


Thorns Wither

by sharnii



Series: Roses Grow series [2]
Category: Adolescence of Utena - Fandom, Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena, Utena manga
Genre: Angst, Belonging, Betrayal, Bisexuality, Cliffhangers, Complicated Relationships, Conflict of Interests, Dark, Deception, Developing Friendships, Dubious Morality, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Roller Coaster, Eventual Happy Ending, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Existential Crisis, F/F, F/M, Fairy Tale Elements, First Time, Fluff, Forbidden Love, Forgiveness, Genderqueer, Humor, Identity Reveal, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intense, Lesbian Sex, Loss of Innocence, Love/Hate, M/M, Magic, Manipulation, Mental Disintegration, Mindfuck, Multi, Mythology References, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Other, Passive-aggression, Post-Canon, Power Dynamics, Princes & Princesses, Psychological Drama, Queer Themes, References to Canon, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Repressed Memories, Role Reversal, Romance, Romantic Soulmates, Sad, Secrets, Self-Acceptance, Sexual Tension, Surreal, Sweet, Tenderness, Transformation, Trauma, True Love, Truth, Unrequited Crush, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-04
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 66,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29752515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharnii/pseuds/sharnii
Summary: This is the sequel to the 'Roses Grow' series, (a 'Revolutionary Girl Utena' fanfiction novel set post-anime from Utena's point-of-view). It takes place directly after 'Roses Grow' leaves off, and is told from Anthy's (er ... unique) point-of-view. Once again the focus is Utena/Anthy, but with plenty of input from Ohtori's other denizens, including some (shadowy) faces from the past ...The genre is the same combo of drama/romance/angst/humour/symbolic-wtf?!/epic-ness. This is another ~65K novel, and comments are most welcome (I really enjoy them, from praise / to constructive criticism / to how it touched you / to what it brought up for you / to how much you adore this fandom / to how much you don't understand this fandom).There are complete Author's Notes at the end, as well as Author's Notes around chapter 11 (when I thought mistakenly I wouldn't finish this. 6 years later, it's mysteriously completed itself, and I'm filled with joyful surprise!).Who can ever tell the outcome of each duel? ;-)There are also Author's AMV Recommendations at the very end, IE a collection of AMVs I've created that emote/explain this series.I hope you enjoy reading this, as much as I've enjoyed creating it!
Relationships: Arisugawa Juri & Himemiya Anthy, Arisugawa Juri & Kaoru Miki, Arisugawa Juri & Saionji Kyouichi, Arisugawa Juri & Tenjou Utena, Arisugawa Juri/Takatsuki Shiori, Arisugawa Juri/Tenjou Utena, Chida Mamiya & Himemiya Anthy, Chida Mamiya & Tenjou Utena, Chida Mamiya/Mikage Souji, Chida Tokiko/Mikage Souji, Chu-Chu & Himemiya Anthy, Chu-Chu & Tenjou Utena, Dios & Himemiya Anthy, Dios & Ohtori Akio, Dios & Tenjou Utena, Himemiya Anthy & Kaoru Miki, Himemiya Anthy & Ohtori Akio & Tenjou Utena, Himemiya Anthy & Saionji Kyouichi, Himemiya Anthy & Tenjou Utena, Himemiya Anthy/Kaoru Kozue, Himemiya Anthy/Kaoru Miki, Himemiya Anthy/Ohtori Akio, Himemiya Anthy/Saionji Kyouichi, Himemiya Anthy/Tenjou Utena, Himemiya Anthy/Victors, Juri & Miki & Utena, Juri & Miki & Utena & Anthy, Kaoru Kozue & Takatsuki Shiori, Kaoru Kozue/Kaoru Miki, Kiryuu Touga/Saionji Kyouichi, Ohtori Akio & Tenjou Utena, Ohtori Akio/Tenjou Utena, Saionji Kyouichi & Tenjou Utena, Tenjou Utena & Mikage Souji
Series: Roses Grow series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186547
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4
Collections: Shoujo Kakumei Utena





	1. Home is a Garden

**Author's Note:**

> Acknowledgements: A big thank you to Anthiena for their wonderful 'Truth (Dub Cover)' - a possible English translation of the song Truth, from the ending credits of 'Revolutionary Girl Utena', which can be found at https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3111662/1/Truth_Dub_Cover  
> Or by doing a search for Anthiena under authors at fanfiction.net.

_There is no such thing as part freedom._

_~Nelson Mandela~  
_

* * *

I remember falling.

Utena asked me about that the other day, if I remember falling. I do. I remember my hand slipping from hers, and desperation fairly screaming from her big blue eyes. I remember falling away from her, and crying out, and losing her in the moment I had found her (and found myself).

Naturally I avoided answering. I don't want to remember, to think of it in waking life when I have to linger upon it in nightmares. I don't want to talk about it and awaken the pain of her own memories, so thinly buried beneath her guileless smile. No, Utena has more than enough pain now, and I am the cause. I won't allow her to shoulder any more.

I remember searching.

I remember five long years that seemed longer than the last five millennia. Five years awake and in possession of my soul, five years awake to the pain of being separated from my meddlesome hero. The only thing that got me through (that stopped my well-beaten path back to him) was her hope. Yes, her hope blazed within me, setting my heart on fire that had never burned before. I knew I would find her.

I had to find her.

I would die before I didn't find her.

When I did find her we would be together. We would have our happy _someday together_. It would happen. It had to happen. It was all that there was for me, all I wanted. All I had ever even known how to want.

I remember the hospital room.

I remember staring like a dead woman resurrected at its achingly familiar occupant. Utena-sama, no…Utena, lying sprawled on the bed. I didn't know how I got to that room, to that bed. Not until much, much later.

Back then (the first time), it simply didn't matter. All that mattered was my lost prince, found. I've always been good at focusing on what counts, or what can't be changed. Leaning over Utena, pressing my hand to her breastbone, I whispered her name. The taste of it on my tongue was sweet after all the waiting.

"Utena-sama? Utena-sama, can you hear me?"

Slowly she opened her eyes, blinking sleepily up at me. I watched her closely, drinking in every expression, every beloved feature. Slowly recognition blossomed in those innocent eyes. My heart blossomed in answer.

"Utena-sama?" I whispered again, leaning closer. "Can you hear me?"

"Himemiya?" she gasped.

My smile filled my face, activating muscles I didn't know I possessed.

"Utena," I murmured and my eyes filled with tears.

The second time I knew how I'd gotten there, but it mattered even less. That time is my favorite because of what happened next. Utena's shaking hand rose to brush at my tears. Her other hand reached to crush me to her and willingly I went.

"A…Anthy," she gasped. "What happened? This already…"

"Shhh," I said, because it didn't matter, all that mattered was the fervor she held me with and the way my heart ignited. I leaned in to press my lips to hers.

It was only what I should have done five years earlier, instead of sending her out with flowers. It was only what I should have done in the planetarium, as we ate so-called poisoned cookies and drank so-called poisoned tea. Or the correct course of action on the windy balcony, as I sobbed in her embrace. Or what I should have done as we rode the elevator to the last duel.

But I'd never done it then (despite wanting to), never believed there was a point. So I did it now.

Because now I believed.

* * *

We were having breakfast with Juri and Miki, a breakfast which had been Utena's idea and at her cheerful invitation. Unfortunately there had been no avoiding it.

"More tea?" I asked Juri, hiding behind a sunny smile.

"Thank you, I will," she said coldly, and I could tell it pained her not to refuse me outright. No doubt she was determined to tolerate me civilly, courtesy of her friendship with Utena. Well, I understood toleration. I'd been tolerating arrogant pre-adults for the better part of my tortured existence.

"This tea is really good," Utena said from where she knelt beside me. She flashed her trademark grin and briefly touched my thigh under the table. My heart thawed and Juri faded from my vision. For all intents and purposes Utena was the only one in the room. I smiled back and sipped my tea. The way that Utena's lips met her teacup's rim was absorbing. Vaguely I heard the conversation still going on around us.

"So what do you think of our idea?" Juri was asking.

"I think it's great," said Utena, digging into her ranmen. I assumed this strange breakfast menu was a nod to another breakfast they'd shared together, else I couldn't imagine why we were eating such a thing.

"What do you think?" Utena asked me, the hand without her chopsticks back on my thigh.

I hesitated. The truth was I wasn't in the least bit interested in seeing Juri on a daily basis, not that I would mind seeing Miki so much. Their plan (if you could call it that) involved setting up an investigative agency that could continue what Miki termed Utena's princely duties. As far as I could tell it meant that Juri and Miki would bring their skills (and more importantly Juri's funding) to the table, and help Utena save poor unfortunates.

It was a charming notion, if a tad naive. Classic prince fare, I suppose. But whatever Utena wanted to do with her time was fine with me, as long as we shared our time together. At the same time I suspected Juri and Miki of suffering a bad case of hero-worship: thus their poorly concealed attempt to live with their idol. It was a regrettable development dating from just before the Duel called Revolution, involving a game of squash.

Sometimes I wished that Utena didn't play squash.

"Whatever you think, Utena," I settled on finally, watching ChuChu deliberate over which bowl of food to steal from first. He was poised in the center of the table, utterly unable to express a preference. Utena glanced at ChuChu, frowned, and turned back to try and catch my eye.

"But what do _you_ think?" she pressed, nibbling at her lower lip. I sighed. I hated to worry her, and I knew she had a phobia of behavior she considered to be rose-bride-like. At the same time I didn't see how to gracefully get out of this agency business, and it was easier to just go along in life. I'd make do, as long as I had Utena. Making do was what I did.

"It sounds fine," I told her, nudging my bowl closer to ChuChu, so that he would come and steal from it first. With a chirrup of relief he did. Utena was still frowning, but an exultant Miki started bombarding her with set-up strategies. Luckily she was easily distracted. Across the table Juri scowled at me. With a small smile I raised my teacup to her. Her scowl deepened. I felt a little like giggling but that would never do. Quashing the desire I shifted closer to Utena, pressing our thighs together. Her eyes were on Miki, but I could see the slightest flush bloom in her cheek.

I smiled again. This was going to be a good day. Any day with Utena was.

* * *

The next week we moved in with Juri and Miki.

Juri had used her negotiating skills to obtain bottom price for a veritable mansion that was supposedly haunted. For my part I was relieved the property came with a wildly overgrown garden, which was largely because Utena had pressed for there to be a garden. I proceeded to show her how grateful I was in what was left of the broken-down gazebo.

"This is spooky," she protested, screwing up her nose as I drew her inside and pressed her down on the wrought iron bench. It already hosted a tangled vine of largish purple flowers.

"It's perfect," I corrected, sitting on her lap and weaving my fingers through her hair. Her eyes unfocused with pleasure and she made a humming sound. Half-amused I leaned down and kissed her. The moan she stifled against my lips satisfied me that I'd lost none of my lauded technique. We exchanged more kisses, soft, then passionate, then gentle again. I drew her head against my neck and enjoyed the brush of her lips against my throat.

"Thank you for my garden," I told her, also enjoying the blush tinting her fair skin as her eyes rose to meet mine.

"Oh well, y'know, it was Juri who bought it," she said all flustered. I giggled, resting my hands on her shoulders.

"Yes, how silly of me. Arisugawa-san is a most considerate host."

Utena winced a little. I smiled down at her. Of course I knew that she'd insisted on the addition for my sake; she still seemed to have an aversion to gardens, and especially to roses. I understood why, while regretting that it was so. Gardens were my freedom before I met Utena, but for her they were a thorny reminder of a schoolgirl treated like a slave.

She had never seen things the way I did. She never would if I had any say in the matter.

"Do you miss our old place?" she asked me worriedly. "I mean, you decorated it so beautifully, and now we just up and leave it…"

"You liked the decorations?" I cut in, pressing a kiss to her nose. She had the decency to blush.

"Well…"

"We can both decorate this place," I teased. "I know you want to put up your tasteless sporting trophies."

Her mouth dropped. I couldn't help myself: I kissed her. It took awhile for her to extricate herself enough to answer.

"They're not as bad as your spooky chessboard. Do you even play chess?"

I traced her cheekbone.

"Who would I play it with?" I gazed at her meaningfully and she shifted beneath me, a motion which I think we both found pleasurable. Her cheeks flamed.

"Uh…I don't know…"

"Let me teach you," I purred, stroking the back of her neck persuasively.

"You haven't answered me," she said, eyes half-closed with pleasure and far more seductive than she knew.

"No," I murmured. "I don't miss it. I lived there far too long without you."

She nodded and bit her lip.

"Home is you," I told her, "wherever you are."

"Yeah," she whispered taking my face in her hands and studying me intently. "I know. But I just wanted to make sure you were okay with this." My hands stilled on her neck and I smiled at her warmly.

"I am."

"Okay. Okay then, that's good." She sounded relieved. My hands slid up to tangle in her hair and we went back to kissing. After a satisfying interlude we caught our breath, my forehead resting against hers.

"I feel bad," she told me out of the blue. I sat back.

"That Arisugawa-san spent money on us," I guessed correctly. Utena nodded, looking faintly surprised.

"Yeah. It's not like we can repay her."

"We can." I shrugged. "If you would like." It didn't matter to me one way or the other.

Utena looked at me for long moments, her hands fiddling where they rested on my hips. Her eyes were so guileless, so easy to read. I could see practically every thought she had telegraphed in them. First she was surprised, then she realized I had money even though she didn't, then she wondered where I'd gotten it from. Next she fretted about what I might have had to do to get it, which tangented into wondering if it was right that she accept money from me as though it was hers (which was silly. Money meant nothing to me. And everything I had was hers). Finally she stopped to realize that I hadn't offered Juri anything so far and was perfectly aware she was buying a house to double as the agency and communal home.

"Do you mind living here, with them?" she asked, choosing not to speak her thoughts. This was something new about Utena, something I still wasn't used to. It seemed to be connected to the Duel called Revolution and changes it had wrought in my prince herself. But I didn't really understand the changes, and I don't believe she did either.

"I…" I had to catch myself before I slipped into an easy lie. Utena also had an aversion to lying, and some lies were too obviously lies.

"We're living upstairs," I stated instead, "just you and I."

"Yeah," she agreed, winding her arms around my waist.

"Then it's fine," I said, knowing that she'd also insisted on this condition. Juri and Miki had separate bedrooms downstairs. It was a testament to how much Juri wanted Utena close that she'd accepted giving up the master bedroom in her own house. That knowledge disturbed me…

Utena hugged me close and I wound my arms around her neck, clinging to her like the vine did to the bench.

"Only pay her if you want to," she said, and I could practically taste her desire to ask me where I had money from, or to insist that I do what she considered to be the fair and right thing. But she didn't say it.

A tendril of _something_ uncoiled in my stomach, grew up and stretched out as though reaching for the sun. It'd been a long time since I felt this, a kind of happiness I almost didn't recognize, a sense of freedom that made me want to run naked through a forest to music only I could hear.

Because I was free. Her claims of wanting it weren't just empty words; the proof was in this innocuous moment in the gazebo, in Utena holding her tongue. She'd meant it.

I was free to be me.

* * *

It was our first night in our new room and I'd made a special blend of tea to celebrate. Naturally Utena made cookies. We sat side by side out on our balcony, legs dangling through the bars and out over the side. Utena was gazing up at the stars whereas I preferred to gaze down at the moonlit garden. For a long while we were quiet, except for the crunch of cookies and sipping of tea. It was peaceful. Utena's hand rested on the small of my back and rubbed lazy circles. Contentedly I leaned my head against the bars.

"What are you thinking?" she finally asked.

"It's a very high balcony," I told her, "higher than I thought."

Her hand stilled.

"What does that mean?" she asked and her voice was suddenly anxious.

I blinked at her.

"Nothing."

For a moment we gazed into each other's eyes as we tried to fathom what the other was thinking. Then I realized what she was getting at.

"Exactly what I said," I told her gently. "Nothing more."

Her hand left my back to trail down my cheek.

"Nothing ever means just nothing with you," she protested. "I've figured out that much."

I stared at her, wondering if she was right. After all I hadn't known myself for a very long time, hadn't cared to know myself. Had been utterly shocked at caring for this particular victor.

"Kiss me," I whispered, wanting to distract her, to distract myself. It worked (as I'd known it would), her eyes immediately heating, her pale skin flushing. Her eyes tracked from mine to my lips, then flickered back. I leaned into her hand. A small sigh gusted past her parted lips. Leaning in I captured those lips, not willing to wait.

It occurred to me as I kissed her that in all our time and with all our opportunities, I had yet to make her my lover. I, Himemiya Anthy, rose bride to whoever won me (with so many lovers against my will) was finally willing and longing to win this victor.

Strange urgency filled me, a trapped bird beating its wings against my ribcage.

"Utena," I whispered against her lips, entwining my hands in her long hair and pressing my mouth more insistently to hers. She gasped and melted against me. Her hands wrapped tightly around my waist as she turned toward me. Our torsos pressed together. I slitted my eyes open and saw that hers were shut, as she kissed me with all her remarkable passion.

It made me so wet.

I kissed her back, hard, moving my hands to encircle her neck. Briefly I saw her in a collar, a golden slave's collar with a rose seal stamped into the metal. I blinked back the image and concentrated on seducing her with hands that knew the exact pressure to run nails down her back. She arched helplessly against me.

"Take me," I asked, no demanded, trailing my nails down the juncture where her back met her buttocks. I relished the way her eyes snapped open, shocked. I ate up the way her scent grew stronger, arousal no doubt staining her thighs, arousal that she tried to hide from me.

"Anthy," she tried to plead with me, "you know I c…can't, you know how I feel about that…"

I was tired of this particular conversation.

"If you don't take me," I said calmly, pressing my nails into the soft flesh I could feel through her pajama pants, "I'll take you."

She simply stared at me, her lips making a small o. But her scent grew thicker.

"Is that what you want?" I purred, moving so I was pressing my breasts to hers, pressing her back against the bars. "What you need?" I nipped playfully at her collarbone. She whimpered, and moved restlessly beneath me. I moved back a little and saw her eyes were closed and she was biting her lip. She looked…impassioned. Confused. Indecisive. As innocent as only she could be and as wanton as I knew she was. I loved her in that moment, loved her even more than I had in the moment before.

Her eyes drifted open and gave me a look that was half begging, and half something else.

"Please Anthy," she whispered, and her voice was slightly strangled. I found that suddenly I wasn't sure anymore, suddenly I couldn't read her. Uncertainly my hands slid up her sides, my touch no longer so knowing. My lips hesitated over her collarbone, hesitated, then moved away.

Utena's eyes were closed again and she was fighting to control her breathing. I sighed, feeling old and tired and very much alone. I pressed a final kiss to her forehead. Then I extracted myself from our tangle of limbs and went inside, leaving her alone so she could regain the control she held so dearly.

I could hear her ragged breathing from all the way where I curled up in our bed, hiding myself under the covers. ChuChu wrapped himself around my neck and under my chin in a vain attempt to comfort. Stroking his fur I tried not to listen as Utena came inside, as she paused in the doorway and stared at me for long aching moments.

It was impossible not to be aware of her.

"Anthy," she said at last, her voice strained with worry. "You're not…mad, are you? With me?"

"No," I told her, honestly surprised, turning to look at her while ChuChu stumbled over groggily to hug her ankle. She picked him up and resettled him on her shoulder. He promptly went to sleep.

Utena sighed with relief, and came over to slide under the covers with me.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I'm just…"

I watched her, my face carefully blank.

"Don't do that," she said suddenly, rolling onto her side and cupping my cheek tenderly.

"Do what?" I asked cautiously.

"That!" She blinked, then chewed her lip in evident frustration. "Shut down on me, close up inside."

I just stared at her, not really knowing what she meant, while she looked as though she might cry.

"I do want you," she insisted, "I don't think you can know how much."

I blinked.

"I do know," I told her. And I did. Utena did everything she did obviously, and her desire for me was no secret to me or anyone else. Except perhaps herself.

"I just…" Her hand stroked my cheek, and she looked like she was wrestling with herself. "Well, I can't just t…take you. You know why."

I did, because she'd told me the last time I'd tried to seduce her. A frown cracked the masklike planes of my face and I saw her eyes soften with relief.

"And I?" I asked, grasping that her fear was over perceived rose-bride-behavior. Honestly I didn't even realize when I was doing it. The habits of lifetimes of hiding myself remained the habits of a lifetime. I turned my head to kiss her palm, happy to see her eyes soften all the more. Keeping my voice soft I finished the question.

"Why can't I take you?"

That thick heady scent filled our bedroom once more; Utena was wet for me. Didn't she know that I knew? Her face was red, her hand was trembling on my cheek. Her breath was hitching again.

"Y…you can," she whispered, "but I'm scared. I've n…never been with a woman, and I'm scared of hurting you, and…" Her face grew redder. "Of hurting me."

"Hurting?" I asked, arching up onto one elbow so I could run my free hand down her trembling side. She was wearing a tight t-shirt and I could see her nipples standing out against the thin material.

"It hurt," she muttered, and she wouldn't meet my eyes. "With him."

I stared at her, my hand stilling. For an instant the world stopped, shifted. My heart broke, what was left of my dead and rusty heart broke for my prince. Innocent and naïve, this prince, too trusting by far. She'd brought it on herself. Or rather we'd brought it on her, Akio and I, with our plots and devil's bargains.

"Did he force you?" I asked, and my voice was calm, calmer than it should be. Utena's eyes flickered to mine immediately, looking alarmed at what she saw.

"No," she said, "He was gentle. And I've heard the first time is supposed to hurt." Her eyes searched my face with apparent trepidation. I didn't know what she wanted to see, so I couldn't show it to her.

"But he took you," I guessed accurately. "Made you his."

Her face flamed and she looked down.

"It's my fault," I said, and my voice was strange to my own ears, jagged like broken glass. I didn't recognize it. Utena's eyes jerked back to mine yet again.

"Don't be silly," she warned, a little too sharply.

"I asked you to deliver the roses."

"You couldn't have known…" she pleaded. Her heart was in her eyes.

I forced myself to meet her gaze dead on. My voice was dead.

"He asked for my help with the roses."

"But…" She blinked furiously, no doubt trying to deny my underlying meaning.

"Utena," I said softly, brokenly. "You were the roses."

I watched the comprehension dawn slowly in her eyes, and make her sick to her stomach. "Oh," she said. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. "Oh…" she whispered, and it was a pitiful sound.

I turned out the bed light, then rolled onto my back too, and stared blindly into darkness. I was uncertain as to why I had told Utena, as to what I'd been thinking. I'd certainly never intended to tell her, although there was every chance she might have figured it out on her own by now. But no, I knew there was little danger of that. Utena believed the best about people, and tried not to think about things she didn't like.

She had to be told the harsh truths of life.

We lay in the dark for a long time, not talking, not touching, certainly not sleeping. Finally Utena's quiet voice broke the tableau.

"Did he force you?"

I froze. Suddenly I was grateful for the darkness, grateful that I had that as an additional layer of armor to hide behind. Perhaps I could pretend to be asleep; Utena was easily fooled (or she had been once). Perhaps I could say nothing, and she would say nothing more. Would not ask again.

"Anthy?" she whispered, rolling toward me and taking my hand. I was still frozen, wanting to pull my hand back but unable. I couldn't believe she was talking to me right now, much less about this.

"Anthy?" Her voice grew anxious. She reached over me, trying to turn on the light. Suddenly my hand found strength and I reached up and caught her wrist.

"Don't," I begged, and my voice was strange to my own ears. A pause, and then she was shifting closer to me, ever so slowly, moving her body until we lay touching all along our sides. I couldn't help my reaction: I turned away from her. Another pause. Then slowly, surely, she pressed her warm body to my shivering back, and wrapped an arm about my waist.

"Tell me," she whispered into my neck. She struggled with the next words, her voice raw with pain. "I've earned the right to know."

I couldn't deny that.

"Yes," I said, my voice quite calm for all that I was shaking uncontrollably. "Yes, he forced me. Many times. Many different ways. But…not every time."

Utena was quiet. Her arms gripped my waist tighter. When she finally spoke again her tone was indecipherable.

"Did he…hurt you?"

Shadows whirled in front of my eyes, shadows made of blood-red mist and an eternity of suffering. There was a shadow-prince in a cage, and a shadow-witch leered down at him, cackling manically. That was how he said it was. But then why hadn't the prince been the one in the cage?

"Anthy?" she prompted again, voice oddly rough.

"Yes," I whispered distantly. "For longer than memory. For longer than pain."

"He was your brother!" Her anger exploded out of the darkness, shining and self-righteous and appalled that anything could be the way I said it had been.

"He was more than that," I murmured, because it was true, the tarnished truth dripping with my tears and blood and shamed arousal.

"No," she groaned, and I felt her head shaking against mine.

"Yes," I said. And I closed my eyes as a single traitorous tear escaped. It had been a long time since I had cried over this. A very long time…

More silence. Utena's tears on my neck, her shuddering breaths warm against my icy skin. Utena's hand holding me tightly around the waist, fist clenching sporadically.

And then a trail of fire as Utena lipped and licked away the tears she'd left, kissing her way along my neck, burying her face in my hair and breathing in deeply. My breath hitched in my throat.

What was she doing?

Deft hands unzipped my nightgown, and then her lips were burning soft patches against my back. Her hand moved from my waist to slip inside my nightgown, to encircle my ribs, to trail up and over my aching breasts.

I gasped, arching up into her fingers. Desire curled in my belly, smoky and demanding.

"What…are…you…doing?" I managed to ask, shivering violently, but no longer with cold.

"Shhh," she whispered. She started to lay kisses down my spine and I bit my lip. Her fingers played insistently with my nipples, causing me to twist and turn.

"Anthy, you never deserved that." Her voice was as determined as I'd ever heard it. Her hands started to help me out of my nightgown, pulling it up and over my head. She cast it away and hugged me close, still pressed to my back as I lay trembling on my side. "You deserve this." Her hand smoothed over my belly, teased at the waistband of my panties. I shifted again, gasping in unison with her. She moved to pull them off, and threw them carelessly aside. Then she was behind me again, stroking the curve of my thighs, before entangling her hand in the wiry hair of my mound. She moaned louder than me.

I couldn't help it. I started to cry. Only one tear had leaked out for a past that was too awful to remember. Yet many tears came for a present that was too wonderful for one such as I.

"You deserve it," she insisted, somehow understanding. Her fingers traced my outer lips, as she bit down lightly on my shoulder. I arched back into her mouth and moved down against her fingers, and was unable to keep from crying out:

"I don't!" I was sobbing as her fingers dipped into my cleft, caressing my inner lips. Cleansing heart-wrenching sobs that came from the same place where desire coiled in my gut.

"You do," she corrected tenderly, and then she moaned against my back, her lust unmistakable. Her fingers slipped inside me tracing and exploring my core, finding the flood that she had created.

I wept and shook and let her take me away from everything I associated with this act, had always associated with it. There was no seduction here on my part, no power game, nothing but Utena unexpectedly exploring me. Nothing but Utena and I, nothing but her fingers inside.

Her fingers.

Her fingers.

Her fingers.

And now her thumb, brushing over my clit, causing me to jerk and cry out.

Her fingers within and her thumb without.

Her lips coasting along my back.

Her breaths hot against my skin.

"Utena!" I cried out, my body bucking violently against her hand for an instant of nothing but joy.

Nothing but her.

Afterwards I curled into myself, my body shaking with the aftershocks of my orgasm, Utena's hand sliding wetly out of place. She trailed it up my belly, then encircled my waist. I felt my own desire dry stickily against my skin.

"What is eternity?" she said dreamily, and I turned over to tuck my head under her chin and clutch at her like a lost child.

"It's you," she whispered a second later, bending to kiss the tears from my closed eyelids. Closed because I couldn't bear to look at her just yet, to look into innocent blue eyes. To see forgiveness, absolute absolution, unswerving belief in things I didn't believe in, for all that I believed in her. To see love.

I had meant to make her my lover. Instead she'd set me free all over again.

TBC in Chapter 2: Cost & Consequence 


	2. Cost & Consequence

_Pain is no evil,_

_Unless it conquer us._

_~Charles Kingsley~_

* * *

The next morning I was retrieving my nightgown from the floor when Utena woke. She sat up and stretched sleepily, glancing around for me. Seeing me crouched and naked she froze. Her sudden blush was fierce and I smiled to see it.

"Good morning," I said innocently, "how did you sleep?"

Her eyes moved from my breasts to the night-colored brush at the juncture of my legs. Her breathing grew strained. I couldn't help it - I giggled. Her eyes snapped to mine then studied the sheets in bemusement.

"Utena," I purred, abandoning the nightgown in favor of crawling across the bed. Her fascinated gaze moved to the sway of my breasts as I stalked her, then to my smiling lips.

"I…er…" She looked down again, fidgeting with the sheets nervously. "That is, not so good. I feel…" She blushed.

I smirked as I reached her, leaning forward to steal a kiss. So easy to read. Far too honest for her own good.

"That's my fault," I husked, enjoying the way she melted when I kissed her, unresisting as I slid her down the piled-up pillows and onto her back. "I should have taken care of you last night." Her startled eyes moved to mine and I found my own moment of uncertainty. My next words were a confession I didn't have to make, but did anyway. I wanted her to know.

"You…undid me."

She smiled shyly up at me and I found myself smiling back. Really, she made it easy to smile. Easy to shine. Amazingly her blush was growing more pronounced.

Expertly I began to undo her pajama top, enjoying the way her wide eyes drank in my naked body straddling hers. For all her earlier prowess she was childlike still. With that thought my fingers paused on her third button.

"Is this…alright?"

She looked up at me with her heart in her eyes.

"Pl..please."

Apparently her earlier reservations had been burned away. I smiled my satisfaction and bent my head to undo her next button with my teeth. Her eyes were very wide as she watched me. Her heart was pounding so loudly that I could hear it without pressing my head to her chest. I nuzzled inside the gap in her shirt and licked the valley between her breasts.

She arched her head back on the pillows. Her hands were sliding along my sides but not in any coherent fashion. Part of me wanted to still those hands, to hold them down above her head.

But I didn't. Not this time. Not after what she'd revealed.

I licked a line down her belly, my hands reaching down to undo the last few buttons. Now her shirt was open, and her naked breasts were topped by hard and rosy nipples, a few shades lighter than her hair. She wore no bra to bed, a habit which I had made my own, although truth be told I enjoyed lingerie now that it was my choice to enjoy it. But I was saving that for a special occasion…

"Anthy," she moaned, no begged, meeting my hungry gaze with a pleading one of her own. Working together we managed to get her shirt completely off. I smiled at her, and she smiled back, anticipation building between us. Willingly I bent my head to her breasts as my hands started to shift her pajama bottoms downwards. My tongue found one nipple that clearly needed attention and I tried swirling my tongue around it. Every atom of my being was conscious of Utena, waiting to learn her reactions to each thing I did, her preferences.

Which was how I noticed her body go taut as a bow strung back.

I sat up, and studied her and so was able to see the change in her (unlike the last time, when I'd been lost in my own passion). Her head had arched back again, but this time the lines of her neck were too tense, and the way she bit her lip looked painful. Her eyes were closed as I crawled up her body to get a better look, and when they snapped open she stared right through me. They were wild, terror-stricken, and filled with falling swords.

I gasped. Then I slapped her, unable to think of anything else to help.

Her head snapped to the side and stayed turned that way, but her body remained rigid. An angry spot of color filled her cheek.

"Utena!" I hissed, taking her chin in both my trembling hands, and turning her back to face me. She still stared sightlessly.

"Utena!" I cried, taking her shoulders and trying to shake her into awareness. It was no good, the only thing she seemed conscious of was the curse she'd taken from me. I stopped shaking her, watching helplessly as she began to twitch under an invisible onslaught, rolling her head from side to side in evident agony. Keening started in the back of her throat and her fists were clenching and unclenching spasmodically, nails biting into her flesh each time.

It was unbearable.

With immense effort I tore my eyes away: I'd never be able to concentrate if I saw her pain. And I had to concentrate.

Pressing my hands to her naked chest and closing my eyes I muttered an incantation for sight, for seeing the unseen. Another second and I opened my eyes again, studying the swords impaling Utena, slithering through her fragile skin, severing tendons and muscles, rasping along bones.

I assessed the situation.

Clearly Utena had lost her focus. That remarkable focus, her willpower combined with the power of Dios, was how she normally held back the million swords of hatred, and held them back more than I'd been able to manage as the rose bride. Although I'd taught a version of it to her on the plummeting rock where I'd found her, I'd never explained it. Only now did I realize that my hands and tongue on the hotel rooftop had heralded the swords falling from the sky. Likewise my attentions to Utena this morning had shifted her focus once more. Shifted it dangerously.

I had to help her regain herself. Closing my eyes I gathered my awareness and took a breath. Then I slipped into that other reality, ever the haven of witches. It was as natural as taking off my clothes, almost my second home. (This was the reality I'd watched behind blankly gazing eyes whenever life was unbearable, which to tell the truth, had been very often.) Immediately ChuChu leapt to my shoulder and closed his eyes too, lending his strength to mine.

In this place the swords could take many forms and did, or had before. Right now I was back in the barn where I'd tended my sick brother, while outraged fathers and farmers pounded down the door. Looking around desperately I couldn't see Utena, although I could hear the shouted accusations from outside.

"You're not a prince!"

"You're a girl!"

"A girl!"

"A naive idiot of a girl!"

"You stole an innocent woman's fiancé. Whore."

"I can't believe someone can be this stupid…"

"She's a girl! Of course she's that stupid!"

"So easily tricked, thinking that the witch loved her."

"Thinking that the prince, the true prince, loved her."

"She'll learn now, now that she's become a witch."

"All girls become witches in the end."

"Rose brides."

"Never princes."

"You're not a prince!"

I hissed through my teeth, guessing Utena's probable location, and pushed open the barn door, stepping out into the angry mob. Their hatred was thick and palpable, like a wave of heat from a bushfire, and I felt terror melt my limbs.

But I stood as steadily as I could, mostly suppressing my shaking, mostly hiding my fear. It was a good thing I was practiced at hiding what I felt, it was coming in handy. I stared at the murderously angry faces of the patriarch's from the beginning of time. Such a dreadfully familiar sight…

Then I looked back, following their ravenous eyes to where Utena was pinioned to the barn-door, which swung a little from my opening of it. A pitchfork impaled her through the stomach (no great surprise in the positioning of that symbol), and although her arms remained free they hung by her sides. She slumped forward, and though her legs remained free they dangled in the air a good four feet from the ground.

I ground my teeth. This. was. unacceptable.

"Utena," I said, loud enough to be heard over the mob, ignoring them in favor of crossing to Utena's side. I stretched out a hand and stroked her calf soothingly, all of her that I could reach.

"Anthy," she said tiredly, the words coming wetly as blood dribbled down her chin. Unlike the real world she could see me here, this place where her attention was temporarily suspended.

"What are you doing here?" she mumbled, before coughing up some blood. It stained her prince's uniform, and I winced at the red-black marring pristine white.

"Finding you," I said calmly, still ignoring the shouts behind us, which if anything had increased in fervor. This was not the time to get emotional, to get distracted. Fortunately I was good at separating my emotions.

"Remember what I told you on the rock?" I said gently. She squinted down at me.

"Um…" She blinked rapidly, obviously struggling to concentrate. Her breaths were horribly ragged and I wanted to do something to hold her up better, to help her breathe. But I didn't have power here, or rather my power was superseded by other ancient power. I was fairly sure that Utena could supersede that in turn as the rose prince, if I could just remind her how to try.

I was almost certain that was the answer. If it wasn't…well, I'd saved the prince from himself before. I could again, and would if it came to that.

"F…focus on you?" Utena finally mumbled, and I could see her trying to do just that. "And r…remember…"

"Yes," I told her, ignoring the trail of blood that had oozed down her leg to cover my hands. "Remember, you're a prince."

"A prince…" she whispered.

"You're not a prince!" shouted the swords.

"You are a prince," I insisted. "The prince."

"I am?" She looked from the swords to me, then back to the swords, not really able to lift her head. I could see confusion in her clear blue eyes, mingling with disbelief and despair. But I couldn't see the swords inside her irises anymore.

That was a good sign.

"My prince," I said firmly, deciding it was time to play dirty. "I need you. I'm in… terrible danger."

Her eyes snapped back to mine.

"You are?"

"Utena-sama," I said beseechingly, putting my heart in my eyes, using the honorific deliberately for its impact and the way she hated it so. "Come back to me. Save me."

She stared at me with something like horror.

"Anthy…" she moaned. And then her hands were lifting, clenching on the pitchfork in her gut, pulling at it, while her head arched back and she screamed. It was actually impossible for her to be pulling it out while suspended on it, or from that angle. But that didn't seem to stop her.

Her screaming filled the air. I bit my lip and bore it. This wasn't about me. This was all on her.

The swords fell silent; I said nothing more, knowing that she was on her way back. The pitchfork was wavering, dissolving, even as Utena scrabbled at it awkwardly, and then she was falling, knocking me to the ground, and we opened our eyes and…

…we were back in our bedroom.

With an inarticulate cry she leapt off the bed and whirled, clearly looking for the danger I'd claimed. I hopped out of bed after her, and retrieved my panties and nightgown for the second time that morning. They were on by the time she turned back to me, questions brimming in her eyes.

I shrugged at her, strangely uncomfortable under her frank assessment.

"I'm sorry," I murmured, forcing myself to meet her gaze. "It was necessary."

She looked at the bed, at our tousled sheets that smelled like us, then at ChuChu snoring exhaustedly on the pillow where he'd conked out as soon as we fell out of the other place. She looked at her belly (unmarred other than the healed scar), then back to me, and absently took the pajama shirt I handed to her. Just as absently she started to button it up.

"Okay," was all she said, and I could see her hands were shaking. Mine were too, but I hid that from her, crossing instead to stand behind her and wrap them tightly around her waist. She leaned back a little, and put her hands over mine, and we waited together as she steadied herself the best she could.

"I stopped paying attention," she mumbled finally.

My hands tightened around her waist.

"I don't want to…" her voice was faint; I had to lean forward to hear. "…Go back there. Again."

"I know," I told her, but there was nothing more that could be said than that.

Because whether she went back was out of my hands.

* * *

Utena was abnormally quiet for the next few days, going for runs that lasted too long, prone to leaning on windowsills and gazing out at nothing. She had never handled weakness well, and this was no exception. I kept an eye on her, and kept her company when she would allow it. I worried and toyed with possible (but not possible) arcane answers, but I didn't try to impose upon her personal struggle.

Juri was a different story.

We were in the greenhouse, Utena doing aimless lunges while I considered my new collection of bonsais. I loved them almost as much as roses, indeed sometimes the birdcage had been one of bonsais. I'd decided that this greenhouse would combine them both, roses and bonsais in a wholly new design.

There was something about the beautifully stunted trees that sang to me, and as for roses, they were a part of me. Utena of course hated the roses but put up with them, and interestingly enough was fascinated by the bonsais. I'd suggested she try the artform but she was reluctant.

She was probably right to be. I didn't really think she'd have the knack.

Juri strode inside, spotted the brooding Utena, visibly sighed, and threw an icy glance in my direction. Then very deliberately she turned her attention back to Utena.

For all appearances I concentrated on the bonsai at hand.

"Want to go for a walk?" Juri asked.

Utena looked up in a daze.

"What? Oh hi, Juri…no thanks, I'm keeping Anthy company."

If she chose to see it that way, it was fine with me. I started to carefully wire one branch of my current project (a Japanese White Pine) to another.

Juri cleared her throat.

"What's wrong, Utena?" she asked directly, turning her back to me. I grimaced. This branch was a sturdy one: it didn't really want to tie itself to the other. I might have to clamp them.

"You've been strange for days now," Juri went on, "Miki-kun and I are worried about you."

"It's nothing," muttered Utena, staring at her feet. "I'm just…I have some things I need to figure out is all. But you shouldn't worry. I'm fine. Anthy's fine."

I couldn't see it but was certain Juri was gritting her teeth. I smiled as the branch was successfully clamped. Now for the cutter.

"I didn't ask about Himemiya-san," Juri said, "I asked about you."

A startled glance from Utena.

"Oh yeah, well, uh…it's pretty much the same thing, right? I mean, if Anthy's upset I am, and if something's bothering me then…"

She looked my way and affection warmed her eyes. Naturally I looked up and smiled at her, enjoying the easy return smile on her lips. If I also enjoyed the foul expression on Juri's face it was only…human.

"How sweet," said Juri in a tone that said she felt like throwing up. "Well then, if I'm not wanted…" She turned on her heel. I mused to myself that for all her ice Juri had rather a temper. She should really do something about it. Of course she probably didn't want emotional tips from the former rose bride.

"Wait!" cried Utena grabbing Juri's arm to stop her. "I'm sorry, Juri, I didn't mean that I don't want your help, uh, in general. We're friends and friends help each other." She smiled appealingly at the older girl. "But I don't need help right now." She nodded to herself and tried to look convincing. "I've got this handled."

Something in the slump of her shoulders told me otherwise, and I could tell Juri knew better too. Still she softened, and unbent enough to put a hand on Utena's shoulder.

"Alright. But remember…if you need help…or to talk…" For a moment they gazed into each other's eyes, Juri all fierce intensity, and Utena with classic confusion and pink tingeing her cheeks.

My cutter sliced.

And then the moment was over, and Juri was leaving and Utena was staring after her while rubbing at the back of her neck. I looked down at my bonsai and stifled a curse word. (Curses definitely weren't ladylike, my brother would have slapped me.)

It was ruined. I'd sliced off the primary branch, instead of pruning its edge as I'd intended. I couldn't believe I'd been so careless.

Utena was at my side, alerted by some sound I'd made, or something in my posture, I don't know which. She peered over my shoulder and frowned.

"Geez, that's too bad. Wow, Anthy, I didn't know things like that happened to you. You're usually such a perfect gardener." Consolingly she rested her chin on my shoulder, arms sliding around my waist.

I allowed this, leaning back into her warmth.

"Yes," I murmured. "Usually." I thought it best to put the cutter down.

* * *

The next day Juri coaxed Utena into jogging with her, and I watched them leave from the sunroom window. Then I turned and surveyed the room, wondering what plants I should fill it with. The furnishings were already complete, courtesy of Juri: white wicker chairs and table, orange wicker folding screens, assorted ivory statutory including the requisite Cupid. I frowned at the chortling angel thinking I'd rather replace him with Pan. But Juri would probably see that in poor taste. I smiled.

I envisioned this particular bonsai there, that bamboo over by the door. Perhaps roses on the table, white and orange? No…orange didn't belong in here. White though, that was acceptable, beautiful. Perhaps some jasmine on the trellis, climbing up the wall-length windows? If I grew the variety that bloomed at night it was said to be an aphrodisiac…

"Anthy-san!" Miki had entered suddenly, his face lighting up to see me. I smiled back automatically, and watched him cross to sit at the white grand piano.

"Play with me?" he asked shyly, his hands already hovering over the keys. I nodded and joined him. Why not? I enjoyed playing. Not as much as he did it was true, but I'd been called on to play many duets throughout the years. They'd been pleasant interludes to my other duties, although each and every one had ended on a tragic note. But the music itself had been the stuff of dreams.

Miki started to play _The Sunlit Garden_. I started, then stopped; he looked at me enquiringly.

"Why not play another song?" I asked, feeling a twinge of sympathy for this innocent boy, another Dios after his fashion. Miki flushed and set his lip stubbornly.

"I like this song."

"Yes," I said, giving in and beginning to play it with him. I waited until the first verse had passed then added softly:

"A little too much."

His hands trembled on the keys and he missed a beat. Then he was back, playing as perfectly as ever. Easily I played the counterpart, flowing around where he directed the music.

"You've changed," he said softly, not looking at me. "Sometimes I forget that you're not the Anthy-san I always knew."

I said nothing. We played on for awhile. It was pleasant, pleasant enough that the slight tension dissipated, easing the air between us.

"Actually," he added, glancing at me from the corner of one big blue eye. "That's not true."

I looked at him calmly, fingers never faltering, flying over the keys.

"I never knew you," he murmured. "I n…never really tried to, did I?"

I smiled at him and added an embellishment to the song, taking it in a slightly different direction. Fascinated his eyes flickered back to the keys and he followed me, his talent such that he found it easy.

"Y…you're changing it," he murmured, and he sounded simultaneously upset and thrilled to the core.

"No," I told him and my voice was gentle but firm. "It can never be changed." Gradually the music petered out as the song came to its conclusion. Miki turned to sit astride the piano bench, and stared at me.

"No?" His voice was pleading.

I turned to study him, to peer into his soul. I saw a sweet young man on the edge of 18. The eyes of a child. The heart of an untried hero. The mind of a genius, and the cruelty of a twin who couldn't let his other half be something he wasn't.

"It can never be changed," I told him, "because it's over." I stared through him then, stared at that faraway time and place, that garden that was always in his mind. My voice grew distant too.

"The garden gate is closed," I whispered, while he leaned forward to catch my every word. "The flowers are withered on the vine, the butterflies are dead and eaten by ants. It's night, and coldest winter, and the piano's keys are cracked."

"No…" he whimpered.

"Yes," I said softly. "And nobody's there. Not anymore. Not even you."

"B…but…" His upper lip trembled.

"She's not there," I told him, turning my inward gaze outward and back on him. "She's not there, Miki-san."

"How can you say that?" He said angrily. "How can you say such things to me?!"

For tense moments we stared at each other, Miki clearly upset and I as calm as ever. Then he took a deep breath and steadied himself.

"Let's play it again."

I simply nodded. Why not? After all I wasn't Utena. I wasn't trying to save anyone, it wasn't my role.

Still. Just for a moment I'd seen something in Kaoru Miki, something that could have been changed for the better. Not like shaping a bonsai. More like unwiring a branch and letting the bonsai reach maturity. Become a real tree.

But I grew bonsais. I didn't unmake them.

We turned back to the piano. The too-familiar notes of _The Sunlit Garden_ trickled through the sunroom and the strain between us calmed.

ChuChu found us and leapt to the piano top, where he lay on his belly and nodded his head in time to the music. His tail swung over the side, ticking from side to side like a metronome. I giggled at him, and Miki smiled at me. His eyes were hazy and I knew he wasn't really seeing me, not as Himemiya Anthy anyway.

I was there in lieu of someone else.

* * *

The first client came a week later. I glided into the foyer to find an older woman meeting with my three housemates, and stopped short. There was something about the stranger's sun-hat…

She turned toward me and I was unable to stop my eyes widening. I knew her. I was the only person present who did, and she wouldn't know me, but the fact remained. I knew her.

Chida Tokiko.

She stared back with an odd look on her face. I noted calmly that she was as beautiful as she'd been in her liaisons with my brother, many of which I'd been forced to watch from the shadows.

I watched her suspicious gaze track from my features (so like Akio's) to my bindi, and shoot startled back to Utena.

"You know each other?" wondered Utena, glancing between us in open curiosity.

"Nooo…" murmured Tokiko, while I contained my response to a tiny headshake. Technically it was true.

"Are you? …that is…" Tokiko coughed uncertainly.

"Is she related to Ohtori-san?" Juri guessed. "Naturally."

"Oh! How interesting." Tokiko's look became speculative, and my distrust heightened.

"Chida Tokiko-san, meet Himemiya Anthy-san," said Miki by way of introduction. "Anthy-san is Ohtori Akio-san's…ah, younger sister." He looked rather nervous, clutching his stopwatch in hand. I was surprised it had survived all these years, or perhaps it was a new one.

Smiling insincerely I offered Tokiko a polite bow, the smallest one possible. She arched an eyebrow, which I contrived not to notice.

"I didn't know he has a sister," she purred.

"Really?" Juri's tone was a tad too bland. "I thought that was common knowledge."

"Well as I was saying before, I didn't attend Ohtori Academy at any time." Tokiko smiled at us all, and if the smile was a trifle condescending, I'm sure she didn't mean us to notice. "I just…knew a Professor who did research there. We had very close ties, in fact you might say we were practically family. And well, we somehow lost touch when he left, and I was wondering if your business might track him down for me."

She glanced innocently all around.

"Being that you're all ex-students yourselves, and that you advertised as a personal detective agency."

"We're not just a detective agency," protested Miki. "We help people and…"

"Yes, yes," interrupted Tokiko, far too smoothly for my liking. "How lovely. And I hope that you shall help me."

"Of course!" Utena smiled at her, leaning forward sincerely. "Anyone who needs our help has it."

I noticed Juri's annoyed and Miki's chagrined looks, and highly approved of them. Anyone with an iota of self-preservation would be suspicious of Tokiko, or at least tread cautiously around someone with unclear connections to Ohtori Academy.

Anyone but Tenjou Utena. She was all about helping other people, and helping them until they left her bleeding in a gutter. I sighed to myself. She had to be protected…

I sat down next to her. A family of mice I'd been feeding picked that moment to scuttle out from under the couch and run past Tokiko's chair. She shrieked and pulled her legs up. The mice kept going, finding a new hole to scoot into by one by one, all sixteen of them.

"Y…you have rodents?!" yelped Tokiko, watching the mice disappear with terrified eyes. When they were gone she took off her hat and started fanning herself with it.

Juri rolled her eyes while Miki stifled chortles as best he could. Utena laughed so hard she was actually slapping her leg. I folded my hands primly in my lap.

"They're Anthy-san's pets," said Miki. "I think it's cute. Really, Chida-san, they're harmless."

"Totally harmless," snorted Utena, who always found the strangest things funny.

Juri frowned discouragingly at them and turned back to Tokiko who was tentatively sliding her legs back down. I noticed maliciously that she had a run in her stockings.

"How did you say you know Akio-san?" Juri prodded.

"Oh I didn't really," lied Tokiko, not quite as polished as before. Her hand had started tapping nervously on her armchair, revealing dark red nails. "I knew of him of course, and I believe I attended a meeting once with the Professor where we had the honor of meeting the assistant chairman."

Juri's eyebrows arched.

"But of course," continued Tokiko, looking away from Juri to study me again, curiosity burning in her eyes, "the family resemblance is so striking."

"Of course," muttered Juri.

"Do you see your brother much?" Tokiko asked me and Miki stifled a gasp. I felt Utena's hand unobtrusively grab mine and squeeze it. It was a horribly inappropriate question to be sure, but a stranger wouldn't know that. Still I stared at Tokiko silently, discarding various answers, not in the least worried about the possibility of making her nervous.

The silence grew awkward. ChuChu plopped himself down on the table in front of Tokiko and stared too. She gave him a perturbed look and Utena scowled and shook her head minutely, trying to tell him to quit it. Of course he ignored her. Miki clicked his stopwatch on and Juri glared at him. I don't think he was really conscious of the habit.

"No," I said finally.

Utena breathed again. Miki clicked his stopwatch off. ChuChu flopped onto his back and kicked his legs up in the air, for no apparent reason. Tokiko nodded at me politely and flashed a small secretive smile. I smiled back insincerely.

I didn't trust her.

The kettle whistled; someone must have already put it on. Taking that as my cue I escaped gratefully into the adjoining kitchenette to start putting together a tea-tray.

"Tell us about this friend you want us to find," suggested Juri, clearly wanting to move the meeting somewhere constructive.

"His name is Professor Nemuro," said Tokiko. In the kitchenette I stiffened, glad I was alone. Although I'd been prepared for her to say it, waiting for her to say it, the name conjured up so many memories.

"Oh!" said Miki in surprise, "that name sounds familiar." He rubbed at his forehead. "But I can't quite remember why."

"I can." Utena's voice was faintly wondering. "It was the name of that hall where the Mikage Seminar was held. Nemuro Memorial Hall."

"The Mikage Seminar?" asked Juri. "What was that?"

I was wheeling the tea-tray in but faltered at Utena's words, faltered and stared at her.

_She remembers that? She shouldn't remember!_

And then…

_Is it because of the power? What else does she remember?!_

My hands shook so hard the china cups rattled on the tray. The others were staring at me but I was having a hard time regaining my vaunted composure. Leaping up, Utena reached me in a few long strides and placed a supportive hand on my shoulder.

"Anthy? What is it?" She kept her voice too low for the others to hear.

I said nothing. I didn't know what to say. After a moment my hands steadied and I wheeled the tray over to the coffee-table. Utena trailed confusedly behind me.

"Tea?" I said, doing my best to avoid Tokiko's knowing gaze.

For the next few moments the only sounds were the polite murmurs of people setting up tea to their liking, and the less polite sound of ChuChu swimming in his teacup. Then:

"You see, I'm worried about him," said Tokiko, looking at me from beneath her lashes although she was talking to Juri. I looked away.

There was more meaningless babble in which Tokiko claimed the Professor had gone missing under mysterious circumstances and the erstwhile duelists agreed that yes, there had been some truly mysterious circumstances at Ohtori.

I wasn't listening anymore, sipping tea which I couldn't taste, and thinking very hard about what I knew of Mikage Souji's fate. My brother had graduated him: Mamiya had watched the debriefing from the shadows of the planetarium.

" _What's wrong?" Akio had asked me afterward, playing at concern. "Are you sympathizing with him? But now…he doesn't exist in this academy."_

_I had stared out at the empty view as Akio placed a possessive hand on my shoulder._

" _No," he purred, "he never has from the beginning." I could almost hear his smile as he delivered his final line. "In the same way you haven't."_

_And knowing it was expected from me, and since it was all I knew to do I dropped the illusion (which would not be needed again) and returned to being Himemiya Anthy. Turning my head I smiled at my brother; the empty smile that he liked best, and hated most, and sometimes after our Saturday evenings get-togethers would berate me for._

_The smile that said I hated him as much as I had ever loved him. Or that I was beyond his reach to touch, now that the swords had carved out my soul._

Utena's hand on my arm awoke me from my stupor. Only then did I realize I was staring into my teacup, that somehow the others had all gone, and that we were alone. When she saw me look at her she smiled in relief and wrapped her arm around my shoulder.

"Anthy," she murmured as she pulled me back against the sofa and her warm body, "tell me what's wrong. Please."

"Nothing," I said automatically, and I heard her sigh into my hair.

"Nothing's ever just nothing with you," she said, her line from the previous night. I started against her then relaxed.

"Sorry," I said, not knowing what else to say, and not particularly wanting to say more. It was habit, survival, the correct way for a perfect Japanese fiancée to be. More than that it was my own taciturn nature.

A pause during which she chewed on her lip. I rested my head on her chest and tried to stop scheming for a minute. There would be time to deal with Tokiko later; right now I needed to reassure Utena. But how my head ached.

"Please?" she tried again, sounding a little lost.

"I know her," I said quietly, deciding the truth was best, even if it was partial by necessity. Utena gasped. I kept my head against her chest, glad she couldn't see my eyes.

"From Ohtori?" she finally asked.

"Yes," I whispered, "she used to visit my brother." I felt Utena's flinch. I stroked soothing fingers down her side, and picked my next words carefully. "She may be connected with him…in some way."

"Like she's trying to trick us?" wondered Utena, "or he is? I don't get it… Why does she want to find this Professor guy then? Or um, why does Akio-san want us to find him? Is it a trap?"

"I don't know." Again the truth. Another pause.

"Did she know you?" asked Utena worriedly. "She looked at you funny…"

So Utena had seen that much. Curse her for being so much more perceptive these days. She'd always had a knack for seeing things the way they really were, or at least in the best possible light. But it was getting to be practically an extra power. A rather perilous power.

"I don't think so," I said slowly.

"I don't like the way she looked at you," said Utena fiercely and her arms tightened around me. I found it comforting.

"Are you going to help her?" I asked and I felt the battle within her in the way she tensed and struggled with her reply.

"I…don't know," she said finally. "I think…I think I'll try. Everyone needs help, Anthy. Everyone. Do you…understand?"

"No," I said.

Her sigh was a gust against my hair.

"I know," she said softly. "I know you don't."

That was the end of our conversation about Tokiko. It was only later that I had the presence of mind to wonder what Utena meant about me.

* * *

Since Utena had decided to help Tokiko find Professor Nemuro, she also made plans for the agency to re-find Kozue and Shiori. In my (unvoiced) opinion we knew where they were already (and good riddance), but Utena insisted they needed a different kind of finding.

Miki thanked her profusely, manfully reigning back tears. Juri said nothing but there was something I hadn't seen in her eyes before where Shiori was concerned. A kind of…unwilling hope. She believed in Utena, I realized with a small pang of I-don't-know-what. They both did. My prince had knights in her court, ready to vow allegiance to her.

I didn't know if I liked it. I certainly hadn't seen the old prince have such. Besides I wanted Utena all to myself.

Then again, maybe help was good. Maybe if Dios had help back then…but no…best not to dwell on the past. It couldn't be changed. These duelists were here to stay, determined to prop Utena up. So be it. And at least Saionji Kyouichi was nowhere to be seen. Thank the gods for small mercies.

I contented myself with staying out of the would-be-detectives' ways, molding the garden to my scope, filling the sunroom, and exploring the property. More importantly whenever I was certain Utena was suitably occupied I did my own form of detecting, carrying out magical researches into the Tokiko problem. Mostly I liked to do these in the Castle of Eternity, ever the haven of my brother and I.

I must admit I sometimes (stupidly, insanely, fearfully) hoped I might see him there. But he never came. When we were younger (much younger), we'd rested in the castle between the games, taken our leisure in the overgrown gardens. When we were older he'd gone there to rant and rave at Dios' mausoleum, for all the world as if Dios had ears to hear him (and considering what happened later, perhaps Dios did). In those latter times he didn't like me to go, except at his bidding. I think he no longer wanted me to get any pleasure out of our childhood home, any possible comfort that could be gleaned from memory.

He needn't have worried.

After spouting at Dios he would tell me his newest darkest plans and issue his commands. I always did what he said: reluctance led to worse tortures than the ones he devised as a matter of course. Although I had grown used to pain I didn't court it, at least not at his hand. The one exception were moments when I forced him to lose control. They were my only pleasure and any pain was worth them.

Now I glided through the library of the castle, aptly named the Library of the Witch. This room had always been mine, always. Even before, when it might have been called something else, and had held only fairytales to delight and amuse a young princess. But I couldn't remember its name from back then. Or mine for that matter.

Somebody saying my name, softly and with real surprise.

I gasped and whirled, my long scarlet rags and longer hair whirling all around me. Utena, standing framed in the giant archway, staring at me, my rags, the golden cuffs at wrist and ankle.

She gawked. I blinked, and then my regular clothes were back, the pair of overalls I'd been wearing in the garden (as unfeminine as I got) and a kerchief binding back my hair.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, moving away from the scrolls I'd been looking at before she could see them.

"Looking for you," she murmured, still staring at me like she'd seen a shadow. In a way I suppose she had. "I was looking in the garden, but I couldn't find you anywhere."

"How did you come here?" I asked, although it struck me (finally) that of course Utena could come to the castle now. It was the seat of the power of Dios.

"I er don't really know," she admitted bashfully. "I just really really wanted to find you. And I was thinking about you, and I guess I was sorta worried. And then…" She gestured around us. "I was here."

"Hmm," I said, thinking to myself that such an ability could prove inconvenient. I clapped my hands and ChuChu rushed out from where he'd been napping under a bookshelf to hop onto my shoulder. I glared at him. He was supposed to be keeping watch…for Akio-san…but still…

"Anthy," she said, stepping toward me to stroke a stray tendril of hair off my cheek. "What are you doing here?" Her eyes were unusually intent, and I suddenly thought it wouldn't be wise to lie to her in this place.

The seat of her power.

"Doing research," I murmured.

"Oh," she whispered, stroking my cheek. And then: "Why do I feel like we're drifting apart?"

I stared at her, honestly surprised.

"Don't you feel it?" she asked me. "I have this awful feeling, eating away inside. Something's gonna happen…something bad…"

"A premonition," I said, and because I never wanted her to feel bad I did the only thing I knew to distract her. I slid my hands up her cheeks and pulled her head down and kissed her.

She came willingly. The kiss calmed my thudding heart, then sent it racing again as her tongue sought mine. We broke apart but only part way, our foreheads leaning together.

"I could help," she told me.

"With research?" That made me giggle. She grinned back.

"Hey c'mon. I'm not that bad at…school-type stuff."

"Of course not," I said primly and kissed her again, not primly at all. More passionate soul-devouring kisses in the dusty looming room. I'd never kissed him here. Thank all the gods that I'd never kissed him here.

Finally we broke again.

"Stay with me," she begged and she meant more than staying in the room. I stared at her, not knowing why she was asking, especially when she had to know I had nothing to live for without her.

"All your days," I vowed, and it was the best I could do, the actual literal truth.

She smiled, but it was sad, and her eyes were so fierce I could swear they were shining with light.

"And all your days too," she said, "just you wait and see."

And if I didn't believe her, I certainly didn't say.

TBC in Chapter 3: Black Rose Blooms


	3. Black Rose Blooms

_It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over._

_~ Edna St. Vincent Millay~_

* * *

"We have a new client," Utena told me excitedly, as I scripted out an ancient poem in painstaking calligraphy. To the uninitiated it looked like a beautiful wall-hanging, done all on papyrus. Ostensibly I was making it as a thank you gift for Juri. This would please Utena and irritate Juri, a win-win in itself. But its true and hidden purpose was as a protection spell for our home.

I didn't want to see the dead walking here.

"That's pretty," Utena said as she hung over my shoulder. "You're so much better at this kinda stuff than anyone I know. What's it say?"

"The language has been lost."

"Whoa," she murmured wonderingly. "But you can read it, right?"

"Yes," I said, and then quickly: "Who's the new client?"

"Another former student!" She forgot her questions and moved to flop into the chair across from me. "His name's Mikage Souji. He seems familiar, but I'm not sure why cos we never had much to do with each other. He's older and…"

She continued happily while I stared down at my calligraphy, doing my best not to lift the quill mid-stroke. This had taken hours and one error would damage its perfection. It must not be damaged. I was sick of damaging things.

Finally with great effort I was able to move my hand again, finish the stroke, and put my quill away safely. My hands were shaking so I folded them tightly in my lap. Utena hadn't noticed; she was too caught up in her vision of saving Ohtori.

I'd never been so grateful for her childish idealism.

She stopped for breath.

"Didn't you do a seminar with him once?" I asked mildly, watching her closely.

Did she remember the black rose duels? I didn't think she would…the duelists themselves hadn't, and Akio had wiped the memories to do with Mikage from the entire school after he had…graduated. Utena hadn't even remembered the name of his Memorial Hall back then.

Come to think of it, neither had Miki, and hadn't he said it sounded familiar just the other day? So I couldn't be too careful.

"A seminar?" Utena blinked. "Me? You mean the Mikage Seminar that he used to run? I dunno. That doesn't sound like something I would do..."

"No it doesn't." I hid my relief. "What does he want?"

"To find another student," she said, "Somebody I never met actually. A boy named Mamiya."

"Ah," I said faintly. "How interesting."

_How horrifying._

If Utena was to find out about Mamiya…about what he had done to so many of the duelists, to vulnerable Wakaba her very best friend… If she was to realize what I really was, what I was capable of…

_She can't find out._

It was amazing she'd forgiven me as much as she had. Inhuman really. I don't know what she was thinking when she did forgive me, it was so clearly the wrong choice, an impossible choice, which was why no victor had ever opened my coffin. Not in ten thousand victors, and a hundred thousand duels.

But she'd opened it.

Yet…everything she'd consciously forgiven me for…it all had extenuating circumstances. Or at least it did when you looked at it from her strange logic. This didn't. There was no forgiveness for one such as Mamiya (one such as I). Not even Utena's brand of forgiveness could bury what I'd done in his guise, and other guises like his.

So I couldn't be him, not to Utena's knowledge. It was as simple as that. I'd never thought it all the way through before, but it was obvious now that necessity forced me to. As obvious as the ink from the spell staining my hands.

Juri and Miki had come in.

"What do you think?" Juri asked Utena, ignoring me as per usual. "Are we going to take this Mikage on as a client? He should be back soon to hear our answer."

"Hi Anthy-san," said Miki, blushing a little as he caught sight of me. "Oh wow, your calligraphy is so pretty."

"Thank you," I told him, but my attention was focused on getting out of there as quickly as possible. I rose and attempted a smile. "Excuse me," I said politely, "there's something I just remembered I have to do."

Utena looked like she might call after me, but Juri was asking her another question.

I left without further ado.

* * *

I stood in the greenhouse, the place where I thought best.

I stood there staring at the black roses.

Unnatural colors wouldn't grow in this world, thus I'd never been able to grow a black rose. They were technically impossible: the ones marketed as black were actually a very dark violet.

Yet here they were. Blooming as though they had always been here (when they never had before), as though I had planted them (I hadn't), sending me their message.

A dire warning.

"Hello." The voice was smooth and light, a male tenor. It was almost as familiar to me as Utena's, and almost as unwelcome as my brother's. I turned stiffly, knowing already who I would see. I shouldn't have left the others. That had been my first mistake.

Mikage Souji stood in the doorway, or more accurately, Professor Nemuro did. His hair was the same pale pink, perhaps a little messier, his eyes as probing as ever, even through his glasses. He was a scientist to the core and it was the scientist who looked at me now, aloofly assessing.

We stared at each other.

Suddenly I realized that he didn't know who I was, of course he didn't know (how could he?), and I didn't have to deal with Souji after all. I was being irrational, thinking this was a shadow from the past. But it was just a lonely and coldly logical man.

I sighed with relief.

His eyebrows went up and I realized I had better hide my reactions better.

"Hello," I murmured back. "Are you lost?"

"Yes and no." His gaze remained sharp. "I've found what I'm looking for."

My heart stood still.

"Arisugawa-san mentioned that Akio-san's sister lived here." He looked at me over his glasses and slipped one hand into the pocket of his well-cut suit trousers.

"I see that it is so."

I felt like sighing again but kept my face blank instead. Saying nothing I watched him narrowly, wondering what he wanted with me. He'd never met Himemiya Anthy, although he'd certainly been aware she existed as the rightful rose bride. He'd wanted to kill her after all…at Mamiya's urging…

He watched me right back.

"So," he said finally, taking a step inside the birdcage (no the greenhouse, why was I suddenly thinking of it as the birdcage?). "What are you doing so far from Ohtori Academy?"

I stared at him over the black rosebush and considered how best to answer.

"I'm with Tenjou Utena," I said quietly, settling on the answer most likely to hold him at bay. To show him that the thing he was depending on (Utena's goodwill) was under my influence. My words were like moving a knight (the knight) out onto the board as the opening move in chess, and I could see from the appreciative flicker of his eyes he understood that.

Understood my faintest of warnings. Well of course he did, Professor Nemuro was an intelligent man. A genius. That was why we'd selected him.

"How interesting," was his mild reply. "You were with her back then too."

I didn't have to ask to when he was referring.

"You were the rose bride," he continued, looking me up and down, "and she was your victor, correct?" Another pace forward.

I stared at him. Clearly he remembered a lot, perhaps even everything. That made sense, given that Akio would have thought it funny to make this man suffer on with his beautiful memories. Just as amusing to strip them from everyone else, so that neither Professor nor upperclassman had ever existed.

"Yes," I said. "She was the duelist with the right qualifications."

He paused mid-step. I could see my words had cut him, exactly as I intended them to. For a moment he glared at me, then his face smoothed and calmed.

"I see," he said. "And what did you know of the dueling games?" His eyes flickered to the black roses and softened for a moment, then inexplicably hardened again.

"What I was told," I said, which was technically true. Except that I'd been told everything.

"And what…did Akio-san…" Mikage paced forward again. "Tell you exactly, about me?"

I couldn't help it. I took a step back, keeping the rose bush between us. There was something faintly menacing about Mikage, there always had been. It was what had made him so perfect in his role.

"Nothing," I lied backing away further, backing into the glass wall. There was nowhere else to go if he passed the rosebush. When he passed the rosebush.

"Oh, I doubt that," he said drily, stepping around it. "As the rose bride, the prize if you will, of the game, you must have played a key role. It's only…" he paused and smiled down at me, tight-lipped. "Logical."

I stared up at him, longing suddenly for the protective barrier of my old glasses, my hair up in pins, the rose bride's role. At least then I'd know exactly what to do. Twisting my hands in front of me I wished I was somewhere else, anywhere else. But as I knew all too well, wishing did nothing. Wishes were for fools.

Mikage's pale eyes took everything in: my skittishness, the way I was backed into a corner, my long unbound hair and clearly civilian sundress.

"We're alone here," he told me and I recognized a threat in his phrasing. "No more games, Rose Bride. I know you have valuable information that I must have. I know you will give it to me…eventually." He put his hands on my shoulders and gripped them hard. "It is only a matter of time."

I tried not to cringe away.

"What do you want to know?" My voice stayed quiet.

Something in me cried out that I was being ridiculous, that this was my home, that Utena had shown me how to be strong and free. But my reality was Mikage, much stronger than me, a ghost from the past demanding answers and demanding them now. No Utena in sight. No prince coming to the rescue.

Just like it used to be, had always been. Really was.

Mikage's hands were tightening even more as he took a deep breath, struggling with the question he wanted to ask. When he finally did his voice came out raw, bursting with powerful emotion. It was so unlike his slightly monotone manner of before that I gaped at him.

"Where's. Mamiya."

My jaw dropped.

"Where's Mamiya?!" He shook me then, hard. "Damn you, woman, tell me what that bastard did to him!"

"M…Mamiya?" I managed to get out, around the shaking. My imitation ignorance only enraged him.

"Don't pretend you don't know!" He was shouting, and shaking me so hard that my teeth rattled in my head. "Tell me! Tell me where he is!"

I said nothing, there was nothing I could say. Besides he would believe me more if he had to force the next lie out of me. Pain was part of this game. Pain was usually my winning move.

"TELL ME!" He screamed and distantly I wondered if he would hit me. He never had before…never hit Mamiya that is… He wasn't really the kind of man who dealt in physical force.

His burning eyes glared into mine, like the funeral pyres of a hundred dead duelists. I remembered this: his passion, so alien in a computer-like man as he'd once termed himself. His passion had stirred to life when he met Tokiko, but roared into an inferno when he met Mamiya.

So familiar to me, he was so very familiar.

I blinked up at him and suddenly he looked confused. He stopped shaking me and peered deeply into my eyes instead. I closed them. Now he was shoving me away back against the wall, and stumbling back himself into the rosebush. I opened my eyes and watched as he pricked himself on their thorns and cried out sharply.

One finger was shoved into his mouth and he sucked at the hurt. He whirled back to me and gazed wildly for a moment. I said nothing, did nothing. Merely watched and waited. If there was an axe it would fall. If there was smoke there would be fire. It was useless acting, better to wait and see.

Mikage calmed himself, sticking his bloodied finger into his pocket, attempting composure.

"Forgive me," he said finally, stiltedly. "I don't know what came over me." He laughed shortly. "Coming here like this…the things I said to you. I can't imagine how I could be so uncouth."

I nodded silently but stayed where I was. This was his move and I was trying to discern it.

"I can only plead in my defense," he said, "that I…felt strongly for the boy. More strongly than I've felt for anything or anyone in my unnaturally long life." He studied me intently. "Surely you can understand that."

"Can I?" I said, trying hard not to eye the door and my way back to Utena. I didn't want to be here. I did not want to be having this conversation.

"You know…" he said suddenly, turning to pluck a black rose and hold it aloft. "…Mamiya-kun is dead."

"Is he?" I said faintly.

"Yes," he said sadly. "He died many years ago. And yet…" He put the rose in his top pocket. "…He didn't."

"Oh," I said.

"There were two Mamiyas," he revealed while a shiver slid down my spine. "I didn't think about that at the time of course, I was far too distraught. Your brother told me he'd exploited an illusion I cherished in my memory, and that was true…after a fashion."

"Really," I said, beginning to edge along the wall. "How interesting."

"Yes," he said, "it is. The real Mamiya died decades ago." He looked at his feet. "I spent the last few years grieving for him: a special boy, a unique and priceless boy. My one last link to his loving sister, the lovely Tokiko."

"My condolences," I said, not meaning it in the least. The door was closer.

"But not the boy I knew for even longer than I knew him," said Mikage. I looked up and he nodded his head to himself, as though I'd confirmed something he suspected. "The young man I fell in love with." He stepped back between me and the door.

"No," he continued, voice and eyes intent, trapping me in place. "That Mamiya is very much alive. He was far too real to be just an illusion. Akio-san may be powerful but I realize now that he couldn't be _that_ powerful. Not if he was still trying to harness the energy of eternity."

I hid my shock behind a mask of bland civility.

"You're very sure of your…theory," I said, folding my hands behind my back and steeling myself to fight fire with fire. A defensive game would not win for me now.

Mikage shrugged.

"I've had plenty of time to refine it and…"

"Excuse me," I interrupted. "Why are you telling me all this?"

His eyes narrowed.

"My apologies for boring you, Himemiya-san. After all, this is nothing you don't already know."

I fought to keep my expression blank and succeeded, but only just. _He knows my name…_ But that meant nothing in and of itself. Anyone might know my name, and he had known of me. Of course he knew my name. It meant nothing. Nothing at all.

"I came here to find this second Mamiya," Mikage continued when I said nothing for long tense moments. "You see, he is real to me and beloved besides, even more real than the first and therefore technically real Mamiya."

He straightened his glasses, peering ever closer at me.

"After all, what is reality but a construct we build for ourselves, made of cherished illusions that shape the way we see everything? Everyone."

"Utena will be looking for me," I said, no longer caring for politeness.

"Others are looking for you," he said. "You know…Himemiya-san, I knew this was the place to come to find the truth. I remembered Tenjou Utena, I remembered that she was the only one strong enough to defeat me. That means she can see through illusions you know, that she saw what mattered and used it to win."

"I have to go," I said, moving forcefully toward the door.

His unexpectedly strong hands caught me, held me in place. He gripped me by my wrists and held me and I froze, not quite daring to struggle. Yet.

"I knew Tenjou-san could help me and I knew the knowledge of the rose bride would be an asset."

His eyes burned as they stared down into mine, how they burned.

"I knew all this," he whispered, "but I didn't know that I would find you here."

I tried to pull away then, using all my scant strength to make a break for it. Of course it did nothing against him: if I'd been thinking straight I never would of made the attempt. Mikage pulled me roughly against his chest, wrapping his arms around my waist to pin me to him, still holding my wrists in an iron grip.

"When I looked into your eyes," he whispered, "I knew you. Through the illusion, I saw you. Oh Mamiya-kun. Did you think you could fool me?"

I froze against his chest, absolutely flabbergasted.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Utena's voice was outraged, and blessedly close to us. Over Mikage's shoulder I saw her framed in the doorway, looking like she was about to punch someone.

I felt faint with relief.

Mikage whirled, letting go of me in the same second. He raised his hands placatingly as I stumbled away from him and over to Utena. Her hands were on me in an instant, checking me anxiously for injuries. She growled when she saw the bruises on my wrists.

"Forgive me," said Mikage from where he watched us by the black rosebush, a considering expression on his handsome face. "I didn't realize I was being so…strong in my affections."

"Y…you're affections?!" Utena could barely spit the words out she was so mad.

Mikage glanced at me meaningfully and in one horrific instant I understood that this was checkmate, and I'd lost the match. I hadn't even seen it coming… He really was a genius.

"Yes," I said weakly, grabbing Utena's arm before she could fly over and hit him, beating my black secret out of him. "We actually know each other." My voice trembled on the lie. "We're friends. Good friends."

"What?!" she cried, clearly disbelieving. She pushed me behind her back and made an abortive move toward Mikage, abortive because I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her back.

"Anthy!" she cried, trying to tug free without hurting me. "Let me deal with this…"

"Stop it!" I yelled, and she stiffened, shocked to hear me raise my voice. "Listen to me," I pleaded. "Mikage-san really is my friend." In my desperation I thought of a better lie, one that might actually stay her hand. "He helped me once," I temporized, searching for the right words and just the right tone. Across the greenhouse Mikage watched us carefully. He was enjoying this I was sure.

"When Akio-san h…hurt me once," I murmured, "Mikage-san…helped me."

"He…helped you," repeated Utena, and I couldn't tell if she believed me or not. Once again I was grateful she couldn't see my face.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Oh," she muttered, and her shoulders slumped, and I realized with shocking relief that she had taken the bait, believed the lie.

"I'm er…" She rubbed the back of her neck and glanced over at Mikage in embarrassment. "…Sorry about that, Mikage-san. I guess I er, jumped to conclusions. I'm kinda hot-headed like that."

"Understandable," he said smoothly, "I can't imagine what Anthy-kun and I looked like, especially from where you were standing."

"Yeah," Utena muttered, looking at the ground. "Sorry." She glanced at me and I could see she was surprised at his familiar form of address. I could also tell she didn't suspect me of lying, not in the slightest.

_Oh Utena…when will you learn…_

I took her arm and huddled close to her, smiling falsely at my supposed friend. He smiled back triumphantly and I knew he had plans of his own. My heart sank. This was even more of a problem than Tokiko. Wait…Tokiko. Mikage. What if…they were to meet each other? After all Tokiko was looking for Professor Nemuro.

I brightened at the idea. Then my problems might be taken care of…

It took me a moment to realize Mikage was gone and Utena was holding me close.

"Are you alright?" she asked me. "From where I was standing it sure looked like he was hurting you. I know he's your friend but…" She grunted softly. "Damn guys, don't always know their own strength."

"He was a bit rough," I agreed cautiously, after all, she'd already seen the bruises. "He was excited."

"You didn't recognize him?" she asked. "From my description?"

"No," I murmured, "I'd forgotten his name. There's been so many names."

That seemed to satisfy her, she pressed a kiss to my head and stroked my back. Normally it would make me feel better but right now it was almost as much a trap as Mikage Souji back from the dead. I needed to be alone, to take the time to think.

But I didn't need Utena to know that. So I accepted her consolation and consoled myself that there would be an opportunity soon.

* * *

I chose to hang my finished calligraphy directly across from the front door, thinking it best served its purpose there. I was straightening it when a cawing sound got my attention. I turned around and looked down. There. On the doorstep. A massive raven, its glittering black eyes fixed directly on me.

I was glad the scroll was already in place.

The raven cawed, then dropped something from one talon, a tiny roll of paper onto the welcome mat. Then it flapped away, not waiting to see what I would do. I looked at the mat. I looked around - nobody in sight. I picked up the note and unrolled it.

A phone number.

I went to our bedroom to make this call; I already knew who it would be. I even remembered the raven, albeit vaguely. Was its name Hugin? Or Munin? Oh well, they both looked the same. I had an affinity for animals but those two had never really been on my side. They were better off avoided.

Picking up the cordless phone I went out onto the balcony. It seemed an appropriate place to call from. Twilight was gathering, the violet sky was filled with wispy scarlet streamers backlit by the setting sun. The air was peaceful, the garden sweet-smelling, and nobody was in sight.

I dialed the number.

"Hello Anthy," he said on the other end, his voice warm and rich with welcome. "I knew you'd call."

"You gave me your number," I pointed out reasonably, as he'd surely known I would.

"Yes," he laughed and the sound caught at my heart it was so much like the boyish laugh of Dios.

A silence in which we both listened hungrily to the other's breathing.

"Do you miss me?" he asked plaintively. "I miss you."

I paused, trying to find my depth. He sounded so much like Dios now. Still Akio to be sure, but his voice was that of the beloved big brother of memory, the tall white prince whose shins I'd clutched with baby arms.

The small crying boy, lying tired unto death in the barn.

"Yes," I said finally, wishing I wasn't admitting to it. But it was the truth.

"Good," he said, and he sounded so relieved. "That's good, Anthy. I knew you did. I knew, but I was scared…"

"It's alright," I said gently. "It will be alright."

"Will it?" His voice was tearful now, and I could imagine how he would look, all brave and defiant, and knuckling back the tears with one white gloved fist. Determined to spring back onto his charger even though I was pleading with him to rest more, to not save this one (only one. Was it so wrong to let one go?), save the next one instead.

But of course he wouldn't look like that anymore. He looked like Akio now. He…was Akio. If only Utena hadn't done this, performed a veritable miracle and given Dios back to Akio. And yet…what else could she have done? And still be Utena? I put my head in my hand, supported by my elbow on the balcony rail. It was just too hard to understand. To know how to feel.

I was so used to feeling nothing.

"Are you happy?" he asked me suddenly, and his voice was more like Akio's now, thick with filthy insinuations. I stiffened.

"Yes," I said.

"Of course you are," he purred. "You have _her_ after all."

I said nothing. There was nothing to be said.

"You were never happy when you were with me," he said bitterly, and I found it in myself to be surprised all over again. I stared out over the horizon watching the very last of the sun sink into its grave. Just like I had. That's how it had felt when we started our game, how I had felt, back when I still felt something about any of it. No, not our game, his game. The dueling game, according to the rules of the rose seal.

_Although back then it hadn't been with swords, but the jawbones of animals._

_And it hadn't been roses, it had been some other plant, something exotic long since extinct. Something blood-red and wiry, scratching at the skin._

" _Roses are acceptable," Akio said when he first switched to a rose crest. "I like their thorns." I had nodded meekly at his side._

" _What do you think of them?" he asked me, as we stared out at another sun, over another desert, from the vista of a cave filled with the bones of the latest round of duelists._

" _They're fine," I said, and my tone said I didn't care one way or the other. He smiled at me, well pleased, and subtly offended all at once._

" _Rose Bride," he said. "That's what we'll call you now."_

" _Yes," I said, looking at my feet. "Onii-sama."_

_But we hadn't used those terms exactly, and we didn't speak in Japanese. The equivalents meant slightly different roles and relationships, none of which I bothered to remember years later when the language no longer existed._

_The Rose Bride (or whatever she was then) was a slave wearing the mask of a princess. Dirt under the powder on her cheeks. Blood under the conservative dress, always high society (when there finally was society). And Akio was my master wearing the mask of my kin. God of his glittering domain, breaking his devotees like toys he was tired of. Breaking me just because he could._

"What are you thinking?" Akio/Dios husked into the phone. The sun had disappeared and it was night. I heard stirring in the house below and knew the others were back from wherever they had been.

"About us," I said softly.

"Oh yes," he said, and I wondered if he was looking at the stars wherever he was. It seemed like something he would do. They were just coming out now, winking into existence.

"I think of us too," he added slowly. He sighed. "About when we were the world."

"You were the world," I whispered. "I was just…"

"What?" he wanted to know. "What were you?"

I stared into the darkness between the stars, wondering that myself. What had I been? What was I now?

There was a sound in the hall.

"I need to go," I said, clutching the phone a little too tightly.

"Will you call again?" he wanted to know, and I caught a tinge of desperation in his otherwise smooth voice.

I didn't answer; I wasn't sure.

"Little sister," he pleaded. "Call me soon."

I stared into the night. I felt like I was falling, like I would fall if I agreed to this one soft demand.

"Anthy!" called Utena, bursting into our bedroom. "Hey, are you in here, oh, there you are." She joined me on the balcony.

I hung up.

Utena gathered me into her arms, hugging me exuberantly. I went willingly, wanting to be distracted, wanting to lose the past in the present. Long moments were spent pressed together, as I breathed in her scent (something floral spiced with sweat) and enjoyed the lithe planes of her body, all within my grasp.

Finally she released me and favored me with a smile, leaning easily against the rail at my side.

"I've had such a good day," she said, "We played tennis doubles, Kyouichi and Miki-kun against Juri and I." She grinned again. "My God, Saionji Kyouichi's a monster on the court. He almost brained Juri."

"How did you play?" I asked, resting my free hand on her back. Then I moved it to her backside. Her grin gained heat and turned on me.

"Great," she purred. "Miki-kun was scared of me."

"Probably with good reason," I told her, stroking lightly while she watched me with eyes that burned.

"You like my butt," she said, then blushed. "I mean…"

"It's your own fault," I said, "for wearing those tight little red shorts."

She giggled. "You liked those things? When I look back I reckon I looked weird."

"Your legs were…" I sighed at the memory, and stood on tiptoes to gently bite her neck.

"What?" she asked me, as red as her shorts had been.

"A sight to be seen," I husked, laying the phone on the rail so I could use my other hand to tease at her tennis skirt's waistband. She rested her hands lightly on my shoulders and smiled at me, all open happiness, her desire obvious and as untainted as a pure white rose.

I'd never known anyone quite like her.

"Did you have a good day?" she asked me, gently tilting my chin up so our eyes met. I didn't realize I'd lowered my head…

"Yes," I said automatically and her eyes darkened a little. Dismay filled me, dismay I fought to hide. Damn damn damn. She was getting far too good at reading me, reading between the lines. And I was getting far too lax around her, unable to playact like I used to.

She watched me now, alerted by something in my tone, or in my eyes, or something missing from them, I don't know what. I don't know how she read me, and I didn't like that she could. She glanced at the phone and her brow furrowed. I moved my hands from her body and twisted them behind my back.

"Someone called?" she asked, her voice a little too steady.

"Yes," I said because that much was obvious. Utena waited. Tension filled the air, tension that I hated and didn't want between us. Why could nothing ever be easy? Why was life one pain after another, even in the midst of happiness? Why did roses have thorns?

"I need a shower," she said after an uncomfortable pause in which I couldn't decide what to say. "Come join me."

I looked at her again (I'd been avoiding her eyes) and stared as she winked. She smiled at me, tenderly, although I saw worry buried just beneath. I smiled back sadly. She took my hand and we walked back inside.

TBC in Chapter 4: Her Brother's Keeper


	4. Her Brother's Keeper

_He who believes in freedom of the will has never loved and never hated._

_~Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach~_

* * *

Once inside I left Utena's side to return the phone to its cradle, while she sat on the bed watching me. Then she went to pull her tennis singlet over her head.

"Stop," I said, crossing to her. "Let me."

She stopped. Her eyes met mine, heavy-lidded with lust. Slowly I pulled the singlet up and over her head, enjoying the way it caught against her breasts on the way. Her breathing became heavier. Next I slid her sports bra off by the same route. Her breasts were heaving with her breaths, the down between them slick with sweat. I smiled, and bent my head to lick that sweat away. She gasped reflexively. Her hands fiddled meaningfully with my silk blouse but I batted them to the side. She'd just have to wait.

I knelt on the floor, and spread her knees open with insistent hands. Her panties were red and I smirked up at her, only surprised they weren't her superman ones. She had such strange tastes sometimes… She grinned back.

"Hey," she protested softly, no doubt knowing the direction of my thoughts. "Just take them off, will ya?"

"I will," I said, and reached under her skirt to tug them down. My fingers may have tangled briefly in the pink hair covering her mound, an agreeable 'accident'. Her head was arched back now, her breathing a tad more strained. I gazed up at her and ached inside with something that felt very much like the swords of old.

Why couldn't I take her?

It wasn't fair!

I'd waited all my life, my lives, to have something like this, someone like this – I hadn't even known I'd been waiting. And now I had it, had _her_ , and I couldn't touch her like I wanted to. I couldn't push her past the point of reason, show her all the reasons that people fought and died for love. That she herself had fought, and worse-than-died for.

If I did the swords would come.

The irony of our predicament did not escape me. The cruelty stung like thorns and it came to me that this was exactly what Utena was to me, whether she knew it or not. A rose, the most beautiful rose, forever protected by the thorns that were the million swords of hatred. Protected from love, my tainted love. Protected from me.

I wanted her anyway.

"Utena," I whispered, sensing she was on the edge, one I daren't help her past. "Utena, take your skirt off." Her eyes snapped open and she sat up straight, staring at me in lust-fogged confusion.

"Why?" she asked, then came back to herself enough to realize. "Oh yeah. Yeah. G…good idea." Slowly her legs slid closed, hiding my goal from my hungry gaze. I rocked back on my heels giving her space. Slowly she pulled the skirt off and sat there naked, still a little out of it. I waited while she fought to calm herself.

Finally she rose and came to me, pulling me to my feet.

"You realize," she murmured, "there's absolutely no reason I can't undress you." That surprised a smirk out of me.

"Yes Utena-sama," I intoned dutifully.

She grinned and arched an eyebrow.

"Such sauce! Just for that I order you to take your blouse off."

I eyed her, intrigued by this new game, one we hadn't played before. It was a dangerous game considering my past and her orientation about it. But she had initiated it…and I was a game-player…

"Yes Utena-sama," I whispered, and took a step back from her. Slowly, seductively, I stripped the blouse from my body, button by pearl-seed button. I made sure she saw the deftness in my fingers, the way I stroked each button just a little too long. Her eyes half-closed and I knew I had her again.

I let it slide to the floor.

"Beautiful," she whispered, her eyes on the lace of my bra and the hint of dark purple aureole showing where one cup had pushed partway down.

"Would you…" she cleared her throat and started again with some difficulty. "Would you mind taking that off please?"

"You mean?" I teased reaching behind myself. She nodded, eyes wide. Slowly I unclasped the bra. My breasts bounced softly free. Utena made a soft noise in the back of her throat. Just as slowly I peeled the bra completely off.

She reached forward, stroking at a red mark where the wire had dug into my skin. I shuddered, twice as stirred by the soft sensation of her fingers against my gently throbbing skin.

Her hands slid leisurely down my torso, almost worshipfully. Her eyes were filled with wonder as she studied my night-dark skin, then suddenly dark with pain as they caught on the paler patches of my many and various scars.

I stilled and watched her looking. And looking. She swallowed, hard. The lamps in this room were a little too bright. I should have dimmed them, or better yet, turned them off. She'd never noticed the marks before; each time we'd been naked she was way too distracted.

I'd forgotten them myself. Why was it I always remembered what I'd forgotten through Utena's too-seeing eyes?

"Anthy…" she whispered, and I realized there were too many marks, more than she could possibly understand or cope with. I didn't even know why they were showing: I usually hid them beneath the mask called perfection.

"Wait," I said. Closing my eyes I concentrated, shifted just so. I opened them again and my skin was like polished ebony, not a mark to be seen. Utena stared at me, eyes very wide. When she spoke again her voice was ragged.

"No."

And she closed her own eyes, and I felt it in the air between us, Utena concentrating, using her formidable will mixed with power to… do something… shift something. My jaw dropped.

Utena's eyes opened, fiercely finding mine.

"This," she said, holding my eyes with hers, "is real." Gently she reached forward and stroked at the deep burn beneath my left breast, then further down along the knotted and raised scar twisting between my ribs. I stared at her silently. I was so surprised I think I forgot to breathe.

"These are really here," she whispered, "even if you magic them away. I'd rather see them." She lifted her eyes to mine, took my cold cheeks in her warm hands. "I'd rather see you."

"Oh," I said faintly, still too surprised to think.

She bent her head and kissed me, so softly I barely felt her lips caressing mine. I just stood there, feeling like I was in a dream, one that was much too marvelous to understand. I didn't understand. I was used to understanding.

She drew back and stroked my cheek again, then moved her hands to my turgid nipples.

"Anthy," she murmured, "say something. Are you…alright with this?" She paused uncertainly. "I mean…would you rather hide them? You can if you want. I didn't mean to say that…" She stopped, fumbled for words and started again. "I mean, I want you to do what you want. What you feel comfortable with."

"I know," I said, much too overwhelmed to say more. I didn't change my skin back though, and Utena bent forward to lightly kiss my neck. Then she wrapped her arms around me, burying her face in my hair. I let her. Slowly my own arms came up to entangle round her waist. I felt her sigh with relief.

We stood there together, she fully naked and I only half, yet feeling more naked than I ever had in my life. More naked than the night she saw me rising from the wide white couch I shared with my brother. More naked than the day she opened the coffin and I finally opened my eyes.

I didn't know how to feel about it. I didn't know how to feel so much. Emotion was an alien thing, a threatening thing, something I was beginning to grapple with in ways I didn't understand.

Once I'd thought I understood it all. Had sneered at Utena, at people like Utena.

How wrong I had been.

"Shall we go shower," she whispered, "do you still want to?"

"Yes," I said, because I didn't want to be without her. I didn't want to be outside of her arms.

She stepped back and together we removed my skirt, stockings, and underwear. Then she took my hand (or I took hers) and we went to the bathroom. Under the spray I started to relax, comforted by its warmth, by Utena's equally warm presence. So this was what it felt like…

…family…

…to be loved…

…to be clean.

"I'll do your back first," she said, "if you do mine second."

I smiled at the tiles.

"I want to do more than that."

"Okay," she said a little too eagerly. "Whatever you want. Hey, want me to wash your hair too?"

"There's a lot of it," I warned, but her fingers were already combing through it almost reverently. I gathered this was one of her fantasies. I smirked to myself, beginning to regain my equilibrium. Obviously I should have let her wash it before this.

"It's so long," she said wonderingly, "there's just so much of it."

"Yes," I said serenely, rather proud of myself. The hair was a nice touch. Everyone liked the hair, men and women alike. Even Akio couldn't rival it. (Although he'd tried his best.)

"How do you keep the knots out?" she wondered. "How do you afford enough shampoo?"

I smirked again. Such questions.

"Oh," I said vaguely, "it gives me something to do."

I felt her disbelieving eyes on my back. She smoothed my now wet hair back behind my ears, moved it carefully over one shoulder and pressed a line of kisses down my neck.

"I thought you were washing my hair," I murmured, hands going to the walls to support myself against this new assault.

"I'll get to it," she murmured back. "Believe in me."

My spine arched. Such words.

"You taste so good," she whispered against my skin, lingering where my neck met my shoulders. "You taste like…"

"If you say eternity," I said drily, "I'll get out of the shower right now."

Utena froze, then relaxed and nipped playfully at my shoulder. She was getting used to my emerging humor. Her voice became seductive.

"No, that's what I say about making you come."

I gasped, and felt moisture on my legs that wasn't from the shower.

"You taste like…" she continued, "roses."

"You eat roses?" I teased her.

"No," she mumbled and I could tell she was grinning as she licked a line beside my spine. "You smell like them too."

"It makes sense," I said primly.

"Does it?" she wondered. "Does anything about you? About me? About what's happening to us, and what's already happened?"

I turned in her arms, propping my back against the wall. I studied her, wondering at her mood tonight, her frankness and unusual insights. She was bursting with being the prince, I could practically see unearthly light shining through her skin. That wasn't on the physical plane of course: In reality she was gazing at me, lust and love co-mingling in eyes that seemed equally fascinated by my eyes and my breasts.

"You have a lot of questions," I said carefully.

She didn't answer for a moment, stroking instead at a massive scar that made a ragged V just above where my abdomen met my thighs. My own eyes found the scar on her belly, the one I hated while being utterly fascinated by it. My handiwork.

"I only have one really," she said, as her eyes crept up to mine, filled with indefinable emotion, begging me for something but I wasn't sure what. She took a deep breath, suddenly as tense as I'd ever seen her.

"Who was on the phone?"

I gazed at her, seeing in her pleading eyes that she already knew the answer. Had known since the balcony, since she saw the phone. But she wanted me to say it. She needed me to say it.

So I said it.

"Akio-san," I whispered and hung my head.

"How dare he," she muttered, and her hands tensed briefly on my hips, then moved away to a safe location at her sides. "I told him to leave us alone."

I looked away, up into the spray raining down on us. My admission was a quiet one, tearing from my throat almost against my will.

"I called him."

Silence. I looked at Utena. Her head was bowed now, long wet hair hiding her face from me. Her fists were clenched at her sides.

"Why?" she asked tonelessly, and I shivered at the implicit pain in her posture. I thought about how to explain it to her. I didn't know how to explain it to her.

"He's my brother," I said slowly, because it was all I could really say.

"So what?!" she yelled, exploding into action out of nowhere. She glared at me, hurt narrowing her eyes, arms folding defensively over her chest.

I looked away.

"No!" she yelled. "Stop that! Tell me the truth, damn it, damn him. Don't look away from me!"

I looked back.

She glared at me, then her lip wavered and she crumbled, burying her face in her hands and starting to cry. I stared at her, not knowing what had taken her from anger to pitiful sobbing in a few weighty seconds.

"I hate it when you do that," she mumbled through her tears.

When I did what?

"Sorry," I said cautiously, "I'm sorry Utena." Tentatively I put my arms around her and felt a rush of relief as she came to me willingly, collapsing against my chest to bury her face in my shoulder. Her arms wrapped around me desperately and she continued crying, but silently now.

"You don't even know," she moaned into my neck. "You don't even know, do you."

It wasn't a question. And I didn't have an answer. I held her instead, waiting until she calmed, until her sobs leveled off.

Then I attempted an answer to the earlier question.

"Akio-san is…" My strangled words came to a halt and I struggled to breathe properly. It was so hard to talk about. Harder to make her understand. But clearly I had to. She needed me to.

"He is…was…the reason for…everything." My voice cracked, but I kept going. Utena was frozen against me, hanging on every word.

"Dios was… the world. And Akio was the… end of that world. B…but he was still the world. All that remained of anything. Of everything."

"What are you saying?" whispered Utena, pulling away from me, staring down at me like a little-girl lost.

"I turned my back on him," I said, astonished at how raw my voice was coming out. "You showed me how. And that I sh…should. But Utena…"

I took her hands in mine.

"He's still my brother."

She stared at me, disbelieving.

I stared at her, appealing. Finally her shoulders slumped, and she bent her head to press a kiss to our joined hands. I knew then she'd forgiven me, at least for now.

"I don't agree," she told me. "I don't really understand."

"I know," I said, and I did. How could she (an orphan) know what it was like to have a sibling who was so much a part of you that you began where he ended? Akio and I were closer than twins, as connected as the constellations. There was more history between us than truth in history. Our blood couldn't be denied, anymore than hatred could, anymore than love.

Yes, Utena was my world now. But Akio was the end of it, and Dios was the beginning. It was just how it was. How it had always been.

"Are you gonna call him again?" she asked, the hurt in her eyes begging me not to. The very question revealed she knew she couldn't stop me. But it still surprised me that she wasn't trying to. I was used to being controlled.

"I don't know," I said, which was the truth. She nodded and bit her lip.

"Here, let me wash your hair."

I turned and allowed her to start massaging shampoo into my scalp. We were quiet, intent on our divergent paths of thought.

"Utena," I whispered finally, "I wish it didn't hurt you."

"Yeah," she murmured, "it's alright, Anthy. Really, don't worry about it. Just let me know about it, okay? We gotta deal with this stuff together. Even when we disagree."

"Yes," I whispered, but I knew it would be better if she'd never known. There were some swords a prince shouldn't have to bear.

* * *

The next day I woke with an awful headache. I sat up on my elbows, looked at the peacefully sleeping Utena whose head was pillowed on my stomach, then looked at ChuChu who had taken her actual pillow (again).

 _Where are my hairpins?_ I wondered fuzzily, thinking for a second that they were still in. Surely I couldn't have such a headache if my hair was loose. I shifted out from under Utena doing my best not to wake her, and sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands.

_What am I going to do?_

I needed a plan. A good plan, a plan worthy of my brother, a plan that would put that upstart Professor in his place and put Tokiko off the map.

_How dare they challenge me?!_

I blinked and tried to reign myself in. So. This was what anger tasted like. Metallic on my tongue. Slightly reminiscent of the swords but directed outward instead of in. Did others feel like this all the time? How inconvenient. My thoughts were all cloudy: it didn't seem like a wise emotion.

I reached over and patted the nightstand searching for the box that held my hairpins. It was wooden, shaped like a leaf, and covered in a series of etchings depicting a satyr catching a nymph and taking her on the forest floor.

A gift from Akio on one of my birthdays.

I fumbled with the hidden catch and then ChuChu was hopping up onto the table, clever paws opening it for me.

"Thank you," I told him and he cheeped. He started to hand me the pins, one by one and I started to pin up my hair. It was soothing, natural, an old well-remembered ritual. I thought better when I did this, thought along the lines of ancient mantras, and prayers that never got answered. I couldn't count the times I'd done it, bound my hair so tightly that not a strand escaped.

(It had been my time to plan the day, to play out my moves before I made them. Or my time to recover from the ravages of the night before, putting them behind me, forgetting them on the misty plains of what was past and couldn't be undone. And so didn't matter.)

"You're putting up your hair?" Utena sounded confused. She moved over to sit next to me, yawning and stretching mightily. "I thought you liked it down?"

"I have a headache," I murmured, and took another pin.

"And that will help?" She still sounded uncertain as she placed a tentative hand on my thigh. "Won't it just make it worse?"

I put the pin down and stared straight ahead.

"I don't know. I thought… I don't know."

Utena's hand flexed a little on my thigh and she cleared her throat.

"Are you…are you alright, Anthy?" She slipped one strong arm around my shoulders and pulled me against her chest. "You seem…I dunno. You seem sad."

"I feel strange," I whispered, my head aching too fiercely for me to dissemble. Utena stroked at my hair but caught her hand halfway on the pinned up part. She stopped and ran her fingers lightly down my back instead.

"Strange how?" she asked finally, and I could tell she was worried.

"I think I'm getting a migraine," I told her. "Maybe I should stay in bed today."

In that instant I realized I'd solved my own problem. In bed I wouldn't have to confront either Tokiko or Mikage, not when I wasn't ready yet. Was I sick deliberately then? Could a body do that for its owner? I stared down at my knotted hands in something like fascination.

"A migraine?" Utena sounded at a loss. "Er, yeah, stay in bed for sure. Geez, I'm sorry, I don't know what to do for migraines. I never get sick you see."

That was true. She was the picture of health when uninjured. But I didn't really get sick either. Or at least not without good reason. I suppose I had a good reason now. But I wasn't making this happen…was I?

I wasn't really a witch. Was I.

"I'll ask Juri and Miki-kun," she was saying. "Maybe they'll know what to do. Should I call the doctor?"

"No," I told her, "I'll be fine. I just need rest."

"It's probably my fault," she mumbled, "cos we argued last night and all."

"That was an argument?" I said mildly, still finding it in myself to tease her.

She smiled tenderly at me.

"Do you want something to eat? Soup maybe?"

"No," I said, "I'm not hungry." I hugged her briefly then let her go and started removing the hairpins.

"Okay," she said, and got up to start dressing. "I'll keep the others out of this part of the house so you can sleep."

"Thank you," I said.

When the pins were out I lay back down and huddled under the covers. Utena had pulled the blinds down so the room was dark. I put an arm over my eyes and tried not to think about my aching head. I heard the soft sounds of her moving around getting ready for the day, then the equally soft click of the door as she left. I heard her footsteps going down the hall. I heard the faintest sounds of activity downstairs as breakfast started.

I sat up.

ChuChu chirruped enquiringly at me.

"Go be with Utena," I told him. "Keep her busy." For a moment he hesitated, studying me with strangely disapproving eyes. Then with a little huff he obeyed, jumping off the bed and scurrying under the door.

I sighed, and picked up the phone. I needed advice. I needed advice from someone who would understand, and who already expected the worst from me. I needed him.

"Hello Anthy," he said, voice warm with approval that I still craved. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine," I lied, putting a hand to my throbbing head. "And you?"

"Not as well as I used to," he said sadly. "It was a Saturday night you know."

"I know," I said.

"And what is Utena-kun up to on this fine Sunday?" He laughed shortly. "I suppose she doesn't go to church."

"No," I said. Utena would likely fall asleep in a church service, then fall off her chair.

"I thought about going," he said, "for old time's sake. Remember when we were Roman Catholic?"

I sighed. Of course I remembered. Akio had found penance an amusing and incredibly useful concept.

"Or when we were Hindu?" he laughed again. "I don't suppose you've performed the Vedic Agnihotra today?"

"Only a few hundred people still know those sacrifices," I reminded him.

"Really?" He sounded sad suddenly. "How time races on without us."

"We're out of our time," I whispered.

"Every time is ours," he argued, "and will be again. When you come back to me."

"Please," I sighed, turning on my side and bringing my knees up to hug them to my chest. "Do we have to have this conversation again?"

"Yes." His voice was petulant. "It's necessary. You may have forgotten your duty, Sita, but I haven't forgotten you or your many obligations."

"I have no duty," I said. "Don't call me that."

"Kali then?" he laughed, a disturbingly beautiful sound. "Or do you prefer to think of yourself as Parvati?"

"Don't do this," I whispered.

"A witch by any other name," he reminded me, voice turning harsh. "Remember the Li Ki, little sister: Faithfulness is requisite in all service of others and faithfulness is especially the virtue of a wife."

"I'm not your wife."

"No?" His voice turned amused. "You are my bride if you are anyone's. And your vows to me cannot be undone by some arrogant girl-child."

I was silent. There was no point in arguing with him when he was like this. There was never any point in arguing with him. Why was I even talking to him?

"Anthy," he whispered, changing tacks with startling grace. "It wasn't all bad, was it? Remember when you tricked Amun-Ra into giving you his secret name?" He sighed. "That was fiendishly clever, a triumph of magic. You were the snake who bit him," he laughed again, "and only you had the cure."

"You told me to," I said and he laughed.

"But it was your idea." He sighed again. "We enjoyed ourselves didn't we? Our endless games. The whole world was ours…"

"Yours," I repeated stubbornly. "It was yours."

"Tell me why you called me. I know you have a reason."

"It's nothing," I murmured, suddenly reluctant to trust him, even a little. He wasn't like Dios this morning, not at all. I had needed him to be.

"Nothing's ever just nothing with you," he said and I stiffened. Out of the mouths of those who knew me best.

"Tell me," he said compellingly and my head ached like a poker had been stuck into it. I whimpered.

"Are you…alright?" His voice took on the strangest quality, concern (how long had it been since he'd been concerned for me?) mixed with intrigue.

"It's nothing," I whispered, "just…Chida-san showed up here the other day."

"Tokiko?" He paused and I could almost see his long fingers tapping on his knee. "What does that whore want?"

"Did you send her?"

"Why would I do that?" he purred. I pinched at the bridge of my nose as my migraine grew. My stomach roiled.

"And Souji-sama is here," I said shortly. "Did you send him?"

"Really? The good Professor made an appearance?" Akio chortled. "I thought he'd be dead by now, faded away completely."

"He's strong," I said, "An unusual mortal."

"It means he has vision," said Akio. "Well well well, how interesting. I may have misjudged him. I wonder what could be fueling his…quest?"

"You already know," I hissed, pain pushing me past the point of politeness.

"Yes of course," he murmured, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Who else but you, my beloved sister? You've inspired many such quests before."

"I don't want to!" I cried. "I don't want him."

"It is your nature," said Akio, "to tempt our duelists, and lead them to their ruin. It's only natural, Anthy, you know it is. You are a witch, an evil witch. It's why you must also be the rose bride, why I was right to cage you."

I moaned. Akio made an echoing sound of pleasure, deep in his throat.

"How I've missed your pain."

"Stop it," I said weakly. "I called you for advice. I n…need your help."

"No you didn't," he corrected. "You called me because you belong to me and it's what I wanted you to do."

"No!" I cried.

"Yes," he insisted. "Stop your foolish fantasies. Come back to me."

"Utena has defeated you," I muttered, but it was getting hard to argue with him. His words sounded…like what normal was. They sounded right.

And most of the time Utena sounded wrong. Shockingly wrong.

"It's a temporary setback," he growled, and his anger fairly seethed through the phone. "She's an imposter; she stole my power! I don't know how she did it…but now that I've rejoined with Dios there must be a way to…" He trailed off meditatively.

"A way to what?" I interrupted, suddenly terrified for Utena.

Akio laughed.

"Never you mind, little bird. Unlike your darling prince-girl, I know not to trust you with my secrets."

I moaned and fought for air. Through the growing muzziness that made it increasingly hard to think I bit out:

"Just tell me. Did you send them or not?"

"No," he purred. I had no idea whether or not to believe him but I knew I would get nothing more that was useful. Only pain.

Calling him had been a mistake. One I couldn't seem to stop myself from making.

I hung up. Then I hung over the side of the bed and was sick on the floor. I felt like crying. I felt like going to sleep and never waking up. I felt like gliding out onto the balcony and falling off the edge.

I settled for crying.

TBC in Chapter 5: Unchosen Angels


	5. Unchosen Angels

_A mighty pain to love it is,_

_And 't is a pain that pain to miss;_

_But of all pains, the greatest pain_

_It is to love, but love in vain._

_~Abraham Cowley~_

* * *

Hours later I managed to clean up the floor and myself enough to venture out the bedroom. My headache had faded to manageable levels. I'd decided to pin my hair up after all: I was in dire need of control. Briefly I thought about wearing my glasses but decided against it. It would be stupid to scare Utena out of her wits.

Going to the kitchen I made myself soup. Then I went looking for the others, fueled by a strange need for company - I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be somewhere where Mikage could confront me, or my brother's messengers could taunt me with the mere fact of their presence.

I found Miki in the sunroom playing his favorite song. Utena and Juri were there too playing cards over sake. Gazing out the windows I saw that it was evening; I'd sobbed the day away.

"Anthy!" cried Utena happily. "Come join us."

She patted her armchair, seemingly intending me to squash in beside her. I looked at Juri and chose the armchair next to Utena's instead, patting her arm on the way down. I didn't need tension right now, I needed peace.

"Are you feeling better?" said Juri, and I looked at her sharply. What did she care what I felt like? I saw she was looking at me warily, but with seeming sincerity. Perhaps she'd noticed my choice of chair? Or perhaps she wanted to impress Utena? Oh, who cared what her motive was, I was too tired to puzzle it out.

"Much, thank you," I said quietly, starting to sip my soup.

"We have painkillers if you need," said Utena. "Here, I put them on the table in case you came down."

"Thank you." I took them willingly.

"Sake?" Juri offered.

"No thank you," I said. "I better not." I took up the water-jug instead.

Juri and Utena grinned at me in tandem, as though I'd said something funny. I stared at them bemusedly.

"How much have you two had to drink?"

"Too much!" called Miki. "I've been counting."

Oh. Well that explained Juri's amicability.

"It's ChuChu's fault," accused Utena. "He's the one who found it. Dunno where."

She raised her cup at the naughty creature, who was presently staggering under another flask that was three times his body-size, weaving his way across the sunroom.

"It's very high grade," Juri told me. "Not that shit they sell down the road."

I goggled at her, unused to friendliness in her. Or profanity.

"You should taste it," suggested Utena. "Here, drink out of my cup."

She leaned over the short distant between us, proffering it with a very focused expression on her face. I realized she was trying not to spill it.

"No, that's alright," I told her, pushing her back gently. "It would make my headache worse."

"Oh yeah." She rocked back in her chair, draining the cup instead in one loud gulp. "You're so wise."

"To Himemiya-san!" toasted Juri, raising her cup to me before downing it. I shook my head in amazement.

"How much have they had?" I asked Miki, who was grinning as he listened in on the conversation.

"Well that's the third flask," he said, nodding toward ChuChu. "I wonder where he's finding it. The basement?"

I sighed at ChuChu. He was inventive to be sure. Utena was good and distracted. But I hadn't exactly meant he should get her drunk…

"So is three queens good?" she was asking now, holding her cards so close to her nose it was a wonder she could focus. "Or bad?"

"You have three queens?" said Juri. "You shouldn't tell me that, silly!"

"What are you playing?" I asked.

ChuChu had arrived at the table. I took the flask off him and he flopped down on his back under the table, huffing and puffing. I picked him up and put him on a cushion on the next chair over. He waved his arms and legs around luxuriantly, peeped with approval, and fell asleep.

"He sure sleeps a lot," said Utena. "Like a cat."

"Yeah," said Juri, "like a cat. Poker," she added as an afterthought. "Strip Poker."

"No no no!" corrected Utena. "I told you Anthy would kill us if we play that." She glanced sidelong at me then back at Juri meaningfully. "So don't tell her you suggested it, okay?"

"Oh right," said Juri. "Yeah we're playing Secret Poker, cos Utena's too wussy to play Strip Poker."

"What?!" yelled Utena, "I'm not wussy!"

"Are you scared?" taunted Juri.

"No way," insisted Utena. "Why would I be scared? I have a great body." She pulled up her shirt and examined the sculpted lines of her belly.

We all looked at her eyebrows raised and she blushed.

"Wha-at? I do."

"So how does Secret Poker work?" I asked, wondering if this was really the place to be if I wanted my headache to vanish completely.

"You win a round," explained Juri, "and then the loser tells you a secret. And I win this round!" She slammed her cards onto the table (a full house), "because Utena only has a triple."

"Fuck," said Utena. "What a jip."

"Language!" hissed Juri. "Your girlfriend's present."

Utena looked sheepishly at me and rubbed the back of her neck.

"Oh yeah. Right. Sorry Anthy."

"It's alright," I said demurely, fascinated by the proceedings despite myself. I'd never seen Utena drunk before. Or any of the others.

"So, tell me a secret," chorused Juri in an annoying singsong voice. I noticed Miki's piano-playing stopped as he leaned in closer to hear Utena's secret.

"Thank God," said Juri, "that song makes me feel like being sick."

"I think that's the sake," giggled Utena.

"Hey!" said Miki indignantly, pouting just a little. "It reminds me of my sister." He picked up a cup on the piano lid and I realized he'd been drinking too, albeit less than the others.

"That's why it makes me sick," said Juri. "Your twin's a bitch."

"Hey!" yelled Miki, standing to his feet with his fists clenched at his sides. "Take that back!"

"It's true," said Juri, batting her eyelashes at him. "And you know it, Miki-kun."

"You're the bitch," he muttered, swaying and sitting back down on his bench. "I don't feel so good."

"You can't hold your sake," said Juri, nodding sagely. "Be a man. Learn to drink."

"I don't have your reasons to drink," muttered Miki and my eyes widened. Was that…true?

"What reasons?" wondered Utena aloud, saving me needing to.

"Shiori," said Juri, sniffling loudly. "She's such a bitch. She hurts me every single time."

"Every time what?" said Utena, pouring herself another glass and getting half of it on the table.

"I dunno," said Juri, "every time I even see her. Or talk to her. Especially when I talk to her. I think she has it in for me. I think she…" She leaned closer to Utena and whispered with her hand by her mouth (only the whisper was two times louder than normal speech), …"knows."

"Knows what?" said Utena, hefting her cup.

"That Juri-san lurves her," sang Miki from his bench. "That she carries her picture in her loc-ket!"

"I do not!" hissed Juri.

"Yeah!" agreed Utena. "We already cleared that up last time Juri lost. It's MY picture now."

"Yeah!" said Juri.

"Oh yeah, that's right," said Miki. He started playing again.

I grimaced. I'd suspected as much. I wondered if any of them would remember this in the morning.

"It's your turn," reminded Juri, "to tell us your secret, Utena-kun. So hurry up, will ya."

"Yeah yeah, I just gotta drink this first." Utena pinched her nose and downed the sake. Juri laughed at her.

"It's not a shot, Utena. You aren't meant to shoot it."

"It's my sake and I'll drink it however I want." Utena sighed and flopped back into the chair again, then twisted and dangled her legs over the side nearest me. She started kicking the side of my chair in an offbeat rhythm, which was irritating to say the least.

"Well I do got a secret."

"You do?" Juri leaned in close while simultaneously draining her cup. Sake spilled onto her white blouse. Miki's playing petered off again.

"Yeah," said Utena and I was interested in spite of myself. Her voice quieted and she stopped kicking my chair. "You see…"

"What?" asked Juri.

"What?" repeated Miki.

They all looked expectantly at me.

"What?" I repeated dutifully.

"Well," said Utena, "my secret is…"

Juri and Miki leaned in.

"That I ain't got no more secrets!" Utena's giggled triumphantly. Juri and Miki stared at her like she'd grown two heads.

"What?"

"That's not possible!"

"Yeah it is," said Utena earnestly. "All my dirty secrets are out in the open! Honest! I told em already. Letmesee…" She started to tick points off on her fingers.

"I cheated on Kanae-senpai with her fiancé, I slept with the chairman…"

"Damn it Utena," interrupted Juri, "all your secrets are about sex."

"I almost kissed you," continued Utena, sticking her tongue out at Juri. "I…"

"Wait, what?" I interrupted. They both looked at me, Juri smirking while Utena paled.

"She almost kissed me!" repeated Juri smugly.

"No, no," said Utena, "you almost kissed me. I got that one wrong."

"When?" I demanded. "Where?" I couldn't hide the hurt in my voice but (luckily) they were too far gone to notice.

"Oh a long time ago," said Juri vaguely, "back in high school."

"By the fountain," said Utena, "we were having a fight, about the prince I think, or something like that…"

"Yeah," said Juri. "You said you wanted to be a prince. And I said you were an idiot. I was gonna kiss you but," she shrugged, "I shook you instead. And challenged you to a duel."

"Yeah," said Utena. "You shoulda kissed me."

I frowned at them, unsure why my heart was twisting in my chest. What did it matter if Utena had some kind of schoolgirl crush on Juri? (Beautiful, perfect, self-possessed Juri. A rose bride of a girl, but without any of the taint, and serving no master but herself. A prince of a girl, much like Utena herself.)

Utena was mine.

"I should have," agreed Juri, her voice unusually intense.

"Ladies!" hissed Miki, "Anthy-san is sitting right there!"

They both jumped and looked at me, apparently remembering my presence.

"Woops," said Juri.

"Woops," repeated Utena.

I fought to keep my face blank.

"Well it don't matter," said Utena, "cos it never happened, right? And now that I got Anthy it will never happen."

I frowned at her choice of words. Miki's playing started up again.

"Maybe you won't always have Himemiya-san, ever think of that?" said Juri, pouring another drink for both of them. "I don't got Shiori no more."

"You never did," called Miki unhelpfully. _The Sunlit Garden_ had never had so many discordant notes.

"I'll always have Anthy," said Utena, "or she'll always have me. I'm not sure which…" She turned her head and gave me a soppy grin. "God, I love you."

"You're drunk," I said, stiffly because I was hurt. Hurt for no reason that I could fathom and angry at myself for feeling that way. Feeling such weakness.

Of course she didn't notice.

"You and me are friends," she was telling Juri, accepting the new drink. " _Friends_."

"I know," said Juri, staring into her drink. "You remind me often enough."

"Let's play again," said Utena, "I wanna know another secret."

"I don't feel like playing," muttered Juri. She threw back the sake. "I feel like drinking."

"Okay," said Utena amicably, throwing her own cup back.

I got up and took the jug away, ignoring their outraged protests. They were drunk enough as it was. I wasn't looking forward to the hangovers.

* * *

Thanks to said hangovers I was the only one awake the next morning, all alone at breakfast when Mikage Souji walked in.

"Mamiya-kun," he purred, taking the seat next to me. "How delightful. I hoped we might have the opportunity to speak alone."

"What do you want?" I asked, not bothering to hide my bitterness. Barely hiding my fear. Didn't we lock the front door? Of course not, the mansion was virtually in the middle of nowhere.

"Don't be like that." Mikage picked up a slightly-burned croissant. "Hmm, did you happen to make this? Your culinary skills always did leave something to be desired…"

"What do you want?" I repeated. ChuChu had fled under the table and I wondered if there'd be any point in fleeing the room. Probably not. Mikage would just follow me.

"I want you of course," he said meaningfully. "Mamiya-kun."

"Don't call me that." I looked away.

"Change," he ordered, voice low and intense. I looked back, startled.

"You heard me." Mikage's fingers drummed on the table. "It's what I want. Oh I know you're the same person. Himemiya Anthy is just another construct, and Mamiya just a beautiful illusion. But he's _my_ illusion. _My_ Mamiya." He picked up my hand and pressed a delicate kiss to the pulse-point of my wrist.

"My heart," he husked.

I stared at him stonily; there was no reason to hide my true expression.

"I don't want you," I said. "Not now. Not ever."

His face crumpled for a moment than regained its frosty smile.

"Now, now, that's not true." He leaned in to press another kiss, a little further up my forearm. My hand twitched as though to pull away, felt the strength in his deceptively gentle grip, thought better of it.

"What we had," he continued with yet another kiss, "was real."

"No," I said.

"Yes." Mikage peered into my eyes, then let his own run appreciatively over my body. "You're very beautiful like this," he noted. "Even with your hair pinned up." I grimaced at him, at his eyes dancing over my cleavage.

"I could grow to like it," he said, "because I know the inner workings are what I'm truly interested in. The clockwork of your heart, the chick inside the shell."

I sighed wearily. So many lines over so many centuries. So many suitors thinking they knew what they wanted and swearing it was me.

But he'd said it himself: I was just an illusion, one that had been re-made in the image of his deepest darkest desire. He had to know that. He was a genius. He had to know I wasn't what he wanted. Maybe he just didn't want to know it. Couldn't bear cold reality as opposed to rose-scented fantasies.

Well, who could?

His lips pressed to the crease of my elbow. His tongue darted out to flicker across the delicate flesh there. My arm jerked.

"Change," he said as he hovered there, voice like steel. "Or I will find your beloved Tenjou right now, and I will tell her exactly what you are." His head tilted to the side and his eyes slanted up at me, glittering with triumph.

I blinked. My heart twisted in my ribcage.

And I changed.

Mikage sat up and stared at me incredulously, drinking Mamiya in rapturously.

"Glorious!" he cried. "How I've missed you… my dearest one…"

I stared at him coldly but in this form he didn't seem to notice it. His eyes were feverish, his hands suddenly warm where they gripped my arm. I trembled as his eyes raked my new and much slighter body, as his hands shifted to seize my shoulders.

"Tell me," he hissed, "tell me, Mamiya-kun. You know you can tell me. Anything. Anything at all…"

I knew what he wanted me to say. I'd always known what victors wanted me to say.

"I've missed you," I murmured. "Souji-sama."

With a sharp cry, half-rapture half-pain he fell on me. He kissed me, ravaging my mouth, gripping my body with hands that bruised. I went limp, letting him do what he liked. I knew he was too far gone to notice. His threadbare sanity filled in all the details for him, just the way he liked them. I didn't have to do a thing. (This was also familiar.)

Time drifted.

"What the hell is this?" Juri's sounded angry and suspicious, and Juri herself looked worse for wear. Mikage sat up straight, let me go, brushed at his creased suit. I didn't move - couldn't really think at that point.

Instead I watched silently as Juri watched us, taking in my ripped purple shirt and Mikage's tilted glasses that he was just setting straight.

"Mikage-san?" she prompted, "I repeat, what the hell is going on here?! Who is this?" She glared at me.

"Oi, you're being way too loud." Utena traipsed in, then stopped dead on Juri's heels and gawked over her shoulder. "What's going on?"

Juri folded her arms and tapped her foot.

"That's what I want to know."

I glanced at Mikage who was staring at me with a dreamy expression on his face. Yes. Insane. I don't know why I hadn't fully realized it until now. Stark raving mad, but brilliant still. The first one ever to figure out this particular secret.

Perhaps it took insanity to see some realities?

Damn my brother and his arrogant self-assurance. It had been a mistake to toy with a mind this analytical and not wipe it clean. Now I was left to pick up the pieces…it was my secret at stake here, not Akio's. I had to ensure Mikage didn't reveal it to anyone else.

Or maybe that's what Akio had intended all along…

"Who are you?" asked Utena, plopping down in the seat across from me and glancing curiously between Mikage and myself. "What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing's wrong with me, Tenjou-san," murmured Mikage, evidently getting a grip. "Allow me to introduce my guest; I hope you don't mind the imposition on your generous hospitality. This is Mamiya-kun."

Juri was sitting down across from Mikage, still staring suspiciously.

"As in the Mamiya you hired us to find?"

"Yes," said Mikage. He picked up his burned croissant. "As you can see I've found him myself. So I came to tell you that I won't be requiring your services after all."

"Wow," said Utena smiling happily at him. "That's so cool. I'm real glad you guys got reunited." She turned her smile on me. "I'm Tenjou Utena by the way." She stuck her hand out, western-style. "Nice to meet you."

I didn't take her hand, but bowed politely, the best I could from my seated position.

Her smile widened.

"Hey, you remind me of Anthy. You even kinda look like her." She turned to Juri and nodded at me. "Don't you think so?"

"What, because they're both…" Juri's eyes flashed to my bindi than looked away quickly. "…Whatever they are?" She frowned. "What ethnicity is Himemiya-san anyway? You must know by now."

Utena blushed and played with her food.

"Er…I uh…I never asked her that."

Juri rolled her eyes.

"Well you should." She looked at me, and smiled remotely. (I wondered if she was cognizant of how she came across to strangers.) "How did Mikage-san find you?"

I looked down, not really wanting to talk. It was bad enough just being here like this. Wearing this form yet again, and against my will besides.

"It was a miracle," said Mikage, beaming at me as he took a sip of tea. He took one of my unresisting hands in his.

"Oh?" pressed Juri.

"A miracle of modern science and rational thinking." Mikage was preening. "A little like an equation. You see I wrote down all the possibilities one by one, and then I wrote down all the impossibilities alongside them."

Juri arched an eyebrow in polite disinterest. Utena hid a yawn (poorly) behind one hand.

"You see," continued Mikage, "When you look at life and death through the eyes of logic, you are able to see that the grains of sand in an hourglass are more than what they appear to be."

"Uhuh," said Juri, reaching for the sugar-pot. Utena wasn't even pretending to pay attention. She had found ChuChu hiding under the table and was trying to coax him out. But he wasn't coming.

"They appear to be sand," explained Mikage, "but they are actually time. Yes! Time itself. An allegory of time if you will."

"Of course," said Juri, sipping her tea and reading a fashion magazine she'd managed to grab from somewhere, who knew where.

"Eh? An allegory-whatsit?" muttered Utena, head still under the table.

Mikage didn't appear to notice their inattention, he was too busy waxing poetic. It was a good thing he'd never worked as a lecturer. Personally I was beyond grateful that Juri and Utena weren't listening; they might learn something if they did. Covertly I pulled my hand from Mikage's and reached for the teapot, since tea was comforting. Besides at this point, even I was bored.

"This means," said Mikage with the air of one revealing the secrets of the universe, "that what is logical must be the truth, whether it is possible or impossible. That is the only possibility left. Inasmuch as anything can be true."

"Certainly," murmured Juri, turning the page. "Inasmuch." I saw that she was looking at a lingerie add. Or perhaps she was looking at the model, a petite brunette.

"These croissants are burned," moaned Utena. She took three anyway. "Hey, does that mean Anthy made them?"

I frowned at her.

"When you strip away illogic," intoned Mikage, "you are left with a lie, an utter impossibility. But making excuses about it is suited only to adults who cling to age-old children's fairytales." He raised a finger and waved it remonstratingly at his audience of none. "Fairytales!"

"Fairytales," repeated Juri, leaning in to get a better look at the model.

"Mmm," said Utena, mouth full of croissant. "Notsh bad for a burnedsh one."

"You must accept the impossibility as the answer!" declared Mikage. "The logical answer! The pieces all line up, the nature of the game has been shown to be entirely different from what lesser men call possible. All you have to do then is believe, and I do believe…even if I just want to believe."

I was lifting my tea to sip it but Mikage forestalled me, reaching across to cup my chin and tilt my face up toward his. His voice was soft.

"Unchosen angels, not unlike ourselves, have no need for heaven's wings."

"Ish that a poem?" asked Utena mouth still full, watching us curiously.

"It's gibberish," muttered Juri under her breath.

Miki picked that moment to stumble in and Juri and Utena chorused hellos at him, clearly glad for the interruption. Mikage let my chin go. Hurriedly I drank my tea.

Miki was holding his head, protesting the noise, which prompted Juri to retrieve painkillers. Then Utena started a new round of introductions and caught Miki up on the situation, glossing over Mikage's wordy explanation of how he'd found me.

I just sat there, saying nothing, eating a withered piece of toast so as not to draw unnecessary attention. If I did think, it was to wonder how I could salvage this miserable situation. It was like something out of one of my gentler nightmares.

"Well we must be going," said Mikage prompting me to look up in horror.

"Really?" protested Utena. "But surely you want to wait for Anthy. Introduce her to your friend." She smiled at me again, a friendly smile, an ignorant and unknowing smile.

"That's unnecessary," said Mikage, dabbing delicately at his lips with the lace handkerchief from his top pocket. "Anthy-kun already knows Mamiya from days of old."

"She does?" Utena's forehead crinkled. "She never said anything…"

"She keeps her own counsel," said Mikage, offering the handkerchief to me, then wiping my face when I made no move to take it. "You must know that about her."

Juri was staring at us, an uneasy expression on her usually composed face.

"Excuse me, Mikage-san," she broke in, "but just what is your relationship with Mamiya er", she stumbled over the honorific and erred on the side of caution, "san, anyway?"

"Relationship?" said Mikage blandly. "He is my bride of course."

Three shocked faces goggled at him. Utena's jaw dropped and a piece of croissant fell out. Miki knocked over his tea. He didn't clean it up.

I felt my world start unraveling, but could only sit there in silent anguish. Watching helplessly as it came undone. Screaming silently but saying nothing. Not even daring to move.

"Br…bride?" muttered Juri, eyes re-assessing my uniform, taking in the leaf-like embroidery, the golden epaulets and green tassels, finally contextualizing it, recognizing it. Seeing it as the garb of a rose bride. I could see the others doing the same, Utena's eyes focusing on the rip in my shirt and a frown creasing her forehead.

"Of course," said Mikage, leisurely wrapping an arm around my narrow shoulders, pulling me close. "The black rose bride."

"Bl…black roses?" whimpered Miki. His fists clenched on the table.

"I think black is more beautiful," purred Mikage, "don't you?"

Ever so easily he was slipping into his old Ohtori role. I didn't know for what purpose. He had to be insane, or else why would he be revealing this? I tried not to cringe away from him, least he feel it and grow angry.

"Black roses…" muttered Utena, looking down at the table, and then pressing a hand to her head. "That's so familiar…"

"Shiori dueled you with my heart-sword," said Juri, glancing over at Utena, her eyes flickering with her own buried pain. "Don't you remember?"

"I do," said Utena, staring at Juri and blinking slowly. "I do now…"

"So do I," said Juri grimly, rising to stand over Mikage in a slightly threatening manner. "Or at least I'm beginning to."

"Kozue dueled," said Miki, standing to join Juri. "This man," he spat the word, "had something to do with it I'm sure. He hurt them."

"They wanted to kill Anthy!" gasped Utena, leaping to her feet beside them. "I remember now! They wanted to kill her and make some imposter the bride." She glared at me meaningfully. "You!"

She turned on Mikage. "And you! You're the reason they all dueled, aren't you? Whispering lies in their ears, turning their own darkest emotions against them! You tried to turn me!" Her voice was simultaneously angry and excited as the rush of memory poured forth.

"You called me T…Tokiko! Oh my God, you're…you're him, aren't you?! The Professor Nemuro she's looking for? What the hell, is she in this with you? Is this some kind of sick game, a trap for Anthy?" She looked around frantically, realizing my absence.

"Where is she anyway? Have you…have you…done something to her?! I swear, if you've so much as hurt a hair on…"

"Utena!" Juri grabbed her arm and shook her a little. "Get a grip. We'll deal with this one thing at a time, okay?"

"Okay," muttered Utena, taking a deep breath and resettling herself. "You're right." But her fists remained clenched.

Mikage's arm tightened around me where we sat and he smirked up at them all, not in the least put out.

"I'm impressed, Tenjou-san," he purred. "Your temper is slightly better than it used to be."

Utena glowered, and looked like she wanted to hit him. Juri kept a cautious hand on her arm, and I was glad of it. The situation was bad enough without outright violence.

"What are you going to do?" Mikage asked them mildly, logically. "The black rose duels…they're all in the past. All I wanted was to find my Mamiya. And I have. So you can just let us go on our way."

"Wait a second," said Miki, sitting back down, mind clearly whirring. "You called Mamiya uh, san, your rose erm…bride. So he…works for the assistant chairman?" He looked at me curiously. "Still?"

"I thought there could only be one rose bride," said Juri, looking me up and down distastefully. "This one's a little young, don't you think? It's practically obscene."

"But that's why they wanted to kill Anthy," said Utena slowly. "To replace her."

"Are you…also related to the chairman?" Miki's voice was nervous as his eyes flickered over my bindi. I remembered that like Professor Nemuro he was a genius, albeit a musical and mathematical one. Everyone waited for my answer, including Mikage, who was smirking down at me.

"I'm Chida Tokiko's younger brother," I murmured so softly that they had to lean forward to hear me. Not even Mikage could disclaim that. And it was better than the other version of the truth.

"Oh," said Miki blankly. His nose wrinkled as he stared at me. "But I don't see how that's possible."

"If you'll excuse us," said Mikage, getting to his feet and dragging me up with him, "clearly we have nothing to do with the assistant chairman, anymore than any of you still do. Our business is personal and between we two alone. So I'll thank you to show us the way out."

Miki said nothing. Juri scowled and sat back down. Only Utena moved to stand between Mikage and the door, staring at me with a strange expression on her face.

"Are you okay with that?" she asked me gently. "Mamiya-kun?" My eyes widened at the familiar form of address, and I looked at her quickly. Our eyes met, hers kind, mine questioning. Then I pulled my gaze away, but hesitated, unable to stop myself. Mikage's grip on my arm tightened. I heard Utena's influx of breath and knew she'd seen it. We stood there for long uncertain moments while I tried to think past the role, past the constraints of this identity. Tried, and failed miserably.

"Souji-sama?" I said finally, looking up at him instead. I heard Utena's gasp at the sama.

"Let's go," he told me firmly, and I nodded complacently.

And we left, arm in arm.

We got as far as the garden path and then he pulled me behind the maze wall, and took me by the shoulders to stare down at me intently.

"I've thought about this a great deal," Mikage told me. "If I take you with me even that stupid Tenjou girl will soon realize the truth of our…situation." His lip curled. "She'll track me down and take you from me. And she'll win, because she's really Tokiko and I'm just a computer-like man." His face distorted with pain and I gaped at him, barely able to follow his flawed reasoning.

"That's why she left me," he hissed, "but I'll never leave you, even with that horrible thing that…" he glanced around nervously "…you did."

He bent to press a kiss to my forehead, a surprisingly soft and loving gesture.

"So you'll have to stay here with this duelist, and pretend to be her bride, but you and I will know the truth, won't we? You're _my_ bride; you're as black as the ashes of that fire, the fire you set because you understand what's needed to succeed." He nodded to himself. "Sacrifice is always essential to obtain eternity. And that will be your sacrifice, Mamiya-kun. To be away from me until we can…fix this problem. And then we shall obtain eternity together."

I stared at him more blankly than before, feeling a bit like falling over. Fortunately he took this as acquiescence. He pressed more kisses to my forehead, my nose, my lips. He lingered there and I closed my eyes and tried to block him out. I didn't love him. I didn't want this, any of it, any of him.

This was madness.

 _But it's your fault, isn't it?_ hissed a voice from somewhere deep inside, a voice that made me start and wonder at my own thoughts. _If this is madness you're the one who drove him to it._

I shuddered against the chilling truth. (How much better to never hear your conscience. To be a doll without a heart.)

"I'll be back," Mikage told me, finally straightening. "And when I return we'll rid ourselves of Tokiko once and for all. I just have to figure out how to do it - the perfect plan. But I will. Never fear, my heart, I will." He kissed my hand. "Be ready."

He let me go, and stepped out from behind the hedge to stalk down the driveway. I just stood there, watching through the leaves as he hailed a cab and roared off. I stared after him for a long time, and wiped my lips with the back of my hand. Then slowly, woodenly, I shifted back to normal.

* * *

"Where have you been?" cried Utena, finding me an hour later in the attic.

"Nowhere," I said vaguely, allowing it as she rushed over to gather me in her arms. I made myself hug her back, although I really didn't feel like touching anyone. (Even her.) I wanted to be alone, which was why I was in the seldom-used attic in the first place.

"I was so worried," she told me, stepping back to look me over carefully. "That weird Mikage guy was here and aw…awful things happened." She looked down at my easel. I had been pretending to paint since I knew she would find me eventually. It was far less suspicious than sitting balled up in a darkened corner. Unfortunately I hadn't managed to paint anything: just stood there and stared at the blankness of the canvas.

"He found Mamiya-kun, you know, that boy he was looking for," she told me, still looking at my blank painting. Her voice sounded strange. "Mikage-san said he was the…black rose bride. He also said you knew him. From before." She hesitated.

"Is that true?"

"Yes," I murmured.

"Oh," she said. "But you…never said?"

"No."

We stood in silence and both looked at the canvas, which was ironic, because neither of us was really looking at it.

"Why?" she asked after a pause in which a telltale bead of sweat had time to slither down my neck. I looked at the canvas, harder than before.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said. "About…back then."

She said nothing, just stared at the canvas too. Then she reached over and took my limp hand in hers and held it. Slowly, so slowly my hand curled around hers, our fingers entwining.

And it was okay to be touching, it felt right.

We stayed there till the shadows came.

TBC in Chapter 6: Once Upon a Time 

* * *

*In this chapter I quoted (in the voice of Mikage Souji) from Anthiena's wonderful _Truth (Dub Cover)_ \- a possible English translation of the song _Truth_ , from the ending credits of _Revolutionary Girl Utena_ ), which can be found at <https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3111662/1/Truth_Dub_Cover>. Or by doing a search for _Anthiena_ under authors at fanfiction.net.


	6. Once Upon a Time

_I have had a dream, past the wit of man to say what dream it was._

_~William Shakespeare~_

* * *

Within our garden's many-layered maze was a forest grove, secluded from the outside world. A cherry blossom tree grew at its center. I sat cross-legged leaning against it, Utena lying with her head in my lap. We'd just finished eating a picnic lunch which had been her idea, as had the location.

It was a pleasant day, much calmer than my own mood. The sky was blue; a cooling breeze stirred the leaves. My fingers stirred through Utena's hair as I watched dappled shadows move over her face.

"It's almost certain," she said, rubbing at her eyebrow, "that Chida-san is working with Mikage-san."

"Yes," I said, although given what I knew I thought it unlikely. Not if Mikage thought that Utena _was_ Chida Tokiko.

"She was meant to come to a meeting this morning," said Utena. "But she didn't show. Miki-kun's made this big diagram showing the connections between everything that's happened, and he says that's probably why."

"What does Arisugawa-san think?" I was curious in spite of myself. Utena cringed a little and didn't answer for a moment. She had a troubled look on her face, one that made me want to smooth it away.

"She thinks I should ah…talk to you about it." She rubbed her eyebrow more fiercely. I stared at her, sure Juri had insinuated far more than that.

"Oh."

"Yeah." Utena sounded faintly apologetic. "So uh…what do you think? That is…" She took a deep breath and met my eyes for the first time. "Do you know how they could be connected? Chida-san and Mikage-san?"

"Her younger brother is his rose bride," I said simply. I knew she already had that information, and that she didn't know I knew it.

"Yeah…" said Utena, and we sat in silence for awhile. I couldn't shake the feeling she wanted me to say something else, something more. But I had nothing I wanted to say.

"Your hair's up again today," she said unexpectedly. "Do you have another headache?"

"Yes," I said, "but it's bearable."

Shots rang out nearby.

Swearing, Utena shot out of my lap, coming to her feet in one smooth motion. She looked around desperately, pink hair flaring as she spun.

The baying of hounds filled the air.

"It's a hunt," I said calmly, smoothing my skirt and remaining seated. "Their prey must have run onto our property."

"This is Japan!" protested Utena.

"I recognize the sounds," I told her, and I did, intimately. I was certain it was a hunt, improbable as that might be. The baying grew louder. Utena whirled uncertainly while I watched her.

"They're getting closer," she muttered.

"Yes," I agreed. They baying was so loud I thought we might be about to catch a glimpse of them passing.

The undergrowth parted and all of a sudden the pack raced into the clearing itself. There were three black, three brown and one huge mottled monster. Slathering eagerly they leapt toward us, or more precisely, toward me.

My calm dissolved. With a sharp cry I was up and backing into the tree, arms up to protect my face. Utena yelled and threw herself in front of me, somehow managing to shoulder the first beast aside, even as it sprang for my throat.

"Utena!" I gasped out, more terrified for her than I had been for myself. Power blazed around my hands and I reached toward her heart from behind, instinct taking over. With pure blazing thought I drew the sword of Dios, catching her shoulder with my free hand as she fell forward. Amazingly she managed to keep something of her wits about her, simultaneously kicking at the second and third dogs. But she was off-balance. The fourth hound ducked through and bit her shin.

She gave a sharp cry and kicked it away.

I reached around her torso and thrust the sword-hilt into her waiting hand. She was anticipating the pass-off, and effortlessly twirled the sword into a defensive position. The mottled hound recovered itself and re-leapt. Utena swung the sword two-handed and flat side out, batting it back. It sprawled at our feet, then gathered itself on its haunches. Eying me it let out a bloodcurdling snarl.

"Heel!"

The command was sharp, proffered by a well-dressed man on a massive black stallion. As we goggled the horse curveted wildly; he reigned it in with considerable skill. Three more horses pulled up around him, their riders glaring in our direction.

The hounds slunk over to their master, growling and drooling.

"What the hell was that?" yelled Utena, pointing her sword at him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

The man ignored her and watched us from beneath his broad-brimmed hat, which had a scarlet feather curving at its side. For some reason he looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place him. His features were shadowed, and only his ice-blue eyes (as cold as my brother's) could be seen.

"Get out of the way," he ordered expressionlessly.

"What?" growled Utena. She didn't move. I peered over her shoulder, and the man stared right at me, strange eyes glittering.

"Hello Kitsune," he said, and now his voice took on a wheedling edge. "Why don't you come over here and play?"

I stared at him.

"Are you crazy?!" yelled Utena. "She's just a girl!"

"Even you," the man told her emotionlessly, "aren't quite that stupid." He turned back to me. "We've caught you, so you might as well give up." He actually grinned, displaying prominent canines. "No tricks. We all know what a deceitful creature you are."

_Something niggled at my memory. Another time and place, another forest (not just a grove), running and running, panting and sobbing, sprawling exhausted at the base of a tree (but it hadn't been a cherry tree…it hadn't been Japan…). Hearing hounds baying in the distance, racing ever closer. Hearing shots ring out: the horn-blares and shouts of hunters._

_And Akio pulling up into the clearing on his princely white charger, pivoting it gracefully to smirk down at me._

" _What's this?" he'd purred while I trembled on hand and knee, practically under his horse's hooves. "They'll be here soon. Best run while you still can, little sister."_

_I stared at him, begging for mercy with my eyes but not really expecting any. (I'd already known better.)_

_The hounds' baying grew louder._

" _They're almost here!" Akio laughed exultantly. "Which hunter will win you this time, I wonder? Personally I'm betting on the Count's son."_

_Wheezing helplessly I pushed myself to my torn feet, and whirled to stumble back into the forest._

" _Good girl," called Akio as I made what retreat I could. "He'll like you better if he has to catch you."_

Ice-cold with fear I pressed my back against the cherry-tree and gasped at the man on the horse. The Count's son, and later the Count in his own right. I couldn't remember his name, only his title. I stared at his three companions and couldn't remember their names either…but I could remember them. Belonging to them, all at different times. Yet the Count…I had been his the longest. He was the victor who had gotten the furthest in those duels, called hunts, and as was so often the case, gotten the furthest with me.

"That's a good girl," purred the Count, seeming to sense his opportunity. His eyes bore into mine hypnotically. "Come here."

Unthinkingly I took a few uneven steps. With a sharp cry Utena stopped me, one arm an iron bar across my chest. Still wielding the sword with her free hand she tossed me a glance, a volatile mix of horror and appeal.

"Are you crazy?" she hissed. "You want a fight?!" she yelled back at the Count. "Is that it? You'll have to come through me to make Anthy do anything she doesn't want!"

"She wants it," he said ever so reasonably. "She's been caught according to the rules of the rose hunt and she knows it." His eerie eyes turned on me. "I said, come here!"

I tried to go to him. Utena's arm was rigid, catching me across the torso and holding me back. With a cry she dropped her sword, turned, grabbed me by the upper arms.

"Snap out of it!" she yelled in my face. She shook me. "Anthy!"

"Hurry up!" ordered the Count.

I went limp in the face of conflicting messages, bones turning to water. Utena's hands were the only thing holding me up, even as they had previously held me back. With a sharp cry she caught me and swung me up into her arms, hoisting me protectively in front of her.

"You can't fight like that," the Count told her, still damnably reasonable.

"I don't gotta," Utena hissed at him, as angry as I'd ever seen her. "Anthy is already mine."

I was shocked to hear her actually say that; I think she was past the point of knowing what she said. The Count stared at her. So did his men. So did I. A rifle was slung on the Count's back…slowly he reached for it. His hounds growled. I shivered. Utena tensed, I could feel her muscles flexing where our bodies made contact.

"What's going on here?" demanded a new voice, an icily familiar voice. Utena whirled with me in her arms, and the grove whirled around us, flickering for a moment with strange mottled shadows. (If you looked closely you might see figures in them, figures of what used to be girls acting out plays that used to have meaning. I knew better than to look.)

Then Utena fell to her knees and dropped me in front of her. She bent over, gasping for breath. Weakly I rolled onto my side and clutched my knees to my chest.

Juri strode into the grove, staring incredulously.

"What was that?! Those men and horses…where did they go? Utena…what were you doing?"

"I dunno," wheezed Utena, recovering enough to pull me back toward her. She stroked my cheek anxiously. "They just disappeared. And did you see those huge dogs? They coulda killed us!" She bent over me.

"Anthy, can you hear me? Are you okay? Anthy?"

I put a shaking hand over her hand, but I couldn't talk yet. Couldn't really think.

"Is she alright?" Juri again, kneeling next to Utena.

"I dunno." Utena's voice was strained. "Those were friggin' hunters of all things! They came out of nowhere and called Anthy a fox spirit! Crazy bastards!"

Juri looked at me appraisingly, then looked back at Utena.

"They did? How…interesting." Utena glared at her.

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing," said Juri, "but I've never met anyone else who made such myths seem plausible."

"Shut up," grated Utena, "you don't know what you're talking about!"

"And you," said Juri, reaching over to retrieve the sword of Dios from the ground, "don't know what you're defending."

A slap rang out. I sat up and stared at them, Juri's reddened cheek and Utena's tearful fury. The sword of Dios had fallen back to the grass.

"Stop it," I said. "Please."

"Sorry Juri," Utena muttered, staring at the ground, fists balled at her sides.

"No need to be sorry," said Juri tightly. "Just open your eyes every once in awhile. See what's right in front of you."

With that she sprang up and strode away. Utena didn't stop her. I put a hand on her rigid back, felt it shaking, took my hand away.

"No, no," she said softly, reaching out and entwining our fingers. "Don't stop."

With a deep breath she lay down and stared at the sky, eyes swimming with the tears she refused to shed. I lay down too, pillowing my head on her chest. It was a relief to hold her and be held.

"Did that really happen?" she asked eventually. I was a silent for a moment, thinking how to answer.

"Not now," I finally whispered. Her hand went reflexively to my head, felt the hairpins there, hesitated, then started stroking anyway.

"We're not at Ohtori," she murmured. "I just don't understand…how these crazy things can happen when we're not there anymore."

"We're not at Ohtori," I agreed, "but Ohtori is not really a place."

"Y…you mean…" She paused, hand shifting to run lightly down my arm. "Your skin's like ice," she hissed, pulling me more fully on top of her and wrapping her arms around me. "It's a person," she guessed and I was surprised at her perceptiveness.

"Yes," I said.

"But I gave him Dios," she said stubbornly. "And it can't be Dios."

"I'm Ohtori too," I said and my voice was odd to my own ears.

Utena gasped. Then her arms tightened around me so much I couldn't breathe.

"Anthy…" she said harshly, brokenly. "Don't say that…"

"Shh," I said, "it's alright." For long moments more she held me, then her arms loosened and she sat up, helping me up too.

"Let's go back," she said, looking everywhere but me. "It's getting late."

I helped her pack the remains of our picnic.

"My leg isn't hurt," she pointed out when we were almost back at the house. "That's so strange." She looked down at the sword of Dios which was shoved through her belt. "But it all really happened cos the sword is out. Hmm how do I put this thing back? It always just disap…"

I had waved my hand already. The sword vanished in a spray of golden sparks. Utena finally looked me in the face. Actually she stared.

"Sometimes," I told her. "You should listen to Arisugawa-san."

I stepped inside before she could answer.

* * *

I woke with a start, dripping with sweat and utterly terrified. I stared, not understanding what I saw. Juri's hand gripped my bicep; we stood in the middle of the ballroom. This room was unused, dusty and undecorated. It remained an empty space, wide wooden floors that needed polish and an immense chandelier that stayed unlit. There were mirrors on the walls to catch the dancers and throw them back at their admiring selves. Now they reflected the night hanging outside the arched windows: a sliver of moon and cruelly gleaming stars. And us: Juri and I locked in a parody of a dance.

Juri's nails dug in, as did her probing eyes.

"Come here often?" Her voice was mocking. I stared at her, suddenly aware my cheeks were damp with tears.

She stared back. Her hand tightened then relaxed. With a sigh she let me go. I stumbled back, then dropped to my knees. I still wasn't sure what was happening.

_There had been people here moments ago; the room had been full. A prince had danced with a princess, both decked in bejeweled white. Others had danced too, whirling like so many brightly colored roses. Opulence, such opulence, I hadn't seen its like in nigh two hundred years. Courtiers had lounged on chaises and I had knelt before one such, offering him grapes, pouring him wine. His stiff brown beard had bristled as he leaned in to force a kiss instead. His hand had pulled roughly at the neckline of my gown._

_A dance for the new year. For the new emperor. But not for his sister, ostensibly just another lady of the court. Never for his sister. Always for his princess. Always for the princesses he rescued, who usually didn't need saving. No rescue for his sister. There would never be a rescue for her. Never ever. That was understood._

_It was all part of their fairytale, carved out by metal. Written in her blood._

I blinked again and focused on Juri's bare feet, and the hem of her frilly white nightdress.

"..telling me that _you_ sleepwalk?" she said incredulously, and I detected a hint of accusation. I said nothing, and after a pause she continued.

"I followed you. One can't be too careful…strange things have been happening lately." She hesitated. "You were crying." Something in her narrow gaze informed me she was sure this was some kind of trick.

I realized she had woken me. Managing to gather the tatters of my composure I rose to face her.

"Thank you." I turned to go but she grabbed my wrist.

"Hold it! Where are you going?"

"Back to bed," I said blankly. "Sorry for disturbing your rest."

She stared at me like she didn't know what to think. She didn't let go.

"What's going on?!" Utena had arrived on the scene, sliding a little as she rushed over to us in blue pajamas and red socks.

"Himemiya-san was…sleepwalking," said Juri, removing her hand.

"Oh," said Utena reaching my side and wrapping a comforting arm around me. "She does that sometimes." She scratched her nose and blushed a little as she noticed the gauzy material of Juri's nightdress.

_I do?_

"Then you should keep a better eye on her," said Juri. "Lock your door."

"I do!" protested Utena. "It doesn't help any."

I stared at my feet. I hadn't known any of this. What else did I do in my sleep? What did I…say?

"Stop her from leaving your room," insisted Juri. "Who knows what will happen if she's free to wander the house. She could hurt…herself." _Or someone else_ echoed her unspoken words.

"What am I supposed to do?" snapped Utena. "Tie her up?! I usually wake up in time and guide her back to bed, which by the way is what you're supposed to do with a sleepwalker. I suppose you grabbed her or something like that, huh? Maybe you slapped her?" The heat that colored her cheeks intensified and her voice was rising.

I stood quite still but felt a niggle of something in my belly. What was it, this unfamiliar feeling? They were talking about me like I wasn't even here. Like I was some kind of doll that Utena had to protect and Juri had to suspect. But I wasn't a doll. Not anymore. I pulled away from Utena.

"I'll seal the bedroom door," I told them, for once in my life unable to hide my irritation. "It won't be a problem anymore." I turned to go back to bed. Utena caught at my arm but I'd had enough of that for one night.

"No," I told her without turning around. "I'll meet you up there." Pulling away I padded out the room. I heard raised voices behind me.

"That's your fault!" hissed Utena.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Juri, "I'm sure you annoyed your girlfriend all on your own. You're annoying me."

"Why don't you understand?" cried Utena, and I hesitated for a moment wondering if I should turn back and get her. She sounded so upset…

"She has nightmares, okay?" she continued, as I hovered just outside the door.

_I did?_

"Terrible nightmares," said Utena, "I can't bear them sometimes. But you act like it doesn't even matter."

There was a pause. When Juri spoke she was still cold but with an edge of uncertainty.

"Everyone has nightmares." Her voice became bitter. "Nightmares of Ohtori, and we all know why that is."

"But Anthy has more!" insisted Utena, voice rough with tears. I wondered if she'd grabbed Juri, she sounded so intense. "Not just Ohtori, Juri-san. All the Ohtoris before that. If you could hear the things she says…the sounds she makes…" She was crying now in earnest. "If you knew…"

"Utena-kun," said Juri so softly I almost didn't hear. Risking a peep I saw she'd pulled Utena to her chest and was holding her tightly.

"They're getting worse," cried Utena, "She's getting worse. What should I do? What do we do, Juri? Everything is getting worse…I'm scared of what's coming…"

"Shh," said Juri. "We're in it together. We'll work it out."

Utena sniffled and burrowed her face in Juri's chest. She was hiccupping from the force of her tears. I got the funny feeling she'd been holding herself in check, trying not to cry for the longest time. I got the feeling she couldn't have cried like that, made those heartfelt admissions if it had been me there holding her.

I left.

Turning at the end of the corridor I walked straight into Miki.

"Ouch!" he yelped springing back, then blushed and apologized profusely. Muttering my own apology I tried to step past him.

"Wait, Anthy-san!" he called, "There's all this noise…what's going on?"

"Utena and Arisugawa-san are talking privately," I said as calmly as only I could, rain or shine, life or death. "Go back to bed, Miki-kun."

He blinked at me. I turned and walked away. Leaving him to do what he would. Leaving Utena and Juri to take what comfort they could.

* * *

Events were like a bloody ocean now, one swell breaking after another. I knew something else would happen soon, inevitably, without me being able to stop it, or slow it, or wish it away.

And so it did, the very next day.

It happened in the form of Takatsuki Shiori, walking in on us all in the meeting-room. She entered without so much as knocking, or waiting to be announced.

"Shiori!" cried Juri, leaping to her feet and leaping away from Utena. They'd been seated together on the couch, heads bent over Miki's latest chart.

I looked up from the corner table where I was pressing black petals to dry them, then organizing them into a rose sugar-pickle. If black roses were going to bloom it seemed like the thing to do.

"How dare you!" yelled Utena, leaping up to stand shoulder to shoulder with Juri. "How can you show your face here after what you did? You tried to shoot Anthy!"

Juri folded her arms but added nothing to Utena's tirade, biting her lip as she stared at our uninvited guest. Miki glanced nervously between them from his armchair. I saw his fingers edging toward his pant pocket, no doubt searching for his stopwatch.

Shiori laughed, a light and lovely sound.

"Oh that's all in the past, Tenjou-san. Can't I visit my oldest and best friend?"

"And who might that be?" said Juri.

Tense silence.

"How did you get in?" asked Miki.

Shiori laughed again but this time with a hint of strain.

"The door," she told Miki sweetly. "I suppose the past is exactly that," she added to Juri. "But I haven't come here to talk about the past."

"So what did you want to talk about?" asked Utena, tone and stance aggressive. I couldn't help noticing that she was edging between Shiori and myself.

I looked down at the sugar-pickle. When it was finished it would last longer than the live roses had. Was that a good thing? Could flowers that were forced to last ever be happy that way?

"Actually I wanted to give you all an invitation." Shiori smiled and reached into her handbag.

Utena tensed.

Juri's arms unfolded.

Miki clicked his stopwatch on.

Shiori pulled a card out and flourished it in the air.

Utena sagged.

Juri's brow arched.

Miki clicked his stopwatch off.

"It's from Akio-sama," Shiori revealed, eyes darting quickly from one of us to the next. "He's holding a ball."

"He's WHAT?" gasped Utena.

"Let me see that." Juri snatched the invitation away and I watched Shiori maneuver herself so their hands ended up brushing. I had to admire her deftness. Juri pulled her hand away like she'd pricked herself on a thorn. She stared at Shiori for a beat, eyes wounded. Then she busied herself over the invitation, all cool calm again. Shiori's smile broadened.

"Why would he hold a ball?" mused Miki.

"Something to do of course." Shiori giggled. "Life's boring without parties." She slanted her eyes at Miki. "Kozue-chan will be there. She wanted me to make sure you knew that."

Miki's eyes lit up.

"Sh…she did?"

"She misses you," said Shiori. She turned to me. "As Akio-sama misses you."

I didn't have time to respond before Utena made a dive at Shiori. It was so unlike her that I half-rose to my feet, but Juri got there first, catching Utena's shoulder and pulling her back.

"Calm down," she ordered. "She's just stirring you."

Utena blinked and took a deep breath. I sat back down. Utena shoved her hands into her jean pockets and took another breath.

"Thanks," she muttered, still glaring at Shiori.

"Goodness me," said Shiori. "It seems like it's a crime around here for siblings to be…affectionate." She smiled prettily at Utena. "Guess it's a good thing you don't have any family."

Utena's glaring got worse.

"I didn't realize you knew so much about Utena," said Juri smoothly, dangerously.

"Touga-san talks about her a great deal," said Shiori. "It's such a bore. Anyway…" She glanced around the room. "I do hope you'll all attend. And Juri-san…" She fluttered her eyelashes at the older girl. "Save a dance for me."

She flounced out of the room, and presumably out of the house.

"Should I go after her?" asked Miki, "get her to come back and give us more information?"

"No," said Juri tightly. "The less we see of her the better."

"But we gotta see her if we're gonna help save her," argued Utena, moving back to the couch. The other two stared at her incredulously.

"Uh, sorry for saying this Utena-san," said Miki. "But it sure didn't seem like you wanted to save her just then."

"I was mad," said Utena, sticking her chin out stubbornly. "I don't think good when I get mad."

"Understatement of the year," muttered Juri, but she raised her hands when Utena turned her glare on her. "Look, right now we have to decide if we're going to this ball. And what is the chairman playing at?"

"What." Miki clicked his stopwatch on. "Does." He clicked it off. "It." On. "Mean?" Off again.

"It means he's still plotting and planning," said Utena. "Damn him, I told him to leave us alone!"

"Like he would listen," said Juri. "He's always been his own master."

"But I gave him Dios," argued Utena, like that should settle it once and for all.

"I wonder what that actually did to him," said Miki. "Theoretically speaking. It should have converted him back, right? To uh, whatever Dios is or was…"

"You're the genius," said Juri with a shrug. "Your guess is probably better than either of ours. Personally I think Utena should have killed him."

"What?" Utena stared at her.

Juri shrugged and passed the invitation to Miki; he started to pour over it, no doubt looking for clues.

"Some people can't be saved," said Juri. "It's a painful lesson that most of us don't learn until we're being stabbed in the back."

Perhaps unconsciously Utena's eyes darted to mine. There was no hiding that she'd done so; I had stopped pressing petals and sat watching the conversation. She turned bright red and looked away again.

"B…but he started off good," she argued. Almost against her will her eyes darted back to mine. By then I'd made my face blank, a helmet with the faceguard down. It was a reflex, and one I was suddenly happy to have.

"Surely…" said Utena, voice trailing off as she gazed at me. "Surely he…he…"

Juri followed her gaze and put a hand on her arm. Utena's head snapped back round to her.

"Surely he should be able to be good again?" guessed Juri. "Life isn't really like that."

Utena stared at her, eyes haunted. Yet again they flickered to mine, then back to Juri's as though scorched.

"What do you think, Anthy-san?" asked Miki. "You uh…know him better than anyone."

I felt my distant gaze gliding over to Miki, to study him remotely. He flushed and looked down.

"Anthy?" prompted Utena. I looked at her instead.

"There once was a monkey that fell down a rocky cliff," I said. My voice was faraway, the story was an old one that had been whispered to me in a snow-covered palace.

They all stared at me, intensely curious. I continued calmly.

"He'd always lived at the top of the cliff, so he could see everything there was to see. All his needs were taken care of in the garden that grew there, filled with magical fruit. Naturally he wanted to get back up the cliff, back to his place on top of the world inside the magical garden. But it wasn't going to be easy, because he was injured in the fall. His tail had turned crooked, whereas once it'd been straight, but he was still very attractive."

"An attractive monkey?" said Juri drily. ChuChu chirped a protest from where he was pinning useless scraps of paper onto Miki's corkboard. Utena giggled. The tension broke.

"Yes," I said and found it in myself to smile a little. "Attractive, and cunning too. The other animals always believed in anything he said."

"So he wanted to get back up?" prompted Miki. He'd curled up in the armchair hugging a cushion to his chest. He looked entranced, just like a little boy. I smiled at him.

"Yes. Although he was hurt he did his best to start climbing. He must have climbed, oh, the height of a very tall tree. But of course he'd never climbed higher than that before. And the truth is…" I paused and looked around. They all leaned forward a little, and I thought how like children they were, even as young adults. I had my audience in my grasp.

"…The monkey was a very lazy creature. He'd never had to do anything for himself, courtesy of living in the garden of magic fruit. He'd always known everything, courtesy of living at the top of the cliff where he could spy easily. As I said before, he'd never climbed higher than a tree. So…"

"So?" said Utena.

"So he stopped climbing," guessed Juri. Her voice was thoughtful, a little sad.

"Yes," I said. "He stopped. Because it only took a moment to fall. But it would take a lifetime to scale that cliff. And it wouldn't be easy; it would be filled with sweat and blood and determination that he just didn't have."

"The moral of the story," put in Juri, "is that you shouldn't trust a creature that has everything handed to it on a silver platter."

"Is it?" I said. I turned back to my rose sugar-pickle.

"Do we go to the ball?" said Miki, sounding very young and sad. "It sounds like it would be a stupid thing to do. But Kozue's there…"

"We're with Utena," said Juri stolidly. "So it's not really about making smart decisions, is it? We'll just have to fight the monkey again. And kill the bastard."

"Huh?" said Utena. "What are you guys talking about?" She gazed searchingly over at me, and I felt the heat of it for long aching moments. But I didn't look up; I had to finish the sculpture. I had to get rid of the black roses, and turn them into something that would last even if it wasn't forever.

"Of course we're going to the ball," she finally muttered. "Takatsuki-san and Kaoru-san are on our list."

"On _your_ list," murmured Juri, but she shrugged good-naturedly and I knew she'd follow Utena into a warzone. Which was actually what she was doing.

I frowned down at the flowers as the talk petered off, and Miki left the room to call Saionji, who it was agreed would be a valuable ally. Juri went off to search for appropriate party clothes (sometimes she could be quite the girl). Utena came over to sit across from me, staring at the sugar-pickle.

"What does the story mean?" she asked.

"Do you really not know?" I pushed the last petal into place. Then I shivered as Utena's hand lightly brushed mine.

"It means you think I did the wrong thing," she said tightly. "That I made another mistake that's gonna put us all in horrible danger. Like I did before when I made you scry."

"No," I said, "I can't usually see the future." Gently I pulled my hand away from hers. It was just that her touch burned now, like purifying fire, and I was already so singed.

"Look at me," she said, and there was hurt in her voice and shadowing her big blue eyes. "We're in this together, okay?"

I looked at her, wishing I didn't have to. The urge to hide, to contain, to hold back and be safe was growing every day. It hurt to be like Utena. It was easier to be like Anthy.

"Okay," I said. I tried to look away but her hand caught my chin and directed my eyes to her own.

"I'll pull you up that damned cliff on my back if I have to," she swore with feverish intensity. I gaped at her. She'd understood the fable, and far more than the others. I'd misjudged her again.

Perceptive when it counted.

Determined unto death.

A regular fool.

"We're in this together," she repeated. "Promise me. Promise me, Anthy, that you won't give up. It's the only thing that could make me give up. If you gave up." Her hand let go of my chin to cup my cheek. "So don't give up."

I couldn't look away from her pleading eyes, simply had to give in to her desperate demand.

"I won't give up," I whispered, and I turned my head to kiss her palm. Her eyes warmed and she smiled at me, but oh so sorrowfully. I smiled sadly back.

"Good," she whispered. "Oh good. I can do anything knowing that. Anything I have to." Her hand shifted to cradle my neck and she leaned across the table to kiss me.

And for one sweet delusional moment I believed she really could.

TBC in Chapter 7: Dressing Wounds


	7. Dressing Wounds

_Be not afraid of growing slowly, be only afraid of standing still._

_~Chinese Proverb~_

* * *

It was evening and I was watching television in the lounge with Juri of all people. I'd been watching the home shopping network when she'd walked past, and to my (hidden) shock, joined me eagerly.

"Oh, I just love that," she murmured, gazing at the pearl necklace that had been flashing across the screen at various angles for the last ten minutes. The sleazy male announcer smiled toothily and assured us it came with a special certificate from the Japan Pearl Science Laboratory.

"It's gorgeous," I agreed, quite taken by the way it contrasted with the model's dark skin.

"I'm tempted to buy it," she said. She reached for the phone, then sighed and pulled her hand back.

"Too expensive?" I guessed.

"No, it doesn't go with my ball gown." She pouted at the screen. "If it did… But my older sister gave me a strand of pearls last Christmas. I can't really justify getting another set."

"A shame," I commiserated. Distantly I considered how odd it was to make small talk with Juri of all people. Especially since I didn't really make small talk. Of course nobody really talked to me about my interests; maybe that was the difference. The rose bride hadn't had interests.

"Yes," she agreed. She glanced sidelong at me, perhaps noting the way I fiddled with the neckline of my blouse. "Why don't you buy it?"

I reached for the phone. ChuChu cheeped at me from where he sat between us and I pulled my hand back reluctantly.

"Controlling little bugger," muttered Juri, eyeing him.

"He's right," I said, turning back to the screen. "I shouldn't."

"Too expensive?" she guessed.

"No. It's just I have so many jewels already."

Juri frowned slightly.

"Of course you do."

I said nothing, just stared at the screen and imagined the model wearing the pearls was me. Juri turned back too. The announcer assured us that the necklace's clasp was 18K gold, as opposed to that of any competitors' products which were sure to be an inferior 14K.

Juri oohed. I ahhed.

Just as suddenly we glanced sidelong at each other than back at the screen. ChuChu chortled between us, clapping his paws. The television screen flickered enticingly.

"I love this show," muttered Juri, sounding like she couldn't believe she was speaking to me, and so amicably too.

"I watch it whenever I can," I told her, not knowing why I offered that information.

"You do?" She smiled for a moment than caught herself. "So do I."

"Of course," I told her with a small smile, "I have to get away from Utena first."

She actually laughed.

"I bet you do. She'd hate this."

"She does," I agreed. "Each time she's watched it she's fallen asleep. Last time her mouth was open and ChuChu poured his chili-soup down it, and I'm afraid I was too busy watching to stop him." I shook my head at the amusing memory. Of course Utena hadn't been all that amused…

"That sounds like Utena," Juri leaned forward as the products changed and the announcer started raving about a two for one offer on _Stars Moon Sun_ perfume. Apparently it was worn by women of society and was guaranteed to make you attractive to everyone with a sense of smell.

Juri reached for the phone. Then pulled back her hand with a sigh. ChuChu emitted an enquiring peep.

"I've got too much perfume already," she sighed. "Although…it would be nice to wear a brand new scent to the ball. And you get two for the price of one!"

"Yes," I agreed, wondering if it was really necessary for me to smell like roses all the time. Whose idea had that been anyway?

The announcer informed us there were three fragrances, ostensibly sun, moon, and star. The model was a beautiful redhead: she looked somewhat French. Smiling coquettishly she began spraying her wrists with perfume. The announcer grabbed her wrist and started kissing it.

"What does sun smell like?" wondered Juri.

"I think it's the sandalwood, sugar orchid and cashmere one," I informed her complacently. "With base notes of amber and freshly picked ginger."

"Is there any other way to pick ginger?" said Juri drily.

We giggled.

"You know," she said, favoring me with an opaque look. "You really pay attention to detail."

"Yes," I said. A pause.

"Why?" she asked, and the flickering of the TV set coupled with our sudden and surreal camaraderie loosened my tongue.

"It was my job," I said.

We stared at the screen. The model was spraying moon scent around everywhere now, and the announcer was having a coughing fit. Juri smirked a little, the turned back to me.

"About that," she said, eyes and voice uncomfortably direct. "Was it really necessary to keep offering me orange roses at every opportunity?"

I sighed and looked at her, meeting her frank assessment head on.

"It was my job." My voice was soft, but unapologetic. Juri frowned. I waited patiently for what was coming next, heavy condemnation, or perhaps a slap.

"I shudder to think," she muttered, "what I would have done if I'd won one of those duels." If she'd been my victor she meant. I smiled faintly at her, and she arched an eyebrow.

"I already know," I told her. "In another life you did."

She gaped at me, a bit like she had when the sword fell out of the sky to slice the rose from her breast. But her next question surprised me.

"Tell me," she whispered, not contesting my statement. "Tell me how it was."

The next product offer had come on, something about a concealer that could hide any blemish. Neither of us paid attention.

I eyed Juri. ChuChu covered his eyes with his paws and peeked at her through them.

"Tell me," she said, sounding like she was nervous but trying to cover it. I shrugged.

"You made me sleep in the hall, and insisted we couldn't share a dorm-room. You said it was…inappropriate. When you found me inside cleaning, you slapped me and threw the orange roses out the window." I bit my lip. "There was glass everywhere. Takatsuki-san came by and…acted shocked and upset. You two had an argument. Then she took me to her dorm."

I pulled my eyes back from the alternate past and found Juri staring at me hungrily.

"What then?" she demanded.

"That," I whispered, "is not something you want to know." I sighed. "It would only hurt you." I folded my hands tightly in my lap. "Contrary to your expectations, Arisugawa-san, I have no interest in hurting you or anyone else."

"Because of Utena," she said, studying me with an implacable expression.

"Because of Utena," I agreed. We looked at each other, then simultaneously turned away. It was an understanding of sorts.

"I like the concealer," she said. "But it's the wrong shade for my skin." She glanced sidelong and added drily. "You hardly need it."

"Yes," I murmured sotto voice, "I have nothing to hide."

She stared at me. I felt a smile hovering at the edge of my lips. Unexpectedly we both laughed.

Utena walked by, did a double-take, and walked inside slowly, scratching the back of her neck and looking like she didn't know if she was having a dream.

"Sit down, Utena," invited Juri, "we're watching The Shop Channel." Utena grimaced then looked confused as Juri giggled and I covered my smile with my hand.

"I, uh, that is…" She scratched her nose, looked at us again, and decided this strange occurrence was worth her hatred of the channel. Tentatively she plopped down between us, picking ChuChu up by his tail and dropping him back down on her lap. He chattered excitedly at her. Always a fan of his antics she grinned and stroked his head. He closed his eyes and made a noise between the purr of a kitten and a dying asthmatic.

"Oh my," said Juri as a set of kitchen knives flashed across the screen. "That's perfect for you, Himemiya-san."

From the corner of my eye I saw she was smirking. I felt a faint answering smirk cross my own face.

"Should I?" I wondered, reaching for the phone.

"No!" yelped Utena, grabbing my reaching hand and sitting on it. "We already have enough cutlery. More than enough." She glared at me. "Don't tell me you two sit here buying everything you see."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Juri.

"We only buy necessities," I added primly.

"Yes," said Juri earnestly, her eyes wicked as she studiously avoided looking at Utena. "Why, the only things we've purchased tonight were that strand of pearls and…"

Utena's eyes goggled.

"…two bottles of perfume for the prince of one," I added.

"No it was four for the price of two," corrected Juri. "And don't forget…"

Utena looked like she might faint.

"…the concealer," I finished. "For you of course," I told Utena mischievously. She eyed me nervously.

"Makeup? But I don't even like makeup…"

"You really need to wear it," Juri told her.

"I do? But er uh…why do I…uh…"

"You should listen to Arisugawa-san," I told her, utterly enjoying her astounded look. There was a pause during which Utena looked flabbergasted and Juri held her breath to keep from laughing.

Then we burst.

Over the laughter Utena swore and muttered idle threats but I caught the surprised smile she threw me, relieved and proud all at once. I think she'd thought Juri and I would never get along. I patted her hand and let her think her optimistic thoughts.

One agreeable conversation did not a friendship make. But it was a nice interlude from all the animosity. I was beginning to realize that about ordinary life.

One could not live on animosity alone.

* * *

"I have nothing to wear to the ball!" fretted Utena, staring into our closet like she more often stared into the fridge. "Absolutely nothing."

"We could go to the castle," I offered from where I sat on the bed watching her. "There are dressing rooms there that fill whole rooms."

"We could?" she said, turning to stare at me. "There are?"

I shrugged.

"Who else is going to wear them?"

She grinned slowly.

"Yeah. Cool! Let's do that. I hate spending money on clothes. Seems like such a waste."

"You didn't mind spending money on that new sports jacket," I reminded her.

"That made sense," she argued. "It's got this breathable material that's really good for warming down after you exercise. Plus the red is such a pretty color."

It was my turn to grin. She blushed and looked away.

"Okay okay, you win. But let's go to the castle for party clothes."

I patted the bed and she moved to sit cross-legged beside me, facing me. Draping her arms around my shoulders she pressed an affectionate kiss to my cheek. I smiled at her, and closed my eyes in conjunctioin with the closing of hers.

The room whirled around us. Roses, crushed roses, twisting thorns. Blood, acrid and wet, flowing down my face, sticking in dried clumps to the roses. Metal, sharp and burning metal, stabbing, melting, solidifying, making up the bones and structure. Roses making up the softness of the flesh, giving color to the illusion. Not a girl but a doll. A beautiful doll, more desirable than a girl, but just a doll. A doll with no heart.

I opened my eyes, slightly dizzy from our passage. Utena's arms tightened around my neck temporarily.

"It's different when we both do it," she husked. "Easier."

"Yes," I whispered, hoping the sense of our passage was different for her than it was for me. I had the feeling it would be, Utena being Utena. And I was intensely glad of that.

"So where's this room?" she asked, extracting herself and helping me up. I took her hand and guided her through the maze of halls, instinctively knowing the way, just as I knew the words to say to each and every duelist. We shortly arrived at one of the dressing rooms and ChuChu disappeared into a fur coat with a squeak of glee.

"Don't make any holes," I told him, but I could already hear him chewing. I sighed. Utena grinned at me, and led us over to the closest rack.

"Wow," she said, "there's so many to choose from."

"What do you want to dress like?" I asked her. She looked sheepish as she checked out a row of glitzy uniforms and I grinned at the flush rising in her cheeks.

"A prince," I guessed. "I thought you said you weren't a prince?"

"Did I say that?" she mumbled, and I could tell she was embarrassed. I laughed and pressed a teasing kiss to her neck on the way past.

"You look good as a prince," I murmured, deciding not to tease her any longer.

"What will you wear?" she asked, wandering over to where I was studying a rack of delicately made gowns. She reached out one hand to stroke the flimsy material of a violet and lace concoction. "So pretty."

I stared at the dresses but didn't really see any of them, and wondered if I should tell Utena I didn't care. I would wear anything; I'd worn all these before. Balls held no allure for me, I hated crowds of people. Always every eye had been on me, watching me, lusting after me, or whispering jealous lies about me. Or jealous truths, it didn't really matter which. And of course there was the original crowd, and the hateful things they'd said for millions of years.

Nothing good had come of crowds. Nothing good had come from any of the myriad of balls, or dances, or parties, or feasts. Every single one had ended in heartbreak…not that the heartbreak had been mine. As a matter of fact the party I'd attended with Utena at Touga's invitation was the only good memory I had. I remembered her unexpected rescue…the way she'd draped a tablecloth (of all things!) about me…the innocent way we'd danced…

I'd decided she was interesting that day, as far as victors went. Stupid to be sure, but interesting. And unlikely to hurt me, which made a nice reprieve.

"Which do you like best?" I asked. "I'll wear that one."

"Are you sure?" She reached out to stroke a shimmering gown in green so pale as to almost be another color. "I love this one. You'd look…amazing in it."

I reached out and took it: the Greek-style gown I'd worn the night Akio had thrown the loser of the latest gladiator match (the duels of the time) to the lions.

"What are you thinking?" asked Utena, slipping an arm around my shoulders. "I get so worried about you."

"You do?" I turned in her arms, the dress sliding between us, then dropping to the floor. I slipped my arms around her waist, deciding I'd pick it up later.

"Yes," she whispered. "I can never tell what you're thinking. And sometimes…sometimes I'm scared. That it's something that h…hurts you."

"Oh Utena." I sighed and rested my head on her chest. "You shouldn't worry."

"So help me stop," she said, and her voice was tight. She pressed a kiss to my head, a fierce kiss and clutched me closer.

"Tell me what you were thinking just then. Tell me why your hair is up in pins, when it hasn't been in the whole of our time together."

I was silent.

"Anthy…" she practically begged and I could tell she was trying hard not to cry.

"It's not that easy," I whispered, closing my eyes tightly. "I was made to keep secrets."

"Just begin," she whispered back. "Try. Please try. Maybe you'll get somewhere. Maybe…" her voice caught, "I can help."

"I know you want to." I sighed and bestowed a kiss to her breastbone before lifting my head to gather her eyes into mine. She studied me anxiously and I lifted my hands to gently frame her face.

"Don't kiss me," she warned, voice husky, eyes swimming with tears. "I get distracted when you do that."

I sighed again. My far too perceptive prince. What was I going to do with her? How was I going to protect her from herself, and more importantly, from me?

"What were you thinking before?" she repeated. A tear leaked out and trailed down her cheek. I pulled her head down and licked it up.

"Anthy…" she warned, voice tense. She broke away and took my hands in hers. She stepped away then, holding them loosely between us but in a way that made me think twice about pulling away. I stared at her. She stared back. Another tear escaped from her big blue eyes. My heart hitched. I couldn't take much more of this…

But she truly didn't know what she was asking.

And I didn't know if I could give it to her.

Another tear. I closed my eyes and started to try.

"I was thinking about the last time I wore that dress." I opened my eyes. Utena was studying me, silently imploring me to continue. I took a deep breath.

"It was at a banquet, hosted by Akakios in honor of the latest…victor."

"Akakios?"

"Akio-san," I told her and her eyes widened appreciably. I laughed bitterly, which surprised me as much as it did her.

"Akakios is Greek for innocent, as in not evil," I told her. "It was his idea of a joke." My lips curved in a parody of a smile. "You know, three saints supposedly had that same name."

"Oh," she whispered, eyeing me anxiously, her hands shaking slightly where they held onto mine. "W…what was your name?" I could tell that she hadn't thought this far behind us before, had never considered that I had other names. Other faces. I thought about stopping before she could think some more, but she took a step toward me.

"Please…" she added, eyes holding mine more securely than her hands did.

"Anthy," I told her quietly, "he started to call me that then."

"It's Greek?" she said wonderingly.

"Yes," I whispered. We stared at each other for a moment.

"What does it mean?" she said, and I sighed knowing that I couldn't say I didn't know. Not now.

"Flower," I said. She closed her eyes.

"Of course," she whispered. "It suits you."

"Yes," I agreed, "It does." She was silent for a moment. Then she opened her eyes and gazed at me imploringly.

"What else?" I looked down.

"The victor…I forget his name, had picked that dress out for me. We went into the garden…" My eyes went hazy, my memory turned inward. "…out by the fountain, under the fig tree." For some reason I remembered plants better than people. It had always been that way. Perhaps because I actually liked plants.

"There was a log there," I murmured, "an olive that had been uprooted but was yet to be dragged away. I don't know how that came to be…"

I closed my eyes and made myself go on.

"He said something about the dress. About how it made me look. I don't recall it exactly, it's not important. And then he told me to turn around. So I did. And then he pushed me down against the log and…"

"Stop!" Utena's voice was horrified, her breathing harsh.

I stopped but didn't look at her, fearing what I might see. Slowly she sank to her knees, dragging me down with her by her inextricable grip on my hands. I went. We knelt together and I heard that she was crying, soft pitiful sobs. I opened my eyes and looked at her. She was staring at me through her tears and oh, how her eyes reminded me of another time and place. A younger Utena gazing at a younger version of me.

"I'm sorry, Anthy," she sobbed, "I was wrong. I shouldn't make you…" Her tears came harder and she couldn't keep talking. I pulled my hands from her suddenly limp ones and reached forward to gather her into my arms; she sunk onto my lap instead. So I held her there and stroked her hair.

"It's okay," I told her calmly, "don't cry, Utena. It doesn't matter, none of that matters." What I was saying wasn't as important to me as getting her to stop crying. So I was shocked when she stopped suddenly, pushed herself into a kneeling position, and glared at me.

"It does matter!" she growled, knuckling fiercely at her eyes. "How can you say that?"

I said nothing, and she sighed, anger dying away in a heartbeat. Gently she retrieved one of my hands, and pressed it to her quivering lips. I watched her steadily. Watching me back she pressed my hand to her heart and held it there.

"Why is your hair up?" she said.

The look in her eyes (love, anger, grief) was strangely hypnotic. I found myself answering without really thinking about it.

"It helps me."

"How?" she said, and for a moment I wondered if she was using the power of Dios against me. But no…she wouldn't do that…

"I don't know." My breath hissed out in frustration at my inability to explain properly, at having to even bother to explain. "But it does. It's like… I feel more like…myself."

"You do?" She bit her lip.

"I do." I sighed. "Like I know what to do, and how to be. Like I used to feel."

"Like you used to feel?" she repeated blankly, and horror began to dawn in her eyes. "Y…you mean…when you were the rose bride?"

I closed my eyes against her disappointment.

"Yes."

"I…I don't know what to say." Her voice was raw and aching and when I looked at her I saw she'd closed her own eyes. She bought her other hand up to clutch mine to her heart with both of hers.

I looked down, stricken.

"I'm such a fool," she said suddenly, and with real bitterness. "All this time I thought it would be easy, that if I just got you away from that place, from _him_ , that if I just won a stupid duel…" Her shoulders slumped. "You could stop being the rose bride and that would be that."

Her hands let go of mine and reached to clutch at my cheeks instead.

"But it's not that simple, is it?" she whispered, and I saw then that she wasn't angry at me, but with herself.

"I'm sorry," I said. I started to cry, the sudden onslaught of tears not something I intended to do or knew how to stop.

"It's okay," she husked, pulling me forward and resting my head on her shoulder. "It's my fault, for not understanding. For presuming, like I always do. I'm sorry…"

"Stop that," I told her, voice choked with tears. "Nothing's your fault."

"It is," she corrected, and her hands trembled where she clutched me to herself. I was crying too hard to argue, and it took a long time for the tears to go away. When they did I was tired, and empty of the confusing feelings that plagued me. Blissfully empty in a way I hadn't been for a very long time. I sighed and curled myself up in Utena's arms, and she sighed too and held me closer.

Time passed.

Eventually ChuChu came to find us, peeping softly and climbing up Utena's jacket to fit himself neatly into her top pocket. She smiled weakly at him and sat up. I sat up too. She looked at the dress, grimaced, and shoved it away with her foot.

"Is there…" She looked at the vast clothing racks stretching out everywhere around us, "…any dresses in here that are…" She took a deep breath. "Okay?"

I knew what she meant.

"No," I said, and looked down ashamed.

"Well," she said, "maybe you'd better buy something off that shopping channel after all." I looked at her then, at her tentative smile. I wiped my face and tried a smile back. Leaning forward she kissed my forehead. I watched her rise and pick out a prince's outfit, and thought that I didn't like it when she cried, or the self-hatred I'd heard earlier in her voice. It was wrong for Utena to sound like that.

Potentially it could destroy her.

"Utena," I called, and she turned to me so quickly it revealed the hair trigger she was on.

"I think…" I wiped my cheeks again. "I want to let my hair down. W…will you help me?"

Her smile was like the sun, her eyes the color of a sky clearing after a storm.

"Or course!" she said. Then more subdued: "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said, "but not here. Let's go back to our room."

"Good idea." Utena turned back to the rack and snatched up the nearest uniform, clearly not caring which one it was. Immediately her eyes were back on me, glowing with happiness, and I considered how easy it was to make her happy. Unlike me, it seemed to be her natural state. No wonder she'd been friends with that strange Wakaba girl.

"Let's go," she said, grabbing my hand and twirling me around, once, twice. I went easily with the motion, well-accustomed to all styles of dance and to following my partner. But I still gaped at her, and she grinned back at me.

"We gotta practice," she told me reasonably. "I want to show you off properly. And impress everyone with all my fancy moves."

"Your…fancy moves?" I repeated faintly.

"Like this," she said, demonstrating by picking me up and twirling. I shrieked a little at the suddenness of it, then grinned back at the cat-that-ate-the-canary smugness on her face.

"Hold on," she whispered, coming to a halt and bending her head to kiss me. Her tongue teased at my bottom lip, slid wetly into my waiting mouth.

The room whirled around us. Roses, gently falling roses, decorated by their thorns. Water, the freshness of cleansing rain or tears, pearling on the roses. Metal, clean and sharp, leading the way of a victorious charge. Rose petals, that of the defeated enemy, drifting down all around. Not just a girl but a prince. A true prince, more desirable than a mere girl, and more than the old prince. A prince with a heart.

I opened my eyes, slightly dizzy from our kiss. Utena's arms tightened around my neck temporarily.

"I love the way you kiss me," she husked. "It feels like magic."

I smiled at her and pressed another quick kiss to her lips. We were sitting on our bed, and I turned so she could better access my hair.

"That's just the transition between the worlds," I said, "the power of Dios."

"No," she said, "I know what that feels like." She shrugged a bit. "It doesn't feel all that good actually, although it's better when we go together. But kissing you…"

She leaned forward and kissed my neck, very softly. Her hands went to my head and tugged lightly at the first pin.

"That," she whispered, "is a power all of its own."

I smiled, and felt a flicker of my own happiness. It was good to feel it again; I'd almost forgotten what it felt like.

"I love your hair," said Utena in her most dreamy voice, slowly removing another pin.

My smile broadened. Yes, definitely, she had a thing for my hair. Perhaps it was a power of its own too? Closing my eyes I enjoyed her gentle fingers, the give and take as each and every hairpin was removed. ChuChu sat in my lap and made his strange half-purring, half-dying sound. I gave him my finger and he chewed happily on that instead.

When my hair was finally down we slid under our covers and prepared to nap, for all that it was only the afternoon. We both needed it. Depositing ChuChu on his own pillow, I wrapped my body around Utena's, wanting to be as close as possible, only forestalled by her entwining her body around mine.

"Thank you," she whispered sleepily, rubbing my back.

"For what?" I whispered into her neck. She shivered against the sensation of my breath against her skin.

"Taking down your hair," she whispered, her voice starting to slur as she fell into sleep. "I know you only…did it…to please me…"

I gasped, but she was already asleep. And I was too tired to do more than let myself fall into the arms of sleep too.

Wrapped in Utena's arms.

TBC in Chapter 8 : A Distance Drear


	8. A Distance Drear

_Heaven's boundless arch I see_

_Spread out above me_

_O(h) what a distance drear(y) to one_

_Who loves me_

_~Goethe~_

* * *

Fittingly there was a storm gathering on the night of the ball. We were all crammed in the foyer peering out the floor-length windows at the too-dark sky, void of any stars or moon. It was roiling with tumbling clouds.

"My gown is going to get ruined," said Juri gloomily.

I understood her tone. The dress was stunning, a shimmering off-the-shoulder one-off, designed just for her. It was the same blue as Miki's hair, which made him her perfect escort. They stood arm in arm now, more striking still because they were of a similar height: Juri tall for a woman and Miki short for a man.

"The limo I ordered will pull right up to the door," said Miki. He fidgeted with his cufflinks. "It should be here already."

"At least it's not raining yet." Utena sounded cheerful but I sensed tension just beneath her smile. She was dressed as the prince, black and silver in place of the regular white with gold epaulets. Juri's eyes kept moving to her, to the way her jacket hugged her curves. I moved closer and wound my bare arm through Utena's. She smiled down at me.

"Have I told you that you look beautiful?"

I smiled back.

"No."

"Well you look like…hey, better than I have words for." She rubbed the back of her neck with her free hand. "Like a…"

"Vision," filled in Juri drily, clearly eavesdropping.

"A fever-dream of loveliness," said Miki sincerely. "Exactly like I always imagined Odette from Swan Lake would look."

I blinked. Juri and Utena goggled at him. A drop of sweat trickled down his forehead.

"Just saying," he muttered, wiping it away. I smiled at him.

"Thank you," I said, "but I've always felt more like Odile."

The door crashed open and Saionji Kyouichi charged into the room, his tuxedo a little worse for wear.

"There's going to be a storm!" he hissed, wiping his hair out of his eyes. "You can feel it in the air."

"Welcome Kyouichi," said Juri, arching an eyebrow at him. "So glad you could join us. Fifteen minutes late."

They glared at each other, then she clapped him on the shoulder and he gave a snort of laughter. Utena grinned and went over to admire his tux. I sank into a nearby chair and helped ChuChu climb into my handbag.

These people were very strange.

Miki drifted over to me and sat in the adjoining chair.

"Are you nervous?" he asked. "This is the f…first time you've seen _him_ since the duel at the hotel, right?" He rubbed sweaty hands on his trousers. "It's the first time I've seen Kozue."

I reached over and patted his arm gently.

"It will be okay."

"Will it?" he asked me, and placed his other hand on top of mine. I was reminded again of young Dios. How did men like Miki grow up yet retain the little boy inside? And how did men like Akio…not?

I was silent for a stretching moment.

"No," I said softly. "It probably won't be. But that's not the polite thing to say."

His jaw dropped. Then he smiled weakly and his hand tightened briefly over mine.

"You're a very unusual woman."

I smiled at him, conceding his point. Our arms drifted back to our respective chairs.

We sat companionably then, saying nothing, watching the playful interaction between Juri, Utena and Saionji.

"I hope Kozue's happy to see me," said Miki suddenly, quietly. "That she's missed me too. Sometimes…sometimes I feel like it's all just a game to her. That she's playing with me. But…it's not a game to me." He bit his lip.

"People who play games," I said, "usually want something."

"Yeah," he said raggedly. "I know."

I looked at him and wondered if he really did know. He was older now, presumably wiser. That was necessary; it was the way a human life developed. But sometimes it seemed like such a pity.

Like I'd once tried to tell Utena, thorns made a flower change into a rose.

"The limo's here!" she called from across the room, breaking into my maudlin thoughts. "Let's make a break for it."

Miki and I joined the others and we ran out the door as a boisterously laughing group. Rain was now spitting and the wind was howling, whipping my hair around my face so much I couldn't really see. I should have worn it up in some exotic style. But I'd wanted to please Utena, who really, was relatively easy to please. She didn't even ask for what she wanted most of the time.

So how could I deny her?

She was pulling me into the limo now, down beside her and much closer than was strictly necessary. Juri and Miki sat across from us, and Saionji was bending his massive frame almost double to climb in next to me.

His muscled thigh (accidentally?) brushed mine. I stared straight ahead and shifted my leg away, as subtly as possible. There was plenty of room. Did he have to sit that close?

"Onwards Jeeves!" called Miki to the chauffeur, then dissolved into boyish laughter. Utena slapped her knee she was giggling so hard. Juri glared at them but it kept edging up into a smile.

"You people are crazy to want to go to this thing," said Saionji, as the limo started to pull down the driveway. "The weather is an omen."

"Oh it is, is it?" said Juri. "Pray tell what brings you to that conclusion?"

"It's _his_ party," hissed Saionji. Miki nodded nervously but Juri rolled her eyes.

"Don't be ridiculous. Ohtori Akio is just a man. A very disturbing man to be sure, but a man all the same." She stroked the flowing material of her dress. "I should have got a corsage…"

"Here, I got you one." Miki was blushing as he pulled the white rose out of his inner pocket and removed its protective wrapping carefully.

"Miki-kun!" cried Juri happily, and I thought that her softer side suited her.

"Anthy-san helped me pick it out," he said, helping her clip it on. "It's from her greenhouse."

Juri looked across at me steadily.

"Thank you," she said, and if her voice wasn't exactly warm, well it wasn't cold either. "I'm so glad it's not orange."

I felt my skin heat, and was relieved nobody could possibly tell. But Utena was pulling my hand onto her lap, entwining our fingers and grinning at me. So maybe that wasn't really true.

"And for you Anthy-san," Miki went on, pulling out another rose, this one red. Utena helped me pin it on my gauzy white dress, thanking him profusely.

"I had to clip it from in the back," he said, "so you wouldn't see it was gone."

"Thank goodness you remembered," mumbled Utena. "I had no idea you're supposed to get these things."

"You don't have to necessarily," said Juri. "It's just a nice tradition. Besides in your case, perhaps Himemiya-san should be getting one for you."

I smiled smugly and ChuChu popped out my handbag, proudly presenting Utena with a white cultivar of a Baby Deer Lily. She gasped and took it with fingers that shook slightly.

"It's…beautiful." She examined the softly curling petals, noticing the tiny spots that gave it its name. She bent her head to smell it and I thought to myself she was prettier than any flower.

"It means she thinks you're sweet," Juri told Utena with a rather teasing grin. I arched my eyebrow at her and her grin grew wider. "What? I know my Japanese Flower Language. I am an Arisugawa."

"They're a really old and well-respected family," Saionji informed us at Utena's confused look. He folded his arms over his chest and looked sulky. "Like the Kiryuus."

"You are sweet," I told Utena and ignored the others to press a kiss to her flushed cheek.

"And I don't like roses," she murmured, ignoring them to turn to me. "Thank you, Anthy. I didn't even know you grew lilies." She bent her head and pressed her lips delicately to mine.

Saionji coughed aggrievedly and Utena pulled herself away.

I smiled at her, thinking that the difficulties involved in cultivating the bloom at this time of year had been more than worth it.

"Did you know," said Juri, no doubt wanting to distract Saionji who was glaring rudely at us, "that each different colored rose has its own meaning?"

"Really?" said Utena, interest clearly piqued. "I didn't know that…" She glanced quickly at me, a question in her eyes.

"Yes," said Juri, "it's all quite fascinating. A white rose means innocence." She fingered the petals of her corsage. "Or perhaps devotion."

"My rose was always white," said Utena, stating the obvious as she often did. "In the duels, I mean."

"Yes," said Juri drily. "And mine was orange. That likely means," her voice turned slightly acid, "hatred and revenge. And no doubt it also had something to do with…things that happened in the past."

"Oh?" said Saionji. "I thought it had to do with the color of your hair."

"My hair isn't orange!" hissed Juri. We all stared at her remarkably orange-looking hair.

"I'm a redhead!" she protested.

"Um," said Miki.

"Uh…yeah…" mumbled Utena.

"You're delusional," said Saionji. "My rose was green because of my hair."

"Actually," said Juri, glowering at him direly, "there is no official meaning for a green rose. Because they don't grow anywhere outside Ohtori, as far as I know." Her glare turned to me. "But I'm sure Himemiya-san knows."

I looked down at my lap.

"Stop it!" said Utena.

There was an awkward silence.

"I'm sorry," muttered Juri finally. "That was…uncalled for. This isn't the time for such a conversation."

"At least I'm not bored," said Saionji.

"What does a red rose mean?" asked Miki, looking at the rose he'd picked out for me. Juri cheered up considerably, smirking down at him.

"Love." He turned as red as his rose.

"It actually means that Touga is a true redhead and you're an orange-head," said Saionji. Miki grabbed Juri's arm to hold her back. If looks could kill…

"So you've got no corsage?" Utena asked Saionji, no doubt hoping to distract him.

"I've got nobody to give me one," he said rather mournfully and to my surprise his eyes slanted down at me. I looked away uncomfortably.

Green roses meant thwarted desire…

The limo was pulling up outside a mansion the size of a palace. We all stared out the windows through the rain. It was coming down lightly now, but thunder in the distance rumbled a warning that this would soon change. Seconds later and lightning flashed, illuminating the long flight of marble stairs. Each individual step hosted a set of leering dragon statuettes, facing each other off. They looked freakishly lifelike, almost like they'd leap at each other's throats at any moment.

And tear them out.

"Creepy," muttered Utena. "What is this place?"

"Probably Akio-san's idea of a cozy investment property," said Juri. "God, he must be as rich as sin."

"Those statues are cool," said Saionji.

"They're ugly and tasteless," said Juri.

"You're ugly and tasteless," retorted Saionji then howled as she slapped him. I pressed my back into the seat worried about their fighting, before I realized they were grinning at each other. They were…joking around?

I didn't understand these people.

Meanwhile the glass division between us and the driver's seat had rolled down and the chauffeur turned to look at us. We couldn't see his features in the shadow of his hat - only icy blue eyes.

"Won't you go inside?" he purred looking right at me. "He's waiting for you, Kitsune."

I gasped and flung myself away, onto the other seat.

"You!" yelled Utena, and made a dive at him. But he was gone, flinging open the driver's door and escaping into the rain. Utena made a move to spring out the car but Juri grabbed her and hauled her back, helped in part by Saionji.

"We stay together," hissed Juri. "We all agreed. That's mandatory."

"Who was that?" asked Miki nervously. "And why did he call Anthy-san a spirit fox?"

They all stared at me. I looked down. My hands were shaking in my lap.

"Just a creep who…" began Utena, but I cut her off.

"A face from the past," I said, making myself look up. "An old duelist."

Now everyone was really staring at me, and I could smell the first hints of fear.

"Oh my God," said Utena, "we have to get out of here."

"Don't be hasty," warned Juri. "He's trying to scare us. Or…" She gazed assessingly at me. "He wants to scare Himemiya-san."

Miki leaned over and took my hand in a protective gesture.

"What should we do?" He gazed anxiously at me, and then over to Juri.

"We should go inside and get very drunk," said Saionji blandly. "That solves most problems."

"Be serious," said Juri. He gave an exasperated sigh.

"Okay then, we should go inside and confront the bastard. We've come this far. The plan is to talk Kaoru-kun and that awful Takatsuki girl into coming back with us right?"

It was Juri's turn to glare.

"So let's go and talk to them," continued Saionji. "Sitting here acting like girls isn't achieving anything."

"Don't call us girls!" yelled Utena and Juri in tandem.

"You know what I mean," said Saionji. He glanced at me then, the same longing in his eyes as earlier in the night. This time I stared back, and he finally looked away.

"It's a stupid plan," he mumbled and looked at Utena. "I bet you came up with it."

"Shut up," she said. "It's better than sitting around and doing nothing, not even joining our agency."

I gathered with mild surprise that Saionji had been invited to do so at some stage. Utena hadn't told me that…

He was frowning now, staring at his feet and electing not to answer the accusation.

"We should go inside," said Juri. "And stick together." She glanced around at us all sternly. "We all agree, right? We're staying together no matter what."

"Yes," said Miki. "That's the most logical course of action."

"Okay," said Utena, stretching out a hand to help me up. "Let's do this."

"Fine," muttered Saionji.

Juri looked at me and I realized she wanted actual spoken assent.

"Yes," I said. Being alone at Akio's ball sounded like sheer stupidity to me. I was rather relieved that Utena had Juri and Miki to help her refine her plans. If it had been only us two Utena would have been out there fighting in the storm, and I would've been alone in the car, probably about to be kidnapped.

Yes, I was beginning to see the value of knights in the prince's court…

We made a run for it, sprinting through the light rain and up the many stairs. Reaching the covered porch our group hesitated en masse, smoothing out the damp patches on our clothing and hair, and peering into the massive entryway. The doors (as big as those at the Castle of Eternity) were pushed open all the way, and a butler-type figure stood ready to make introductions.

There was actually a red carpet (which even I thought was a bit over the top), leading into a ballroom that put the one at our communal home to shame. Festively attired party-goers danced (to classical music and a mini orchestra), gossiped together, drank heavily, and ate from the overflowing food tables. Strangely I didn't recognize a one of them. So far.

At Juri's signal we stepped inside.

"And who shall I say has arrived?" asked the butler snottily.

"Count Dracula," said Saionji, "and four of his minions." Then he fell over roaring with laughter at his own bad joke. Juri glared at him and glanced at Utena enquiringly.

"Uh," said Utena, "say that Tenjou Utena has arrived." She took a deep breath, and stepped closer to me, winding her arm protectively around my shoulders. "With Himemiya Anthy." She glanced over at the others, where Juri and Miki were now hauling a still chortling Saionji to his feet. "We're on the official invitation list with Arisugawa Juri and Kaoru Miki. Plus we've bought a guest, er, Saionji Kyouichi."

"Very good," said the servant with a polite bow. "I was informed of your arrival Tenjou-san, and issued with orders that you should be given anything you asked for." For some reason he looked at me then. "Within reason."

Utena and I stared at him.

"Uh sure," she said. "That's…great. Um…"

"We don't need anything," I filled in for her. "We'll just go and sit down."

"By the alcohol," put in Saionji. "I assume you have plenty of booze."

"You assume rightly, Sir," said the servant politely. "Why don't you try that table right over there, with the wines and cheeses. I personally recommend the Romanée Conti, from France."

Juri made an appreciative noise.

"I prefer sake," said Saionji.

"Of course, Sir," said the servant and I detected the slightest sneer in his perfectly correct tones. "There's sake there too. And punch."

"Oho punch!" Saionji rubbed his hands together.

"I'll announce you now," said the servant.

"No, no, that's not necessary," said Juri, "we'll just go in."

"It's highly unorthodox."

"Yes," Juri agreed, and Utena and I stared as she gracefully retrieved a note from her handbag and pressed it into the butler's waiting hand. Regally she breezed past him, and we all followed in her wake.

When we got to the wine table Saionji charged, piling cheeses up high on his plate and grabbing an entire bottle of sake.

"You bribed him," Utena accused Juri. Then: "Ooh, is that goat cheese? My favorite!"

"It was very smooth," Miki told Juri admiringly. He was examining a bottle of red wine. Juri plucked it off him, and then stole the glass of punch Utena had just poured herself.

"It will hardly serve our purposes to get drunk," she said.

We all looked at Saionji, who was actually chugging his sake.

"Tell me again," said Juri, "why we brought him?"

"Backup," said Miki. He shook his head admonishingly. "He hasn't changed much."

"He has too," said Utena loyally, drawing surprised looks from her cohorts. "I dunno why he's like this right now…he's probably upset about something."

"Someone," suggested Miki and I followed his eyes to where a tall and handsome man was swaggering over to Saionji, the crowd parting around him like he was Moses and they were the red sea.

Kiryuu Touga in all his glory.

I sighed. How unsurprising and unpleasant. Of course Touga was here. I glanced around the room but couldn't see the others yet. But of course they would be here: Shiori, Kozue, Akio himself. Awaiting their opportunities. Playing their predesigned moves. Stepping out on their cues into this horror play.

"Should we rescue him?" wondered Miki.

"I don't really wanna talk to Touga-san," muttered Utena. She moved restlessly by my side. I slid my arm around her waist, and leaned against her warmth. She sighed and relaxed against me.

"Right. Let's go and sit down then," said Juri. She gestured toward a hidden alcove, all silkily-pillowed lounges, made private by a velvet curtain. "We'll be able to keep an eye on Kyouichi from there."

Seating ourselves in the alcove we crowd-watched. Utena and I sat together on one lounge, leaning against each other. Juri and Miki sat together on another. We hadn't been there 5 minutes when the lights dimmed and the violins began to keen Tchaikovsky's famous _None But The Lonely Heart_.

Couples slowed on the dance floor, and wrapped their arms more tightly around each other. Brightly coloured couples drifted by our alcove on the cloud of music. I shifted uncomfortably in place.

"It's so beautiful," sighed Miki, closing his eyes. "I love this song."

"You should play it," said Juri. "I'd love to hear you play…something like this." Something that wasn't _The Sunlit Garden_ she meant.

Utena's arm went around me and she sighed too.

"It is real pretty. But way too sad. What do you think, Anthy?"

"I hate it," I spat.

They all stared at me aghast. I hadn't meant for my tone to be quite so harsh.

"You don't…hate a lot of things," said Utena tentatively.

"You don't know her very well," rejoined Akio, slipping inside the curtain. Before the others could even react he seated himself beside me and took my free hand in his.

"Do you like the party?" he asked us jovially.

For a moment it was surreal: like he was the chairman of their school again and they were his students. Perfectly normal for him to be sitting with us, perfectly normal for a brother to companionably take the hand of his sister. That, combined with the song and the last time I'd heard it (a ball just like this one) made me nauseous.

"Net, tol'ko tot, kto znal svidan'ja, zhazhdu," Akio purred to me, and feeling even sicker I pulled my hand away. He let me, crossing his legs instead with a grace that would look good on a woman.

"What the hell?!" said Utena, voice rising as she got over her shock and rose threateningly to her feet. I tugged her back down. Juri and Miki didn't move but I could see them both tensing in place ready to spring up at a moment's notice.

"Don't be like that," Akio told them, voice rich with hidden amusement. "Surely we can make polite conversation. I asked you here to have a good time."

"Oh is that why you asked us?" said Juri. Akio smirked at her, clearly appreciating her sarcasm. That was just like him. He'd always liked to play. He liked it when the toys played back, thinking (mistakenly) they had a chance. It made the game so much more interesting. And after centuries upon centuries of playing…interesting was very welcome.

He hated to be bored.

Now he gestured to a waiter and a platter of wine was bought to our alcove. Taking a glass for himself Akio waved invitingly at us. There were no takers. Yet he had established himself as the host, the one in control.

I felt light-headed at his proximity, at the heat of his body so close to mine, and after such a long time apart. I'd seen him since leaving Ohtori of course, on three separate (terrifying) occasions with Utena. But I hadn't sat next to him. I hadn't smelled his distinctive scent, dark and crisp and tantalizing. I hadn't felt his hand holding mine, however briefly.

It was different.

"What did you say to Anthy?" growled Utena.

Akio smiled at her patronizingly, and twirled the wine in his glass. Leisurely he turned his dazzling smile on me.

"I said…" His voice deepened and mellowed. (It was amazing the things he could do with his voice.) "None but the lonely heart…" He took my hand again with his free one. "Can know my sadness."

I pulled my hand back.

"That's beautiful," said Miki, but seriously, like a student making an observation for a report. "What comes next?"

Akio smiled.

"Ask Anthy." He shrugged. "She knows it better than I do."

"Stop it," warned Utena. "You're tormenting her."

"It's what he does," said Juri. She snorted derisively. "He gets off on it."

Akio only smiled at her, smiled and sipped his wine. But when he spoke his voice was steel.

"Have a care, little girl," he told her, then licked the rim of his glass.

She looked like she might retort then reigned herself back. I saw that she was paler than usual.

"Why did you invite us?" asked Utena, clutching my hand so tightly I winced. But I didn't pull away from her; I welcomed the reminder that she was touching me.

"Because I wanted to see Anthy," said Akio sadly, and we all stared at him, not knowing what to think. There was such a marked change in his demeanor and all in the slightest shift of moments. He took my hand for the third time that night.

"I miss you," he told me. Our eyes met. His were more like Dios' then I could remember for the longest time.

I pulled my hand away yet again, feeling oddly like Judas.

"Alone and parted," Akio whispered, then sadly sipped his wine.

I stared at him, at his achingly familiar profile and didn't know what to think. What to feel. Time had stopped, gone backwards, was irrelevant, was supremely important. Utena's fingers dug into mine, grounding me. Akio's hand rested inches from my own on crushed red velvet. His fingers were long and clever. I could picture how it would look if those fingers moved ever so slightly and rested on my thigh. I could remember how it felt. I remembered him.

I'd been trying so hard to forget.

The music came to a stop. Couples disentangled themselves on the dance floor. The strange mood broke. Akio stood and gave a mocking bow.

"Do excuse me, I'll leave you now to enjoy my party. No doubt we'll meet again before the night is done." He smiled as though he relished the notion, then disappeared into the crowd.

Tense silence.

"Well, that was weird." Juri arched an eyebrow at me. "He seems to want you."

"That's not weird," argued Miki. "They're brother and sister!"

Juri looked at him with something like pity in her eyes.

"You don't understand," he argued. "You don't even talk to your sister."

Juri's mouth set in a grim line.

"Are you okay?" Utena asked me, and I was suddenly sick of her asking that. I was sick of being the cause of her worry.

"I want to leave," I said, lifting my eyes to hers and deliberately showing her the uncertainty I'd felt at the touch of Akio's hand, the muted fear. Her eyes widened and her hands came up to clutch at my upper arms.

"We can't go!" argued Miki. "We've got to rescue Kozue."

Juri shook her head at him.

"If Himemiya-san wants to go…" She looked at him sternly. "…I don't think staying is a very good idea. Do you?"

"I'm staying," he said stubbornly, pulling away from her when she tried to put her hand on his shoulder. "I'm finding Kozue and I'm going to get her out of here." Leaping to his feet he ran out the room before any of us could stop him. Juri groaned and got up too.

"I'll go find him," she said shortly, and strode out.

"So much for staying together," muttered Utena. Her hands slid around to my back and she crushed me against her chest. "Shall we go?"

I held her as tightly as I could, thinking very hard. I could hear the strain in her breathing, and in my own. I'd been frozen before, but now my heart was pounding painfully in my chest. I tried to calm myself, to calm down and think clearly. Long moments passed in each others arms.

Finally I released Utena and let out the breath I'd been holding unconsciously.

"We have to stay," I said. I looked at her, knowing that if it was only me I'd be out the door in a second. But it was Utena. If I let her make this choice for me, to protect me at the expense of her friends…she wouldn't be the prince she really was. She'd be a corrupted version of it, my version to be sure, but not what was worthy of her.

It had been a moment of weakness to even ask.

So we had to stay, at least until we could help Juri talk Miki into leaving. And until we had retrieved Saionji from Touga's clutches. I sighed. Thinking about others was so complicated.

"Are you sure?" Utena looked like she didn't know whether to be relieved or more worried.

I nodded.

"Don't you dare leave my side," she warned. She gazed at me searchingly before taking my face in her hands and kissing me. It was a chaste kiss, the kind we might have shared before she understood her own heart on that hotel rooftop. It was the kind that always made me want her more.

"I won't," I whispered, and I took the arm she offered, pressing myself close enough to feel the soft material and hard epaulets of her prince's jacket.

Utena squared her shoulders.

"Let's go find the others."

We stepped out from behind the curtain.

TBC in Chapter 9: These Loves which Can't be Named  



	9. These Loves which Can't be Named

_The grave is still the best shelter against the storms of destiny._

_~Georg Christoph Lichtenberg~_

* * *

We were dancing because it was the best way to move across the crowded dance floor, looking for Utena's friends, looking for anyone we knew. Normally I would have welcomed the opportunity to sway and spin in Utena's arms. But now I only wanted to leave. I rested my head on her shoulder and tried not to think about that. Instead I watched the crowd intently, watched while apparently dancing.

"This is nice," whispered Utena, her hands smoothing at my hips, then sliding up and over my back. "I like dancing with you."

I kissed her shoulder lightly before resting my head back on it.

"Are you getting distracted?" I asked her.

"No," she mumbled, pressing a kiss to my head then burying her face in my hair. "Mmm Anthy, you smell so good."

"You're distracted," I said. "We're supposed to be finding people."

"What people?" she mumbled back, embrace tightening. "There's only you."

I smiled to myself. Then frowned as I caught sight of a dancer I recognized. Chida Tokiko. She wore a long black dress with a slit that went all the way up her thigh. She danced with a man with candy-cotton hair, nobody that I knew. He slid her backward in a romantic gesture and she dipped her head back gracefully. And looked me right in the eye.

"It's Chida-san," I whispered to Utena. "She's seen us."

"Huh?" Utena sounded like she was just waking up. "What?" She twirled me around and stared at Tokiko. "Damn."

I shared her sentiment.

"What do you think she's doing here?" asked Utena beginning to steer us in their direction. "Does it mean she's working with Akio-san?"

"I don't know," I said. "I…don't know."

"It will be okay," Utena told me, arms tightening again. There must have been something in my voice. Suddenly, strangely, I caught sight of my own murky reflection in her silver epaulets. I stared. Stared into the fey green eyes that said they knew your secrets.

But I didn't know anything anymore. I'd lost all that…left it far behind. When I'd followed a girl-prince who couldn't exist and didn't know what she was talking about, I'd lost my version of reality. Utena had seemed to make up answers that were impossible, and I didn't know what would happen, what could happen.

Maybe that was what real life was like for ordinary people?

Tokiko was dancing away with the pink-haired man, out of our reach, disappearing into the crowd. Lightning flickered constantly outside the massive windows; the rain was beating against them hard. The storm was upon us now, roaring outside. There was a lull in the music. Thunder clapped. Chandeliers flickered in time with a lightning strike so bright as to illuminate the sky for a timeless instant. Then it was over. The crowd oohed appreciatively; I heard nervous laughter. My arms went around Utena's neck and I buried my face in her chest.

"It will be okay," she repeated, and I don't know which of us she was trying to reassure. The cellos were playing a solo now, their deep and haunting voices like rough yet powdered hands sliding over my thighs, then parting them. I saw a man stop dancing nearby and force his partner down, force her to her knees. I shuddered and stared. Lightning flashed again, glinting blindingly off Utena's epaulets. I reared back with a sharp cry, putting my arm over my eyes. Utena reached for me, her hands catching at my torso on either side of my breasts. She drew me up, keeping me in a standing position. I looked past her, looked for the man with the woman at his feet.

He wasn't there.

"Anthy!" Utena drew me back in, held me close against her body. She put her lips against my cheek and spoke softly. "Stay with me." Neither of us knew why she said it. Her fingers were chill against the bare skin of my back.

A woman screamed. We both whirled, and stared along with the rest of the erstwhile daces as a gap parted in the crowd, revealing her huddled on the floor, sobbing. A tall man stood over her, fist raised brutally.

"No!" gasped Utena at the same instant as I recognized Sonoda Keiko, a face I'd never thought to see again.

"Stop it!" yelled Utena, and she leapt through the gap, charging at Keiko's aggressor without a second thought.

It was a princely thing to do.

It was a stupid thing to do.

The gap in the crowd parted, and as I started forward vice-like fingers closed over my arm and yanked me back.

"Himemiya-san," purred Kaoru Kozue, "well aren't you just as pretty as a flower? Time to dance." Her arms twined round me like thorns, and I pulled away desperately. She grabbed me by the front of my dress, which promptly tore, sending me reeling backwards to huddle at her feet. Her giggling was laced with menace.

"Don't worry," she said, "you'll get your precious prince back in a second. After she's been too late to save the princess." She sighed theatrically. "So many princesses, and so little point in saving them." She pouted at me like a little girl. "Do you think if I ask nicely Utena-sama might have a go at saving me?"

I looked at her blankly. Inside I was seething; I was thinking about peeling her skin from her bones. Outside I did nothing, said nothing, showed nothing.

"I see we understand each other," said Kozue, and I thought she just might. "Miki-kun invited me to tea," she continued complacently, "and I expect I'll come. Maybe you and I can take a car ride afterward."

I rose to my feet, ignoring her lascivious gaze, ignoring the way her hand immediately clamped on my wrist.

"Don't go anywhere," she purred. "Orders are to let Utena-sama come to us. She does love a good rescue."

I looked at her steadily, this time making no attempt to pull away.

"Whose orders?" I asked.

"You know whose." Her eyes darkened with hate. I remembered the charged look between us when I caught her kissing Miki's sleeping head in the music room, all those years ago. I'd taunted her then with my front of innocent confusion. In a way this was justice, and in another way I didn't care about justice. She was nothing but Akio's second-rate tool, not important enough to know the least of his plans. Not important enough to hold me here against my will.

"Let go," I said so softly she had to lean forward to hear me.

She laughed derisively and her grip tightened. I smiled at her in turn.

"You might play at rose bride," I said. "But I'm playing with Mickey."

It was the first time I'd ever used his nickname. I relished the way her eyes widened, the blood that pearled on her lip as she bit it. I relished the way she lost control, slapping me as hard as she could. I flew back, but this time Utena was there to catch me, rushing out of the crowd to gather me into her arms. I let her help me to my feet but my attention was on Kozue.

And her attention was on me.

"Bitch," she said. I just gazed calmly at her. She stared back, then laughed a little and gave a mocking curtsy.

"I'll see you at the tea-party." She flounced away.

"What tea-party?" hissed Utena, touching my bruising cheek tentatively. "God, Anthy, I'm so sorry…I was so stupid to leave you and…" She goggled. "What happened to your dress?!"

"It's alright," I told her. "I'm alright." I let her help me into her jacket and button it up, knowing it would be useless to try and stop her giving it to me. Her red tanktop (she still had that thing?) fit her snugly and I rubbed my hands over the soft material. Soothing.

"Sonoda-san?" I asked.

"Hurt," said Utena, and her voice shook. "The guy hit her before I could get there, Anthy, hit her really hard. I think he broke her nose – she was unconscious." She closed her eyes for a moment and stood there uncertainly.

I took her hand and led her away from the dancing, and sat her down on a bench half-hidden behind a marble column.

"What did you do?" I asked, sitting close and slipping my hands up under her top to stroke at her skin. I wanted her to feel me, and I needed to feel her close.

"I punched his lights out," mumbled Utena, "and then these servants came and took them both away on str…stretches! So crazy…"

"I think it was staged," I said. My fingers had found her scar and were playing with it.

"Damn it," whispered Utena. "We should have left when you said."

"We can't leave yet," I reminded her. "Not without the others."

"It's not like my playing prince is helping anyone," she said dejectedly, reaching out a gentle hand to cup my cheek around the bruising.

"That's what he wants you to think," I told her. I sighed and my own fingers stilled. "But I still don't know why he really invited us."

Utena stared at me.

"We know the bait, we know the trap," I murmured, gazing sightlessly over her shoulder. "We don't know who's the mouse, or when the trap will spring shut."

"That's it!" Utena was up and tugging me up with her. "I'm getting you out of here. I just don't care anymore, the others will have to find their own way out."

She started marching down the columned hall and I followed the tug of her hand uncertainly, rather ashamed at the easing in my gut.

"Why?" I thought to ask.

"You're the mouse," she muttered. I gave a soft cry and she whirled around and pushed me up against the wall. Her hands gripped my shoulders, and her eyes were stormy.

"Damn it, Anthy, don't you see? He's been on the phone with you. He quotes stupid foreign songs and does all sorts of things to get us away from you, to get _me_ away from you…" Her voice cracked and then rose desperately.

"Everything that's been happening at home has meant something to you, something dark and horrible that I don't understand, and you never tell me! But I know, don't you think I know?! He's got you pinning up your hair, and being so much like you used to be, and your nightmares are getting worse, you're sleepwalking again – I thought you were past that, and then there's those creepy hounds trying to hunt you and that black rose bride who tried to kill you…"

She was getting hysterical. I put my hands on her chest and pushed, not enough to hurt her, just enough to free myself from her now-painful grip. She stumbled back a little, blinking back tears. I went to her immediately, gathering her into my arms and pressing a kiss to her collarbone.

"Utena," I whispered into the silence between us. "You're right. I didn't realize how right until now."

"I hate being right," she mumbled, and started to cry. I did my best to soothe her, leaning her up against the wall and pressing myself to her chest. I stroked her hair, and kissed away her tears as they fell, and all the while thought about what we were going to do.

Because being right didn't guarantee a good plan.

"I don't get it," she finally mumbled, sniffling and wiping at her face. I handed her the handkerchief from the jacket I was now wearing, oddly touched to see that it was just like the one she'd given me so long ago, monogrammed with her initials. I still had that handkerchief. It was one of ChuChu's favorite capes.

"Don't get what?" I asked, licking up a stray tear on her chin. She sniffed and gave me a watery smile.

"Why he was after me all that time before the Duel Called Couronnement, but now he's after you." I stared at her.

"I mean, he wanted you then too," she murmured, "but what he really seemed to want was the power. And he thought I had it."

"You did," I pointed out reasonably. "You do."

"Yeah," she said, "for all the good it's doing. But Anthy, I gave him Dios."

"You keep saying that," I said.

"Because it should mean something!" Utena's voice was frustrated, overflowing with an almost righteous fervor. "He should be more like Dios now, more like a proper prince! But he's still evil! And crazy! And a pain in my neck!"

She'd lost her temper. I sighed.

"It's not that simple."

"It should be!"

"It can't be." I looked down. Suddenly her fingers were running through my hair, her face was buried in my neck. I felt her lips moving, caressing; my head arched back, and I tried to catch myself, catch my reactions. We were in public. More than that we were in danger.

"He can't have you," she almost pleaded, and I could tell she was on the verge of collapsing back into tears.

"Shh," I told her. "Shh." I stroked her hair, and kissed her lips, pouring my love for her into the gesture. She quieted, her focus shifting to kissing me back. Her hands fiddled with intent at my jacket's buttons but I stopped her gently.

"Let's go back to the alcove," I said. "Arisugawa-san and Miki-san will know to look for us there. And we can keep an eye out for Saionji-san too."

Utena gazed at me for a charged moment and I could see her thinking about throwing me over her shoulder and sprinting out into the storm. But the impulse died and she took my hand instead. We headed to the alcove.

Inside it we found Juri, staring down at Takatsuki Shiori who was kneeling before her. The disturbing thing was how Shiori was dressed. Heavy white makeup, truly elaborate hair-styling, and brightly patterned violet kimono complete with extravagantly orange obi.

"I didn't know it was fancy dress," muttered Utena incredulously. "You look like a geisha!"

"A maiko," corrected Juri and I simultaneously. We glanced at each other and I saw the Juri's eyes were strained with the pain she normally suppressed.

"An apprentice geisha," I explained to a bemused Utena as she plopped down beside Juri, drawing me down beside her.

"Why?" Utena wanted to know, which I think was the question foremost on everyone's minds. Shiori gazed up at us from her kneeling position and I saw her hands were resting on Juri's knees.

"I have a lot to learn still," said Shiori, and gone was the giggling girl who'd visited us only days before. "Now that Akio-sama has started the Ohtori Okiya."

I tensed. Utena looked confused.

"A Geisha House," filled in Juri gloomily. "Apparently he resigned from Ohtori Academy to take up this new venture. Ohtori Kanae-san's father recovered enough not to need an assistant."

I studied my nails. It was about time he recovered. I'd stopped visiting him years ago.

"Kanae-san…" muttered Utena. Her head came up and she stared semi-accusingly at Shiori. "Whatever happened to her?!"

"I don't know," murmured the would-be maiko. "But she's not married to him."

 _She's in a home_ , I thought to myself. _For little girls who stupidly take apples from strangers…_ I said nothing. I'd never liked Ohtori Kanae. I'd never liked any of my brother's would-be brides. I felt my eyes turn to Shiori's chalk-white face and linger.

"Oh that's too bad," said Utena, but she sounded half-guilty as she said it.

"Shiori has come here," said Juri in voice so brittle one wondered when she'd fall apart, "to ask me to be her patron." She sighed. "I don't know how you can be so brazen," she told Shiori, and she sighed again.

"You'd be perfect," said Shiori and her voice was pleading. "Oh Juri-san…I know there's been…tensions between us, but we _are_ childhood friends. That doesn't go away. And you're…wealthy, I wouldn't ask if you weren't. I have…" Her lip trembled. "…Nobody else to ask."

"You want this?" Utena asked incredulously. "Are you crazy?!"

"Geisha are special," said Shiori stubbornly and an almost fanatical light entered her eyes. "There are only a few thousand left in Japan." She blinked up at us appealingly, the vulnerable birdlike quality she'd always had heightened by the heavy makeup. "Geisha know secret arts, they're admired and respected and loved, they take part in the flower and willow world that so many never see! Yes, I want that. Of course I want it."

"You've always wanted to be special," said Juri, head hanging dejectedly. She wouldn't look at any of us. "You've never been able to see…just how special you already are."

"Juri-san," whispered Shiori and her hands tensed on Juri's knees, then crept up her thighs. "Oh Juri-san…if you truly think so…then be my patron. It's the p…perfect relationship for us to have."

"Yes," said Juri bitterly. "I suppose it is."

"Now hang on just a second," said Utena, putting a tentative hand on Juri's slumped shoulder. "You're not buying into this are you? Juri? It's a trap! Akio-san must be starting the dueling game again…we can't support that!"

"I know that," said Juri turning anguished eyes on Utena. "Don't you think I know that?" She stared down at Shiori who was waiting patiently, eagerness shining in her eyes.

 _Enjoying the melodrama_ , I thought distastefully. _Playing with the puppet on its string. She won't make much of a geisha if she doesn't learn to hide that._

"They're rose brides," argued Utena, "we saw that on the hotel rooftop. Right Takatsuki-san?" She glared down at Shiori.

"A rose by any other name," said Shiori. And her makeup split a little as she giggled. Yes, she had a long way to go.

"What's the point of it?" insisted Utena, grabbing one of Shiori's hands off Juri's leg and leaning in close. "Don't be stupid, come back with us. You don't need these kind of games, or to be someone's slave."

"I'm not stupid," said Shiori, yanking her hand away. "If anyone's stupid it's you. Thinking you're not part of Akio-sama's wondrous world anymore, when the very best thing that any subject can do is be loyal to their king."

We all goggled at her.

"Yes, stupid!" hissed Shiori. "And ungrateful too! You could have been a beautiful princess, living with your prince in his castle, happy for ever after. Instead you're shacking up with…" She favored me with a look of such open hostility I actually leaned back. "That."

Utena gasped, taken aback. Her fingers slipped protectively through mine.

"You little fool," said Juri coldly, suddenly pushing Shiori's hand off her lap, pushing her away. "Believing the lies of powerful men, just because you want someone to want you."

 _I want you_ , cried her wounded angry eyes, and I think Shiori knew that. Despite Juri's harsh words she smiled up at her like the cat that ate the cream and slipped her hand back onto Juri's knee.

"Be my patron," she begged softly. "Just so we'll stay in each other's lives. Friends shouldn't be apart too long. And it's been years…"

Juri folded her arms over her chest and I saw her fingers digging into her own arm. She was tempted I could tell; it really was the perfect temptation. A relationship above reproach, protected by time-honored conventions. Innocent intimacy. A way to be one of the most important people in Shiori's life, 100% guaranteed. A way to protect her, to help her, no matter that Shiori was the one throwing herself in harm's way.

A way to have Shiori's hands resting on her knees without anyone pointing a finger, without Shiori herself pulling away in horrified indignation.

"Alright," Juri said, and then she bowed her head. When I looked at her she seemed smaller, older, less. If I'd drawn her heart-sword it would have been tarnished.

"No…" whispered Utena.

"Thank you," cried Shiori, tears beginning to leak down her face, tracking through the makeup. "Oh Juri-san. Thank you so much!"

"Don't thank me," muttered Juri. "Please don't thank me."

 _And so it begins,_ I thought to myself. _And so it will end._

The curtain pushed aside and Miki walked slowly in, hand in hand with Kozue. She was still wearing her indecently tight blue dress: not a kimono, but it didn't matter. The past was unraveling in front of me now and stitching itself into a likely future. The colored skeins of Fate's loom showed Kozue as a maiko too, eventually a geisha, while Miki sat at high-class banquets, watching her pour tea for other men. Watching what he couldn't have, didn't really want to have, and then partaking of it anyway, just by having her pour tea for him. Having their hands brush, hearing her arch words whispered in his red-tinged ear.

_All this unrequited desire: these loves that could not, would not be named._

And Utena terribly tense at my side, hand clutching mine while she bit her lip in obvious agony. If it was her facing down this temptation there would be naming, and truth-telling, and bursting through the shell at any cost, every cost. But Juri and Miki weren't Utena. And she didn't understand them like I did.

Didn't know what it was like to be Juri: loving past the point of reason, and never being loved in return.

Didn't know what it was like to be Miki: bound forever to your other half, never able to stand alone.

"Kozue's going to train to be a geisha," said Miki miserably, "she won't let me talk her out of it."

"You don't really want to talk me out of it," purred Kozue, leaning against his back. "You've always been a romantic: you love the flower and willow world." He flushed.

"Don't be silly! I still don't want my sister to be a geisha!"

"Why not," she husked, breathing lightly against his neck. "It's a perfectly respectable profession. Unlike what I was doing before."

"What?!" Face bright red he whirled to grab her hands. "What were you doing?!"

"Trust me," she said, lightly dancing back, making a token attempt at pulling her hands from his. Naturally they stayed joined. "You really don't want to know."

"You guys can't do this!" cried Utena, glaring first at Miki then at Juri. Her hand trembled in mine. "Don't be crazy! We didn't come here for this!"

"I don't think," sighed Juri, "that we have a lot of choice."

"There's always choice!" hissed Utena. "Always!"

"I'm not choosing it," cried Miki, staring at his sister sadly. "Kozue won't listen to me."

"Shiori had already chosen," said Juri.

"That is so." The curtain drew back all the way as though by invisible hands, and in stepped Akio, clearly waiting for his moment and right on cue.

"My lovely brides will shine like stars at Ohtori Okiya, and tonight is their grand introduction." He smiled at Utena, but to me it looked more like he bared his teeth.

"The first party of many, and perhaps next time they will have learned enough to perform for my guests." He smoothed his tie with long clever fingers. "Of course you all are most welcome to attend. There will be many geisha here soon enough, many flowers in my garden." His hands spread expansively. "A bloom for everyone."

We all stared at him. I half-expected Utena to spring up and challenge him but she didn't. She was frozen beside me now, head bowed, fingers icy in mine. I turned to her and saw an expression that wasn't often on her face: despair. My own heart turned cold.

"The one thing I wish above all," purred Akio, "is that you would help me, Anthy. After all, this is the new Ohtori family business." We stared at each other, he all smiles and I utter blankness.

"You would be the perfect Onee-san to shape these new buds."

"No, Onii-sama," I said stonily. He shook his head admonishingly at me, mocking smile intact.

"Oh, but yes you would. My little oiran* knows the world of geisha well."

"I've forgotten," I said.

"No you haven't."

"Yes. She. Has," grated Utena, head still bowed.

"Well…if you're sure about that." Akio smirked. "I suppose you would know."

"Let's go," snarled Utena, dragging me up with her, reaching for the uncharacteristically silent Juri to drag her up too. Utena's head came up then and she glared at Akio with such hate I was reminded of the swords.

"This has been the worst party ever," she growled. He looked very happy to hear it.

We left, with her shouting behind for Miki to hurry up.

"I'll see you soon," I heard him reassure Kozue before he trailed after us.

"Goodbye!" called Akio, stepping outside the curtain and waving enthusiastically. "Do come again. And Anthy, remember there's always a place for you here." His voice hardened imperceptibly. "At my side."

Under his foot, he meant. I was beginning to think that Dios possessing him had been some kind of illusion. There was no Dios here. The only one who evidenced Dios was Utena.

As we headed for the door the storm grew worse, practically drowning out the music. We passed Saionji having a shouting match with Touga, indiscernible over the crackling of thunder. Utena let go of Juri but kept a firm grip on my hand. I put up with it patiently. Goodness knows what she thought I'd do if she let go.

"Come on, you idiot," she yelled at Saionji, making a grab for him. "We're leaving!"

"But I haven't danced with you," Touga told her with his trademark smirk. "Not since the rooftop where we got all hot and sweaty."

"Shut up," she bit out, tugging futilely at Saionji's muscled arm. I could see this was going to end in more fighting. Reaching out I placed my free hand on Saionji's broad chest.

"Come home," I told him. He stopped glowering at Touga and turned to me, exactly as I'd known he would.

"Anthy…" he murmured, which he hadn't called me since Ohtori. I didn't like him calling me that but I bore it patiently. It served Utena's purpose. Behind him Touga rolled his eyes.

"Are you coming or staying?" snapped Utena, and I could tell she was none too pleased about my hand on his chest. "We're leaving NOW."

She stormed onward, and I followed docilely, while Saionji followed me in turn. Juri and Miki trailed behind us, looking like guilty children.

"See you soon," called Touga. "Call in advance if you have any special requests. A favorite girl perhaps?" I could practically hear the smirk in his voice. Playing at being Ends of the World, as always.

I didn't bother looking back at him, focusing instead on the tensed lines of Utena's back as she marched to the door. She strode through abruptly, ignoring the protests of the butler, searching anxiously for the limo. The rain was heavy enough to soak us in a second, the gale blowing it under the archway. I could barely see through my long hair, barely feel anything but the heat of Utena's fingers on my wrist. I stepped closer to her, wrapping my arm around her waist as tightly as I could. She abandoned my wrist to twine her arm around my shoulders. We were both shivering.

"I don't see the car," she yelled to me, her voice barely evident over the wind's strength.

"It's gone," I shouted back, because that was obvious, especially when you thought about who the chauffeur had been.

I could see her struggling with the impossibility of the situation, trying to decide what to do. After all it was insanity to be standing out in this tempest, and yet there was nowhere to go but back into the party. I wondered briefly if Akio had something to do with the weather…

But no, that was more my forte. Not that I could do anything about this storm. Or could I? I stood on tiptoes and put my lips to Utena's ear.

"The sword."

She stared at me, understanding instantly. A quick glance back at the others, all of whom were edging back inside the door, into the party's warmth and light. Couldn't they see it was all an illusion?

Utena turned back to me, and took my free hand in hers, kissing it with desperate intensity. Our eyes met: hers full of anxiety and belief. Slowly she placed my hand over her heart and closed her eyes. I closed mine too, tried to block out the wind and rain.

"Oh noble memory of the Power of Dios," I murmured, "now slumbering here; I beseech you, appear fully before me." I reached for the sword of Dios, that was also somehow the sword of Utena. Light bloomed, I felt the warmth and willpower of Utena's heart gathering in the palm of my hand. Her body flowed backwards, supported midair by the magic, mine flowed back too in the opposite direction. The sword itself flowed forth between us. For the first time since I'd liberated the sword from the castle's throne Utena's voice joined mine in the final command, and somehow I could hear her despite the storm.

"Grant us the power to revolutionize the world!"

Then we were in each other's arms again, while Utena kissed the hilt in a crusader's salute. She smiled at me as she did so, a fierce determined smile. I was glad to see it, glad to see her looking like the prince she was. Then we crossed together to the awestricken others, where they huddled in the doorway.

"Let's go home," shouted Utena, reaching out to grab Juri's shoulder, while still holding the sword. I held my free hand out to Miki, and catching on he clasped Saionji's arm. Utena closed her eyes and lowered her head, biting her lip in concentration. I felt power beginning to build around us as she opened the gateway between worlds. Over Saionji's shoulder I caught a glimpse of my brother, lounging against an ornate column. Touga stood beside him, just a little too close to be platonic, striking a laconic pose. They grinned at me in unison, and in that moment I realized we'd made a mistake. I'd made a key mistake.

But it was too late.

TBC in Chapter 10

_*Courtesans in Japan during the Edo period – women of pleasure who were also skilled entertainers, the predecessor to the geisha._


	10. Her Meddlesome Heart

_Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;_

_Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,_

_The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere_

_The ceremony of innocence is drowned;_

_The best lack all conviction, while the worst_

_Are full of passionate intensity._

_~W.B. Yeats~_

* * *

The world whirled in place, a million swords piercing a million rose petals - a carousel ridden by the corpses of princes. I choked for breath. Somebody screamed. The world faded into red, then black, then went away entirely.

When I woke I wasn't sure where I was.

"Come here, Anthy," said the most familiar voice I knew and I immediately recognized my brother (although the relationship was a well-kept secret), the powerful feudal ruler of the Ohtori province.

"Yes Akio-sama," I murmured, uncertain as to why I'd been lying on the floor when I should have been getting ready. Quickly I moved through the gap in the bamboo screens, into the lavishly decorated room where he knelt awaiting my service.

"Tea," he ordered, paying me more attention than he usually did, his green eyes unusually intense.

Kneeling I began to prepare the tea ceremony.

"You know, Anthy," he purred, "you've always been my favorite Oiran."

I stopped pouring and smiled at him, unsure of how to respond. He didn't usually compliment me. However my training and role meant that it was my responsibility to keep things comfortable, and pleasantly flirtatious. So I laughed lightly.

"Thank you." I poured his tea. "You've always been my favorite Daimyo*."

"Naturally," he said. "I'm your only Daimyo." His voice was also light but there was iron in the way he gripped his tea cup. "If you were to accept another client I would order his death." He smiled again, and took a sip. "There's no point in ordering yours, of course."

"Of course," I said, thinking it best to lower my gaze.

"Do you like this game?" he asked next, and I couldn't help but look at him again, thankful for the heavy makeup that helped to mask my surprise.

( _No glasses here…_ Now where had that strange thought come from? And what were glasses?)

"Yes," I said, aiming to be coquettish, "for that is part of the game."

"Yes," he said, "just as it is the game for you to lie."

"Would I lie to you?" I fluttered my lashes.

"No more than I would lie to you."

We gazed at each other in heavy irony. Eventually he reached over the table and took my hand in his. From appearances it looked to be an amorous gesture, but he gripped so tightly my bones ground together. I bit my lip and bore it in silence.

"I've been thinking," he said slowly, watching my face carefully, "about changing this game."

"Oh?" I managed to say.

"For your sake," he purred, "so that we will have more heroes to pick from, and a greater chance of attaining eternity."

"Yes," I said, not believing that anymore than he did. Besides he'd said this all before. The game had changed before, changed again, then changed back. Akio grew bored, and I grew too inured to a version of pain for his tastes.

"Perhaps I will let other daimyo enjoy your…hospitality too. After they win the honor of course. Perhaps in a contest of combat."

"Duels again?" I guessed, keeping my expression devoid of anything but polite interest. I knew my lack of apprehension would annoy him. It did; his lip curled for a moment in an almost-sneer.

"Yes." He smoothed his lip. "Men do so enjoy fighting over a beautiful woman." His hand began to tug me inexorably toward him. "You, sister, are very beautiful."

He began dragging me over the low table, knocking aside the crockery, spilling tea everywhere. Some of it seeped through my exquisite kimono, burned my skin, but I didn't cry out. Didn't give him that pleasure on top of this one.

"Anthy!" screamed a stranger's voice, and I goggled from my awkward position. Said stranger was crashing through the screen, sword leading the way. It was a young samurai, helmet-less, long pink hair swirling about his angry face.

"Get away from her!" he yelled at Akio, who ignored him to finish pulling me into his lap.

"I'll kill you!" yelled the samurai, and I wondered at his intensity when I'd never seen him before. (Although he did seem familiar; his righteous fury was like something out of a misplaced memory.) The samurai pulled back his sword and started to charge, but Akio pulled me around roughly so I was positioned as his very own human shield.

The samurai stopped mid-charge in a marvelous display of agility, sweeping his sword in a desperate arc to help himself balance.

"Anthy!" he cried again, and his voice broke girlishly. Now that he'd stopped moving I got a better look at him, and I stared uncomprehendingly. Not a man, but a woman. A woman, gazing at me with big blue eyes that begged me for something, I didn't know what. Impossible. A female samurai?! Whoever heard of such a foolish thing…

"What is this?" she growled, turning back to Akio. "Where the hell are we and what the hell's going on?!"

"I didn't bring us here," said my brother smoothly, in a tone I recognized as meaning he was well pleased with himself. "You did that."

"You tricked me!" hissed the girl. "You did…something…" Her face crumbled as she looked at me.

"Don't you recognize me?" she pleaded.

"Why would she?" purred Akio. "It's the Edo Period, and by the way, you look ridiculous in that outfit."

Utena (I suddenly remembered her name) looked down at herself, studied the armor in confusion, then glared back at Akio.

"You dirty bastard."

"I'd take that off," he said, "before you get lynched in the street." His smile was mocking, edging on triumphant. "Don't you know…women can't be samurai."

"And where have I heard that before?" she snarled back, and it wasn't really a question. She marched toward us, sword out threateningly and I cowered back against Akio's chest, unsure of what she wanted.

"Is that really such a good idea?" Akio asked complacently, even as Utena grabbed my arm. I winced but didn't pull back.

"Shut up," she told him, and then she closed her eyes and I felt the buildup of power in the air, the same kind as I normally associated with my long-lost brother, Dios. I stared wildly at Akio, who was pushing me away now, and rising to his feet. How was this happening?! How did _she_ have access to…

The world whirled in place. The last thing I saw was Akio's leer and then I heard the whir of arrows, the clank of metal on metal, and felt a million broken shards of china. Fields of flowers dancing in the breeze. The whisper of silk against the skin, the gods' own winds blowing the scent of blood across the sea.

The world whirled back into being. I blinked rapidly, trying to ascertain where I was. When I was.

We were in the sunroom, sprawled around the room like fallen soldiers: Juri, Miki, Saionji, Utena and I. The others were beginning to get up amidst muttered groans. I had landed with Utena on top of me, and now I lay quite still as she began to stir. For some reason I felt slightly afraid.

Utena's eyes opened and she pushed herself up so she hovered over me, no longer a dead weight.

"Anthy?" she asked anxiously. Vaguely I noticed she was dressed in the black prince's outfit she'd worn to the ball, that we were back home (as we'd originally intended). Piece by china piece I gathered my scattered wits.

"Anthy?" she repeated, lifting a shaking hand to stroke my cheek. "Say something."

I cleared my throat. I didn't like the worry in her eyes.

"What would you like me to say?" I asked politely, then closed my eyes in self-irritation. "I mean…I'm fine." I opened my eyes to find her looking terrified.

"Utena-sama, I'm fine," I repeated, then bit my lip at the second unexpected slip-up. Utena's eyes had filled with tears.

"Utena," I corrected myself, placing my hand over hers. "Sorry."

She chewed her lip and helped me sit up.

"Y…you're sure you're okay?"

"Yes," I said, although I wasn't sure at all. I realized what must have happened – we'd travelled to the past, and I'd forgotten the present while I was there. But as to why it had happened…I was at a loss.

Utena of course hadn't been born yet, and had retained her present self. So had Akio for that matter, but presumably it was his plot. Still it bothered me that I'd forgotten Utena so easily. Was that courtesy of being an Oiran (at that time), or did it indicate something deeper? Self-doubt gnawed.

The others were getting their bearings, muttering incredulously about 'what Utena had done', and dimly I gathered they'd been transported to our mansion without any temporary side trip. The only ones who'd gone to the Daimyo's palace were myself and Utena. And Akio.

Utena was staring at me now, not really paying attention to Juri's questions or Saionji's complaints. Mumbling some excuse she took my hand and led me from the room, up the stairs and to our bedroom. She deposited me on the bed, and went to lock the door.

I let her do all this, following meekly without protest or much thought. My mind was muzzy. My back ached where the hot water had scalded. My gown stuck to my bloody thighs where they'd been cut by shards of teacup.

Yet I knew if I lifted the dress to look, there would be no marks at all. They hadn't happened tonight.

"He hijacked us," muttered Utena, hopping onto the bed to sit facing me. "He forced us out into the storm, and got rid of the car, and he changed where we went. H…how did he do that?"

I knew she was really asking how she could stop him from doing it again.

"I'm tired," I said softly, because all I could think about was sleeping. Utena's eyes softened. She lay down on the bed and lay me down with her, resting my head on her chest, wrapping her arms around me protectively. I let her, and had it in me to feel grateful.

"Sleep," she murmured. "We'll talk about it in the morning."

I closed my eyes.

* * *

I woke in the middle of the night, woke and wondered why I had. The stars shimmered through the glass; I wanted to go out on the balcony and listen to them. Our room was filled with darkness, and I wanted to look into it and see the unseeable future. Utena lay on her back, her hair and arms outspread. She'd kicked off the sheets and I heard her whimpering in her sleep.

Making soothing noises in the back of my throat I stroked her head, her cheek, her belly. I lifted the bottom of her pajama top (a shameful hobby of mine) and studied the scar. She'd been so surprised in that one defining moment. The moment she'd realized I was Judas to her Jesus, and had been all along. A moment of pure bloody truth.

It had been the only time she'd turned away from the truth, or rather, looked through it to see something else: The deeper truth. Had swallowed up justice in mercy, motivated by her desperate love for me.

"And now," I murmured into the night, "I love you back."

The love of her was killing me. Maybe it was killing the old me, and maybe that me deserved to die. Regardless it was death and I didn't know how to face it, to lie still and not struggle. I didn't know if I wanted to die. Again.

"I love him too," I whispered into the uncaring night. (You didn't stop loving someone. Love lasted longer than hate, longer than the grave. Love never ended, was the only thing that couldn't end.)

"What?" mumbled Utena, opening her eyes and gazing sleepily up at me.

"I love you," I said, and I drew my hand back off her belly but she reached up and placed her hand over mine, trapping it.

"I love you too," she said softly. Her eyes were damp with unshed tears.

"I know," I whispered and I did. What else could it be? Only love could compel the kind of risks she'd taken, even in the face of betrayal.

Had my brother loved me? Could love compel the kind of risks he'd taken? Did he love me still, after my betrayal?

The night was calling me. I looked away from Utena, looked out into the night and before I knew it I was moving, slipping my fingers out of hers, and going to the balcony.

"Anthy!" she called, stumbling out of bed after me. "Where are you going?"

"Nowhere," I murmured, and stepped outside. She was right on my heels, wrapping her arms around my waist as I rested my hands on the rail and stared out.

"What are you doing?" she asked, voice strained and very much awake now.

"Thinking," I said and I stared at the blackness between the stars, trying to bring myself to look at them directly and failing. I hated stargazing – that belonged to him. But I felt the need to _see_. I had to see…

"About?" she asked, voice catching roughly.

"Us," I said.

"Can't you do that in bed?" she begged. "You coming out here at midnight…" She cleared her throat. "It makes me nervous."

"Sorry," I said, and wondered if I'd be forever apologizing to this prince. The other one hadn't needed such reassurance. After all, I did my evil at his bequest.

We said nothing for awhile, Utena sighing and resting her head on my shoulder at my answer, and I watching the night for answers that weren't coming to me. What should I do? My head whirled. How to take care of these problems? What magick? What game? What role should I play?

Nobody was telling me what role to play.

Utena's body sagged a little against mine, trapping me between her and the rail. Her warm breaths were slowing against my neck. I realized she was falling asleep even though she was standing up.

"Go back to bed," I told her gently. "I'll be fine." She came alert, body tensing against mine.

"No," she said. "I'm not leaving you out here all alone."

"I promised," I pointed out calmly, knowing she was (unreasonably in my view) terrified of me jumping. (But I'd been jumping to save her…hadn't she known that? To stop her from having to choose between my brother and myself. To stop her from fighting for me. To stop me from stabbing her.)

I had no reason to jump now.

"I know," she mumbled, arms tightening around my waist. "But you need me right now."

I was silent. Wondering if that was really true. Wondering if I needed her without knowing it myself. I didn't know anything like I'd used to…

"You don't talk about your problems," Utena continued tightly. "You always start to then stop. Even…after everything. Don't you remember? If anything is troubling you…"

"You want to be my friend," I finished for her. I stared at the night. "I remember."

"More than everything we are to each other…" she insisted, "We're friends."

"Friends," I repeated softly, tasting the word, still strange to me after all this time and all these strange events. ChuChu notwithstanding, I only had one friend. One girl who'd befriended me when I didn't know to want such a thing. Who'd given me a taste of what friendship was. What it could be.

"Yes," said Utena, voice firm yet wavering with her hope.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, unable to keep from apologizing yet again. "I'm not a very good friend."

"Oh Anthy…" I heard the tears in Utena's voice. "I've never had a better one."

I turned to her then, tearing myself away from the black holes in the sky. I hated it when she cried. And she never cried…except when it came to me.

"I'll try," I told her, if only to see the tears stop. "I'll learn how." I wiped at her tears with trembling fingers.

"Let me help you," she pleaded, and I knew the words held double meaning. My hands fell to my sides and I looked down. Tenderly Utena tilted my chin back up. "Stop trying to protect me," she said and her voice was fierce now. "God, Anthy, that's my job."

My gaze darted to hers in consternation. She had the good grace to blush.

"Okay, well, it's our job then. But it's not yours and yours alone. You have to, y'know…tell me stuff! If you don't I'm next to useless. I've got power, right? Well let me use it! Teach me, help me, show me what to do so I can help you!"

She'd taken me by the shoulders and was actually shaking me a little, not really conscious of it in her intensity. Her eyes burned into mine.

"You're not alone! Never again! We're together…in this together! No matter what happens…"

She exhaled forcibly and noticed what she was doing. She took a step back, her hands dropping to hang awkwardly at her sides. I reached for her hands, gathering them up in mine. I stepped into her.

"Stay with me," I whispered and I was asking the future her: the her she would be when I told her the truth. As much of it as I could.

"All your days," she vowed, echoing my earlier vow. Her eyes were very gentle but her arms reached out to crush me to her chest.

"What's happening?" she whispered into my hair.

"He wants me to go back to him," I whispered. "Like you said."

"And w…will you go?" Her voice cracked.

"No," I said, clinging to her like she was a falling boulder in a landslide. "No, Utena."

"Good," she said passionately. "Thank God."

"But I want to," I said. "I can't help that."

She froze against me. Finally:

"Oh." Her voice was cautious. Her hands trembled on my back. I sighed into her neck and made myself continue.

"You'll have to help me. Not go. Stop me if it…comes to that."

"But you're free!" She exploded into action, pushing me away to hold me at arms length and glare pleadingly at me.

"Can a fox say to the hunter, I am not a fox?" My voice was quiet. I made no move toward or away from Utena. I steeled my nerves to keep my gaze steady on hers.

"What?" she mumbled. "I never know what you're talking about…"

I sighed.

"Can you touch a thorn and not get pricked?"

Utena stared at me.

I took a deep breath and tried my utmost to be more direct.

"Utena…it is the nature of things to be what they are." I took another breath; it was hard to breathe for some reason. "We are bound eternally, my brother and I."

"B…but the revolution," she pleaded.

"Even if the stars fall out of the sky," I murmured, "if castles turn to dust and rain down like it is the end of the world…it is the beginning all over again."

"What?" Her voice was shaking now as well as her hands. "Are you saying it was all for n…nothing? No! That can't be what you're saying…"

I blinked at her.

"It's not."

"No wonder you don't talk about this stuff!" she exploded. "It's gibberish!"

"No," I said calmly, oddly calm in the face of her frustration. "It's just not for you."

"Damn it, Anthy!" she cried. Her hands tightened where they gripped my upper arms. "Make me understand then! Help me understand!"

I watched her, watched her eyes that were very like a summer sky for all that they were filled with storms. She stared back warily. I saw her answer in the way she couldn't look away.

"When you opened the rose gate," I whispered, and she moved closer to hear me, "you did it knowing what I'd done to you."

She blinked. Swallowed hard.

"If we could go back," I framed the words carefully, "would you do it all again?"

"Of course," she said, no hesitation. Fingers digging into me.

"You didn't even think," I pointed out as gently as I could. "It's your nature to play the prince."

Her breath hissed out harshly.

"This is my nature," I studied the way she was biting her lip because I found it hard to look into her blazing eyes. "We are who we are."

"People can change!" she argued.

"Can they?" I whispered, thinking of my brother and the tears he'd cried over Utena's broken body, five years ago. The tears he'd cried over my broken body, more than five millennia ago. I looked up. The ancient words trembled on my tongue: they had to be said.

The time was ripe.

"You are she who chose this road," I whispered, "knowing only a part of the world."

"Is that it?" she cried, "is that what you mean?! Damn it, Anthy, I knew what I was doing! I know what I want! Who I love!"

I took a deep breath and steeled myself.

"Do you, Utena-sama?"

And I changed.

Utena stared at me wildly. The blood drained from her face. Her hands turned cold on my arms, turned cold then dropped away. I was shorter now, shorter and slighter. I was male. I was Chida Mamiya and I regarded Utena with eyes the same color and cunning as Himemiya Anthy's.

She said nothing. She only stared like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. I gazed back calmly for all that my heart was pounding through my chest. We stood like that for what seemed like an eternity, for the eternal instant that Mamiya had promised (falsely) to Mikage.

I had nowhere left to hide.

Utena had nowhere left to hide me.

Then she stumbled away, fleeing from me, turning her back on the truth like she had in the planetarium that nightmare night.

I watched her go, let her go. I'd expected it somewhere deep inside. Everything had been leading to this moment; it was inevitable.

Utena ran out our bedroom door, slamming it behind her in her haste. I listened to her footsteps echoing down the hall, on the stairs, then turned around and watched over the balcony as she pelted out into the garden. She was running full out, hair streaming back: a beautiful sight. Something in me wondered if she was crying. Something in me knew she was.

As I watched, the air whirled and eddied in front of her – telltale signatures of power. She ran into the invisible vortex, ran and disappeared from the naked eye. I guessed she'd gone to the castle. Escaped to the castle.

"Goodbye," I said. "My meddlesome heart." And I sank to my knees, and shimmered back into Anthy. And I cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

See Chapter 11 for 'Author's Note 1' which I wrote when I thought this wouldn't be continued (I was wrong!)  
See Chapter 12 for the next chapter, 'The Final Mask'  


* * *

_*Powerful territorial lords in premodern Japan who ruled most of the country from their vast, hereditary land holdings._


	11. Final? Author's Note 1

_Elucidation of my journey, where I've ended up, my gratitude to my fellow fans, and what would've happened in this story. One door closes so new doors can open._

* * *

Greetings my fellow fans of RGU, and people who read this fanfic and Roses Grow after all these long years (Secret: so do I, on and off). Hello too, readers who have recently found these pieces. :-)

I've thought of you often over the years, especially when I've occasionally come back to re-read chapters and reviews.

Just like RGU calls to me, my own fanfiction called to me (I feel a little embarrassed admitting this, but have come to own it about myself).

I've thought/felt a lot about why that is.

I've realised that I identify strongly with certain characters and themes in RGU. I suspect that perhaps all strong fans do, just with different characters and themes. This is likely true of every fandom.

I've realised I can learn heaps about myself through RGU and my writings about it - who I was, who I am, who I'm becoming. I realised my fanfiction often pointed to parts of my unconscious in their birth pangs ... long buried parts of me struggling to be born.

Can anyone say, rose coffin? ;-)

When I wrote Roses Grow I had just come out as a lesbian (for the second time in my life, in my lateish 20s - the first time was when I was 16-17 and surrounded by a community who hated and feared queer people for fundamentalist religious reasons. I quickly escaped back into the closet).

At the time I was in the process of leaving everyone I knew behind, since they weren't willing to accept my new (old) identity. This included my family, friends, church community, my best friend ... pretty much everyone I knew.

And at the same time I gained myself. I'd lived for long years deliberately suppressing my sexuality, and was in terrible pain inside, pain that ate at my very soul. I was drawn to angst because it expressed my hidden pain.

To be free, to emerge from my coffin and walk into the new and unknown world (yes, just like Anthy) was a miracle, a revelation. It was also incredibly hard, scary, and depressing.

Roses Grow helped me do it. Writing was an outlet for my emotions, a way of making sense of what was happening, a way of actually *writing* what was happening ... without even knowing that was what I was doing (just like Utena's dream where Anthy rescues her ... which neither of them remember and or even do, until later. What a mind-fuck!).

When I wrote Roses Grow I identified strongly with Utena (without fully admitting that to myself). I've always been a girl who was like a boy. I've always been a 'rescuer' on the drama triangle. I had romantic relationship after relationship where I tried to play prince to reluctant 'victims' who didn't want to be saved. My Mum was the first victim/persecutor (another term for this could be Anthy/Akio) in my life, and the first one I tried to conquer/rescue. Unsuccessfully, every single time.

It took me writing Thorns Wither, and big development and growth in my inner and outer life for me to realise ... to my shock ... I am also Anthy.

Just like Anthy I often played the victim. Just like Anthy I longed to be saved, and didn't admit that (which is why I embodied Utena). Just like Anthy I passively aggressively persecuted others, just like I'd learned to do in my family of origin, and just like my Mum does. I had been terrified of knowing/seeing this truth about myself ... it took my growth to be able to own it.

I learned that the one I longed to save MOST of all, the one who called to me in my forgotten dreams, the one who reached out a hand to me with tears in her eyes ... was Anthy-me.

And that Utena-me was supposed to save Anthy-me ... not 'Anthy in others', not partners, not friends, not other 'victims' in society or in my jobs, not my Mum.

I needed every princely instinct, every iota of energy, every shoot of tender new growth to embrace Dios coming down from the Castle of Eternity, to be the True Prince who could save myself.

So (slowly) I gave up rescuing others.

I reached out my hand to myself.

And I gratefully took my hand.

Reunited after long years, my 'someday together' happened, and the new me, combining Utena AND Anthy, stepped out of my own personal Ohtori Academy, the world of my culture and time and childhood that I'd grown up with and didn't know could be different.

I stepped out into the unknown, into the 'real world'. I was whole: loving and embodying myself finally. I explored the real world. I met other people, who were very different to me, and sometimes very like me. I related with them as equals, not as people to rescue, or who might rescue me.

I'm still deeply involved in this growth process, learning how to be true to myself, and be my whole self. Learning how to relate with others outside of the extremely common 'Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer' relationship dynamic (often called The Drama Triangle). Learning how to meet others as real people, and to be my real self.

I lost everyone in my old life. The dueling arena exploded into pieces which filled the sky like rain. I met new people and made a new life.

I've done this again and again since. I've realised I was trapped inside worlds within worlds, that just seemed like 'normal' to me. Again and again I rescue parts of me and step our of the false worlds into truer worlds. It is always a revelation, always inspiring enough to bring tears to my eyes, always as special as Utena and Anthy sharing tea and cookies after ten years.

I've left so many beliefs and old identities behind, choosing my own beliefs and my truer identities.

I've realised and admitted I'm non-binary gender - genderfluid rather than female gender (that was much scarier for me than admitting I was gay ... which was massively scary at the time!). I've realised my sexuality is more fluid than I knew and allowed myself to explore types of people I would never have considered once. I've realised attraction doesn't have to be limited to type. I've journeyed from my sex-negative background with the aim to become fully sex-positive (meaning I accept and explore my sexuality bravely without judgement, and accept and respect others' even when their sexualities are different to mine).

I left my religious roots behind, and then eventually found how to incorporate spirituality again in a new and different and deeper way that didn't impose upon others, but helped me feel connected to the whole and everyone (a form of shamanism adapted to the western world and modern times - look up 'Last Mask Centre' if that resonates).

I journeyed from monogamous to ethically polyamorous with some interest in relationship anarchy. I've now experienced loving and being with multiple people in multiple ways, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. I never would have dreamed this was possible, and when I first heard about it I judged the practioners very harshly.

So I get it when people judge me, for all these life developments and choices. I certainly judged the hell out of myself. ;-)

But now I feel free, and powerful. Now I grow, like a rose. Now my thorns wither away.

I still love Revolutionary Girl Utena with passion. I am so grateful for all that it has given me - both the original series (the anime, manga and movie) and all the fans' re-creations (fanfiction, amvs, artwork, essays, general raving). I am grateful too for my interactions with other fans over the years, which I have found deeply fulfilling. 3

I love writing RGU (and writing in general); I've loved crafting anime music videos which felt like they took the wellsprings of emotion within and flowed an expression of them into the outside world.

These days I can be with those wellsprings of emotion and ride them. I can journey into them via practices I've learned, and transform them to let go of the old, and usher in the new.

These days I can cry freely (once tears were trapped inside of me, a painful fist in my throat). I can smile and laugh and play (once I was intensely serious, and I couldn't play no matter how much I tried). I can love and be loved with a full and open heart.

I have tasted intimacy with others that was once a dream I thought was impossible ... a 'shining thing', a 'miracle'.

I have experienced that working heartfully through conflict, after developing the capacity for the self's feelings and holding space for others' feelings, can bring people closer to beautiful ever-deepening layers of intimacy.

Nothing else tastes so sweet.

I plan to keep learning this, experiencing it, and deepening my capcity to love and be loved all my life.

Every last place inside of me that is withered, bone-dry for lack of love, or speared with a million swords of hatred, aching and bleeding ... I will find. This I swear. I will rescue every part of me. I will do what it takes, (but never at the cost of myself).

I will free me, reach out my hand, love me, fight for me, receive my love and sacrifice. I will rise again, reborn, more than I was before.

I will know what it is to love and be loved.

Because I will love myself, all of me, always.

And this is the very act that makes it possible to truly love, to truly see and appreciate others.

I don't know if I will continue to write Thorns Wither. I suspect not. I've changed so much that the story would change signifcantly in tone and shape. I want to be upfront about this, now that I realise it. I most likely will never write the triology this was originally planned to be. It's turned into a different shape.

I know that what needs to happen is for Anthy to continue transforming until she finds the way to rescue herself (rather than to rely on Utena). She needs to find goodness within her own soul, where it originally resided when she saved young Dios ... and where only amorality resides now. You may have noticed that Anthy isn't motivated in this story by a desire to show care for others ... except Utena. She is 'the monkey who fell down the cliff'. However she is slowly learning to bond with others (such as Juri), and others are becoming more real to her. I'd say she's probably on Level 2 of Keegan's Theory of Adult Development, whereas about 65% of society are on Level 3. I'd say Utena is in transition to Level 4, and that RGU might be about people 'growing up' from emotional immaturity to become adults ... perhaps this might be transitioning fully from Level 3 to Level 4. Just one framework I've enjoyed combining with RGU!

I know that Utena needs to learn to stop rescuing Anthy, and to let Anthy fully stand on her own two feet. She also needs to forgive herself for her (deliberate?) ignorance of the situation at Ohtori. She needs to realise the ways she is like Anthy, and to forgive Anthy for all her 'evil' ... for all the ways she horrifically hurt others as Mamaiya, and in all the other guises she wore. Anthy's hurtful acts can never be justified, even with the million swords of hatred as burden and influencer (although it certainly contextualises it ... and I believe it is very important to interpret each and every person within their context. So Anthy holding back on saying a barbed remark to Nanami while she was under the influence of the million swords might well be akin in 'bigness of goodness' to Utena standing up to Nanami when she is bullying someone).

Anthy and Utena both need to take responsibility, and to grow up fully.

And they need to embrace and allow their differences, celebrate them, and enjoy each other.

I suspect that when Utena gives up on rescuing Anthy (which would be incredibly hard for her, and would change everything about her), that then the swords will lose their hold. Because somehow the Eternal Rescuer is linked irrevokably to the Eternal Victim. If Utena stopps being Rescuer she will stop being the Victim that holds the swords. There is no other way.

It might even be that Anthy will need to find her own prince-nature inside, and that she will be the one to rescue Utena (and find a solution for the swords which doesn't mean taking them into herself). And then they will both have rescued each other (again, because this has already happened to a point in the series and then in Roses Grow), and the wheel will have turned full circle.

I suspect Akio, while influenced by Dios, will choose (of his own free will) not to embrace Dios and be fully transformed. I have experienced that some people (perhaps only a few) choose not to be saved, or to save themselves, even when they have a golden opportunity. They choose to remain 'evil', even though in their heart of hearts, they could be 'good'. This is to their terrible detriment, and the harm of us all. We all influence each other and our world, constantly.

Every person gets to choose which path they will take.

Some of us start out like Utena, some like Anthy, some like Akio, like Saionji, Touga, Nanami, Juri, Miki, Kozue, Shiori, Mikage, Tsuwabuki, Keiko, Wakaba, Kanae, and all the rest. We each have a uniquely contexualised journey to revolutionize our world. We all play a role in the journey of others.

I encourage and urge you, my fellow fans, and valued readers, search for and choose the good that is at the heart of you.

Seek it out and rescue it. Embody and strengthen it. Break the shell of the false masks we wear, and revolutionise your world!

By doing so you help revolutionise our world!

I'm cheering for you, as is everyone who is on this princely journey. Together, we shine. <3

* * *

TBC in Chapter 12: The Final Mask  
_(since I was wrong, and the story continued and completed about 6 years later this Author's Note. Oh my!)_


	12. The Final Mask

_"Tear off the mask. Your face is glorious."  
~Rumi~_

* * *

The next morning I stumbled into breakfast, clothing rumpled, hair in a disarray. I don't know if I'd slept; all I remembered was Utena fleeing into the night. She'd been unable to face what I'd hidden in the darkest of shadows.

Juri and Miki stared at me in confusion. ChuChu trailed behind me, head down, tail dragging. I stared back at them, not really seeing them, and not sure why I'd even gotten out of bed. Habit maybe? After all the rose bride was nothing but a well-executed set of (boring) routines. What I wanted, wasn't part of the equation.

If it was, Utena would still be with me …

"Where's Utena?" asked Juri. She sounded oddly nervous. Miki pulled out his stopwatch, his thumb hovering nervously over its button.

I shrugged. I couldn't bring myself to actually form words. I had never felt like this before: Like I was screaming silently, and melting like a candle under a blowtorch, and numb and far-away and completely disinterested … all at the same time. I couldn't think, yet at the same time a crowd of voices screamed in my head, all with contradictory opinions:

" _Go after her, you fool!"  
"I can't lose Utena. I'd rather die."  
"Who do you think you are? You should curl up in a ball of shame …"  
"How can you have shown her your other face. STUPID FOOL."  
"What's going on? I'm so confused …"  
"Tell these poor children the truth; they deserve that much."  
"Give up now. What's the point of even trying to go on …"  
"Go back to him. He knows you, he wants you, he doesn't run away when he sees your true face …"  
"How dare she! I HATE her! She claims to love me but when I open up she ABANDONS me. She's not a prince, she's a hypocrite!"  
"They're all the same, there's no such thing as a true prince. They're all the same …"_

They were all screaming at the same time, and I didn't know who to listen to or how to read between the lines. What was the true message? What was my true voice? Was anything true, had anything ever been true?

"Himemiya-san." Juri's voice was firm yet oddly gentle. I suddenly realised she was somehow sitting next to me with her hand on my shoulder. I didn't remember her ever touching me, and it felt strange now. But then again, everything was strange now.

I had never lived in this world before. It was the real world, yet all masks were off. Even the real world (just like the world of Ohtori) was a masquerade of civility, conventions, pretences. But underneath …

"What's happened?" asked Juri. Her cool eyes studied me intently, and somehow her focus lent me enough focus to answer.

"I drove Utena away," I admitted. Miki gasped and his stopwatch hit the floor. Juri inhaled sharply. I myself straightened up in surprise. I didn't fully realise what I'd done, or why I'd done it, until those words came out of my mouth.

"Why?" asked Miki, eyes huge. He looked sad and scared to me, and oddly young. I looked at my fingers, knotted painfully in my lap. There was a long silence. We all watched as ChuChu dragged himself across the table and plopped down in my empty teacup. His head was bent so low it touched his belly.

Finally Juri patted my shoulder awkwardly. I suspect she meant to be comforting, which was confusing in itself. A lone tear ran down Miki's cheek. ChuChu started to cry too, moaning-gasping sobs with big fat blobs of tears that started to fill the teacup. Soon he was floating in tear-water. We all watched him, the room silent except for his weeping.

"I know why," said Juri, and we all looked at her, including ChuChu, his sobs quieting.

"It's because you always knew it would happen, once she found out who you really were."

"Juri-senpai!" cried Miki softly, aghast. I merely stared at Juri who was no longer touching me, but gazing at me so intently that it felt like touching.

"I'm right, aren't I," she stated coolly. "She discovered who you are, and she couldn't take it."

"Don't!" protested Miki, and I knew he couldn't bear to hear his idol portrayed in that light. For that matter, neither could I.

"Not quite," I corrected Juri, my voice deceptively mild for all the raging emotions I felt screaming inside the yawning emptiness.

"I showed her this." And I dropped the mask-of-Anthy, and donned the mask-of-Mamiya.

Juri screamed and leapt back. Miki's jaw dropped. ChuChu jumped out of his teacup-pond and leapt onto Mamiya's shoulder (no, MY shoulder) than turned and hissed fiercely at the world. Then silence reigned.

If the silence had been awkward before, this silence gave new definition to the phenomena.

Finally Juri smoothed her hair with a trembling hand, and moved with careful dignity to sit opposite me, and next to Miki. His jaw was still dropped, and he wasn't bothering to hide his staring. His stopwatch lay forgotten on the floor, screen cracked.

It would probably never work again.

"Well," said Juri, and folded her hands in front of her. "Well." I noted detachedly that her hands were still trembling though she was trying valiantly to mask this. But I was expert at seeing through other people's maskings, probably because I was the original mask itself.

I'd been created to mask a monster as a prince. To mask a devil as an angel, and a boy as a man as a boy. I was Akio's foil through a thousand generations, and it took nothing to fool these foolish children, any way that I wanted to.

I blinked in consternation at my own thoughts. Mamiya's-mask was somehow more detached and darker than Anthy's-more-familiar-mask. Yet, beneath the masks …

… who was I?

"Well," Juri started up again. "This is a … surprise."

I almost rolled my eyes. Understatement of the year. Luckily I had long practice in keeping expressionless except when it suited my brother's purposes … or sometimes, MY purposes …

"It explains," Juri continued stolidly, "… so much."

We all stared at each other some more. Then ChuChu sat down on my shoulder and started picking his nose. Apparently he was now bored.

Juri's eyes moved between ChuChu to me then back again. Miki finally closed his mouth.

"I wish Utena-senpai was here," he said mournfully.

All our eyes snapped to him, shocked.

"She'd know what to do," he said. Juri glared for a moment, then sighed.

"You're … right, Miki-kun. This stuff is … really hard, without her." She glanced at me distastefully. I noticed her hands had stopped shaking.

"After all, she's the only true prince around here."

We all nodded sadly in unison, then caught ourselves. Miki started smiling. Juri raised an eyebrow. ChuChu chortled. I unbent enough to smirk, then surprised myself by noticing that I'd been so rigid.

So rigid, for so long. Too wooden to make (or often even feel) real expressions. Too numbed to have human feelings, and to want things, and to have a mind of my own. That's what came of wearing a mask so long, and pretending to be … (could it be true?) … something that I wasn't …

But who was I?

"I should go to her," I said out of the blue. I stood up. Suddenly I was Anthy again, even though I hadn't consciously decided to transform. The knights of Utena's court stared at me, in what looked like fascination, and just a bit of fear. I decided this transforming-in-front-of-people deal was kind of fun. I almost wanted to change into some other form just to toy with them.

But now, that wasn't me … was it? Yet it was … I DID enjoy toying with mortals, I'd grown to like it over the years. It was one of my few pleasures. So … Akio and I had that in common.

By all the gods, how was it that someone like Utena, and like Dios my beloved big brother, had ever loved me, so innocently and so passionately? Why were they (both) so stupid?!

I was disgusted by them, and repulsed by their weakness. I was attracted to them, magnetically, and longed to make their idiotic nobility my own. I wanted them to stop saving all the other princesses and save ME. I wanted their attention, their admiration, their devotional and unwavering love and sacrifice. I wanted it ALL, the whole world to be about me-alone. AND I wanted to SAVE them, from their unrelenting, and so-foolish mission to save the (unending stream) of the world's victims from the (unending stream) of monsters.

Didn't they know the relentless cycle of victim-perpetrator-rescuer would never end, could never end? Didn't they know that one always became the other, inevitably and inexorably, and that they were all three faces of one three-sided (impossible) coin?

What would it take to wake them up out of their self-imposed delusion of heroic innocence? Would it truly have to be so many swords of hatred that the prince's noble heart was carved into bloody strips of meat? And then the prince would (have to) become a monster, in vengeance for the victims eating them alive … but they were under no obligation to meet those demands for saving. They had imposed their self-righteousness onto people who didn't want to be saved, damsels who GOT OFF on being perpetual victims, who craved the attention like vampires craved blood, like …

… myself, Anthy the witch, Anthy the original princess, Anthy the victim-forever. Himemiya Anthy the muse, the rose-bride of myriad names and faces, who brings duelists to their knees and keeps even monsters choking on their desire for …

… what they cannot have. Because I'd never given it to them, not even once. That was my true power, to withhold my true face, my true love, my heart. It was the power of absence, the power of passive aggression – the power of the seemingly-powerless victim role. They could rape me until my body gave out and fell over like a flimsy ragdoll. They could kill me with cruel words, and violent acts, and deceptive games over and over and over again. The ultimate betrayal could continue every day: A brother who violated his sister in place of protecting her. And all because she had given everything to save him from himself … though his pride and hubris and thoroughly suppressed guilt would never allow him to see it that way.

But if I was already dead inside, if my heart was nothing but a numb replica of what used to be a living beating heart …

… then NObody could truly hurt me. If I was dead inside, I couldn't die again. Life couldn't touch me. Love couldn't reach me. I could be passed around from victor to victor, played with like a toy, and just like a lifeless toy, I wouldn't feel a thing.

No light would ever shine on me, no matter how much light shone in Utena's big blue eyes or Dios' innocent green ones. No matter how much starlight glowed in Akio's mysterious eyes in the shadows of the auditorium, as he pushed me down onto the couch and my body turned to night-time.

Moreover, if I couldn't feel/think/enact-my-will then I would never have to admit that to have Akio's attention fixated on me, to have his illusory world built around supposedly 'saving' me … thrilled me to the core. That I wanted my big brother so much that to have him inside me, even though it destroyed me, wasn't too much. That I believed him when he said it was all my fault, and only what I deserved. That my darkest wish had come true when Dios died, and an angel became a devil … the prince was mine alone. And that I could never forgive myself for being the one who had ultimately tarnished him so, whose fault it was that my beloved brother was a walking corpse.

It was decided. Every shadow had moved into the light. Thorns withered, roses grew.

Miki was saying something, and Juri was banging her fist on the table but I couldn't hear them or truly see them anymore. I felt ChuChu's tail wrap around my neck to hold on, even as power began to build around me. I had awareness enough to notice that Juri and Miki both now had their mouths wide open and were leaning back away from me, but then they whirled out of sight, and …

… Roses, crushed roses, twisting thorns. Blood, acrid and wet, flowing down my face, sticking in dried clumps to the roses. Metal, sharp and burning metal, stabbing, melting, solidifying, making up the bones and structure. Roses making up the softness of the flesh, giving colour to the illusion. Not a girl but a doll. A beautiful doll, more desirable than a girl, but just a doll. A doll with no heart.

And then … flesh growing on that withered heart. Blood starting to pump, just once, then again. A perfect masked face made of china, made of perfection, cracking. New eyes looking through the cracks, fingernails digging into flesh, the sensation of clean physical pain. New flesh forming, half-felt feelings blossoming, numbness rounding out and fading, thorns digging in. Water, the freshness of cleansing rain or tears, pearling on the roses. Thorns withering away, and new rose petals budding, slowly but surely. Ever so soft. Faintly scented.

A girl, a young girl, innocent and cunning, with mixed desires and many voices. Beautiful and ugly, hateful and loving, all that the world can be in all its horrible glory, all the beauty that we lose as we grow up into adults who forget the children we are at heart.

Not just a doll but a girl. Not just a monster but a human. Not just a prince-killer but a hero-saver. Not just a victim but a perpetrator, puppet-master from the shadows, outplaying even World's-End. The ultimate victim, the ultimate perpetrator, and now … now?

Finally?

The ultimate rescuer?

Or the one who would finally allow herself to be rescued? To know what true vulnerability tasted like, what love might actually fully feel like, even with all its risks and dangers? To be …

… alive?

The world whirled back into being.

And I went to find Utena.

TBC in Chapter 13: A Step Without Feet   



	13. A Step Without Feet

_"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment.  
First to let go of life.  
Finally, to take a step without feet."  
~Rumi~_

* * *

I stood in the castle of eternity in its darkest dungeon. I hadn't searched to find Utena; I'd sensed her power, the way I could always sense the prince if I but tried. After all …

I was the counterpart. There could be no prince without the rose br…

… wait, not 'the rose bride'. Without … me.

Just me.

Utena was sitting balled up in a corner, head in her hands. Her white prince's uniform was almost black with dust. A chain dangled on the stony wall above her, but at least it wasn't around her fragile wrist. Everything about her posture screamed despair.

I went to her. It was pure instinct; I'd always been a creature of pure instinct. It had gotten lost somehow, damped down, behind and beneath the many masks. But it was what was magic about me - my true power. It bubbled out every now and then despite Akio's best attempts to block it.

This natural way of being, this wildness, was the true me. It was the raw emotionality and fragile vulnerability that scared the angry crowd, that scared the victims-cum-princesses, that scared the princes-cum-monsters, and that scared me.

But there was nothing scary about it.

"Utena," I said, stopping just in front of her. My voice was clear and unwavering. I gazed down at her, willing her to look up at me.

Hesitantly, she did. She blinked, once, twice. I could see she'd been crying. Her voice when she finally spoke was cracked.

"A…Anthy?"

"Yes," I said simply. There wasn't anything more to say.

Utena's eyes drank me in.  
The way I stood: tall, straight, my ankle-length hair flowing wildly around me, whipped by some unseen arcane wind.  
The clothes I wore: nothing, as naked as the day I was born. With all my many scars showing yet with no shame.  
The stars in my eyes that blinked out of time to reveal ancient eyes of green: the eyes of a grandmother inside the eyes of a child.  
The smile on my face: not warm, not cold, not much, but there. Real. For her.

Slowly, not taking her eyes away, she stood up, using the wall to help her.

We gazed at each other. It was like drinking as much water as you want after being tortured by thirst in a desert. Like drinking clear cool water. So good.

SO good.

"I was wrong," I said, and the words whirled around us with mysterious power. Utena nodded slowly. Her eyes were still drinking me in, wide and thirsty.

"I'm sorry," I said, but I didn't say it weakly or habitually or to appease. I said it because I meant it; I'd never said sorry before - not really, not fully. When you're pretending to be something-you're-not, you can't say sorry without dying first. So … you're never truly sorry.

I looked Utena in the eye and I let her see all the way into me, nothing hidden, nothing held back. I WAS sorry. I wanted her to know it, to feel it, the way I finally felt it.

Utena gazed back, searchingly, trustingly. Her eyes welled with tears. I saw in that moment that (of course) she would forgive me (probably anything), and that I'd had nothing to fear. Love wasn't about justice or fairness or princely nobility or outdated values. Love actually had nothing to do with reality or honesty …

… or with unreality and lies and power games, for that matter …

Love was beyond it all. It just was.

If love was there, like it was between Utena and I, love was. Love was in eternity. Even if Utena died or I died (and she would, even if I couldn't … although now, maybe that might change; everything else had!) yes, even if we died, even if the love between us died … (as all loves do given time, as everything made-of-time dies …)

Love itself would never die. And to have tasted it, to be tasting it with Utena right now, in this timeless moment in the castle of eternity … made living worthwhile. Even if living was filled with pain (as well as joy), confusion (as well as clarity), and death (as well as life).

Finally, I understood.

My love filled my eyes and overflooded. ChuChu leapt off my shoulder to throw his arms exuberantly around Utena's neck.

She gently, so-gently, removed his arms, held him up to her face, and softly kissed his cheek. Then she safely deposited him in her jacket pocket where he curled up and purred. We smiled at each other. A warm and affectionate and knowing smile, that I don't think I'd worn on my face before.

But it felt natural now.

"Utena," I said, and I opened my arms to her.

And she came rushing home.

* * *

Days later we were curled up on our bed, with ChuChu snoring on the pillow between us. We lay on our sides facing each other, our free hands intertwined, fingers playing.

We were just watching each other, which was something that had been happening a lot since we left the castle. There weren't so many words anymore; somehow we had gone beyond them.

I realised now that true things couldn't really be said with mere words. It was more about the energy behind them, the presence. It was only because I was in-my-body now (as opposed to dissociated out-of-it), and my heart was soft and beating (as opposed to a frozen block of ice), that I could sense this truth. When I was numb, and running-away-inside, I was in survival mode. And that took so much energy and resources that there had been very little left for feeling the subtleties and the nuances of existence's mystery.

Probably that was why Utena had been able to see deep truths through lying games, even in her innocent schoolgirl days at Ohtori. Her heart had been soft and open enough that she was picking up on something deeper that always radiated, while Onii-sama and I, the cunning and cynical 'know-it-alls' of the world, had deadened our receivers (no wonder Akio lusted after the power of eternity. To him it probably felt like being-alive-again).

It turned out the fool had been wiser than the puppet-masters, after all. But still so naive that she got herself betrayed and virtually killed over it. And yet … naivety had opened the gateway to wisdom's mellow blooms, both in Utena and in myself. Or was it forgiveness that had done that?

Who knew what way Life would (ever) turn, or what was truly wise?

Certainly not me. And what's more, I didn't care.

All I cared about now … was … well, I didn't even know. Or care! Strangely, that was okay. Because I was in the game-of-life again, by virtue of dropping the game of masks. Utena was by my side. Love throbbed strongly between us.

No doubt Akio was still plotting and planning, and there were many princesses who hadn't been saved (and who maybe never would be, at least not until they decided to drop their masks and games). No doubt Juri was still jealous of me, and I had finally figured out that I was jealous of Juri too (and that it was okay, and gave us an odd kind of kinship). And Miki was still hung up over his twin, but at least his stopwatch was broken, and that was progress. I'd even enjoyed him playing an oddly upbeat version of 'None But The Lonely Heart' the other day – we'd all applauded so enthusiastically.

"I love you," said Utena, because even though we didn't need words so much, some words were joyful to say.

I smiled brilliantly, and the unused muscles of my face ached. I watched Utena drinking my smile in, and the way light seemed to fill her face until she was radiant. A true prince indeed.

There was a knock on the bedroom door. "Come in," we said together, and tentatively Juri's head popped around the corner.

"Erm," she said politely, face a little flushed, "that completely insane bore Mikage-san is here again. Please get rid of him." And then studiously not looking at us, she backed out.

"What should we do?" Utena asked me. Her voice was so innocent in that moment, and I loved how she just came out and asked me, without side-stepping. How far we had come. How different it was to engage with trust.

"Let's tell him to go away," I said calmly. "His checkmate was that I was hiding from you … about the people I've been and the things I've done." I looked down for a moment. "That I'm ashamed of." Then my eyes darted up again, and I admitted with a quick rush of fear, "yet that I also enjoyed doing."

Utena's eyes were huge. Then slowly she smiled at me, sadly yet tenderly. "I don't know how you possibly could. Torturing people is terrible!"

I nodded complacently. Her affectionate ribbing didn't bother me. It was only what I deserved, and much less than I deserved at the same time. But I also didn't let it go …

"Oh yes?" I asked gently. "Like perhaps flirting with an engaged man and then making nice to his unknowing fiancé?" Utena's face flamed red.

"Alright, alright," she grumbled. "You maybe have a point. But … I feel terrible about that. It was still wrong."

"I know," I said gently. "You have princely values, Utena. And a conscience. But I … mostly … don't."

She regarded me soberly. Then sighed.

"Yeah, I know."

We nodded, almost in unison. Seeing each other in the cold light of day, was odd, was unprecedented, was magic. I'd never been seen before … I'd never allowed it, I'd never even known myself. Lies didn't allow for self-honesty, and so couldn't allow for knowing and being known - for true intimacy.

But love had the power to burn lies away. And while it could hurt at times … even be like being burned alive … love had the power to save lives. To make life worth the living.

It was time to find out what love was/is/will-be. Not the tarnished replica that I'd called love - that had really been lust and longing and a mask for unbearable pain.

Now that I wore my true face (so to speak), it was time to feel the air on my skin.

"Let's go and deal with Mikage-san," I suggested mildly. "Let's start with your princely virtue, and then, if that doesn't work, we'll try it my way." I allowed a malevolent smile to creep over my face, briefly.

Utena stared at me, looking a little nervous but certainly intrigued. Then she grinned. And took my hand.

And together, we stepped into the unknown.

**FIN**

* * *

Also see Chapter 14 for The Epilogue   
and Chapter 15 for Author's Note #2   
and Chapter 16 for Author's AMV Recommendations


	14. Epilogue

Scene 1: The question of Utena's sexual performance … challenges    
_(Warning for explicit sexual references, power dynamics, and kink)_

I pushed Utena down on the bed and kissed her as thoroughly as only someone who has played the role of 'rose bride' throughout human history, can. I had one goal in mind: To make her lose control.

Her eyes closed straight away, and she was lost beneath me, body pliant and willing. I felt a moment of smugness and superiority, and then intense tenderness. I could be an onslaught when I wanted to be! And it was so delightful to have someone trust me with their whole heart … I had never tasted this before. I couldn't have betrayed Utena if I wanted to … and I had never wanted to.

I sensed the swords as they started to come. There was a kind of unspoken-hissing in the atmosphere, almost like the way a storm brews before it breaks. I could hear it because I was used to listening to the silences between words, and moreso, because this time round, I was listening for them.

I kept kissing Utena who was lost-in-me, and oblivious to her looming predicament. I put my hands over her breastbone as I did so, and carefully, craftily gathered power. It pooled at her breastbone, warm and liquid-air and thrumming with potential. I could feel the magnetic resonance of the sword of Dios/Utena in her heart-space, singing a song that only I could hear; a song more beautiful than mere nobility.

Suddenly Utena's eyes snapped open, unseeing, filled with static swords. But I had been waiting, poised on the cusp, power eddying. My witch-power sensed Utena's prince-power open and unguarded as she surrendered beneath me, and mixed with it eagerly. It was intoxicating.

The swords hovered on the edge and I listened/waited for them to fall. There! With the hungry tendrils of our powers combined I PULLED, at the exact same moment as the swords fell. I pulled with all my might and with a most unlady-like grunt. Then:

"Utena!" I roared, my empowered voice like thunder.

Her eyes snapped to me, still unfocused but alert.

And I reached out with my power, like she had reached for my hand when the coffin started to fall. My power (enhanced with hers) pulled and sucked the swords out of her eyes at the same time as it sucked the sword of Dios out of her chest.

She cried out in pain and surprise. I yelled her name again, and PULLED.

And the sword of Dios erupted out of her heart, with far greater force and radiance than ever before. In the resulting explosion I was knocked clear off the bed and across the room. But I held on, and sat up, albeit groggily, sword clutched in hand.

I waved it triumphantly at Utena, who was sitting up groggily herself. She gaped at me. Then looked down at her chest – her top had been unbuttoned in my early ministrations, and her beautiful breasts were on display. I noticed that her nipples were still erect from our kissing. She looked up and noticed my hot gaze. And predictably, blushed.

I smirked. Then rising to my feet with one smooth motion I padded over to her, sword in hand.

"For you," I told her sweetly, pressing its bejewelled handle into her hand. "An anniversary gift."

She stared down at this new sword that neither of us had ever seen. It was like the sword of Dios and unlike it at the same time. It was heavier and shone brighter, and the jewel on its hilt was blood-red with a fly trapped in amber. There was a sort of dark menace about it not present in the original, and a kind of subdued-whispering roiling just beneath the threshold that humans could hear. I don't know if Utena could hear it; I could, and I recognised the voices of the million swords of hatred.

But they were contained, trapped, subdued. So much so that I couldn't make out their hateful words; just that they were mumbling something-or-other, and they weren't pleased about their fate. I smiled maliciously.

"Whoa …" said Utena, bug-eyed with wonder. Then she met my eyes and hers were swimming with tears and raw appreciation. "Is this … the million swords? They're really … gone?"

"Yes," I said again, and I couldn't help my obvious smugness. I felt so proud. I had forgotten what it felt like to be so ripe and heavy with power, like forbidden fruit straight off the vine. Was this what Akio had felt like all those years? Why he had revelled in his (stolen) power?

Why had I given my power up? What insanity! … why, this was … I smiled at Utena then, like a cat smiles at a canary. Very good. It was very good indeed.

"Anthy," she said tentatively, and I could tell she was scared and intrigued all at the same time. She always had been – that's part of what had drawn her to me in the first place. Power made Utena wet, it was that simple. But not power-over-others (like it did me, and Akio, and Touga for that matter) but our power-over-her.

She wanted to be seduced, to be overcome, to be well fucked and forced to surrender. But by someone she loved who loved her, someone she could trust. She was practically begging for it with her big blue eyes and her heady scent of arousal.

And to seduce her, to take her … well that was as natural to me as breathing, now that I knew all I had deliberately forgotten.

"You have to beg," I told her with deceptive mildness. "And don't run away from your so-called dark desires, my prince. It doesn't befit your noble quest for truth."

Her eyes widened in shock. Her pupils dilated, and lips parted. I watched her like a cat with a mouse, waiting for the moment to pounce; her unconditional surrender. I watched her struggle with herself, with the image she liked to portray of childlike innocence which was only mostly true, and with her silly (to me) notions of rights and wrong. With her growing desire, with the fear of the unknown, and with the memory of past pain.

Suddenly she reached out her free hand to me and there was mute appeal in her eyes. Immediately I softened, and went to her. I had started to realise, that I stood no chance against Utena's sincerity. It was the one weapon she wielded that I had no countermove for – because she didn't wield it as a weapon. She just did it, with no agenda, and no fore-planning.

Every time she did, somehow it tamed my inner beast, and we were like children again. Children together.

I took her hand and sat by her side. We both looked at the new sword (nameless, for now), then into each other's eyes.

"I love you," she said, as simply as only she could. "I want you, so much. And I want you like … that too, with all your … power, and uh, mysteriousness-ness."

I smiled gently, because I already knew that. But apparently she needed to put it into words, maybe to help her figure it out. She could be slow like that, but I found it endearing. And who was I to talk … for all her seeming slowness, she usually figured out core truths before I did, and helped my blind eyes see.

"I'm scared," she admitted slowly. "And er…" she blinked and blushed, "very wet". I smirked. She looked at me appealingly and I stopped smirking and brushed my hand along her cheek.

"I love you," I told her, just as simply as she'd told me. "I won't hurt you, not really. Any pain will only be for our pleasure."

She watched me with fear-and-trust in her big blue eyes. I leaned in close to whisper in her delicate ear. "You have no idea yet, my hapless victor, how sweet fruit tastes when it's 'taken'" ...

"so beg me to taste you." Immediately her breathing increased, I saw her pulse flicker in her neck like a hummingbird trapped. Her scent thickened, and I knew she was mine. She was going to leap. She was going to risk it all (again). My sweet brave prince. My sweetly caged prince.

I would make her mine in ways she couldn't even imagine.

I leaned back to study her red face. She met my eyes shyly.

"Please Anthy," she whispered, "I want you to take me."

So I did.

* * *

Scene 2: The question of Akio-Dios 

"Hello Onii-sama", I purred into the phone.

There was a shocked silence on the other end. After all, he hadn't expected me to call off my own bat, and certainly not to sound like the cat who ate the canary. Finally I heard his deep familiar voice, trying to mask confusion, and not succeeding to my primed ears:

"Anthy?"

"Yes." I smiled to myself. This was going to be fun.

"Anthy?" he repeated, this time not bothering to hide his confusion. "Little sister … why are you calling?"

"I thought you wanted me to call you," I said mildly. My unspoken words added: _and a whole lot more._

I know that he heard the unspoken. It was our primary language of communication. I imagined his beautiful eyebrows arching, and his graceful fingers tightening on the phone. I waited; it was his move.

"Where is Utena-kun?" he asked finally, but I saw through his question as a thinly-veiled ploy to seek more information about this strange situation.

"Akio-sama" I said sweetly, going on the offence (for the first time in forever, or maybe even ever), "you're not really interested in that whore. You're interested in this one."

An actual gasp. More silence. I wished I could see him, see his shock and outrage and barely contained confusion. Oh well, I would just have to imagine it – that was still sweet. I liked how winning tasted. I LOVED having him on the back-foot.

"You've changed," he said finally, and it sounded like he had a bad taste in his mouth. The worst taste.

"Have I?" I said glibly. "Well, you certainly haven't – and why is that exactly? Where is Dios?"

He was so taken aback that he answered without thinking.

"He's here too. The unbearable insufferable whiny little nag." His voice was pure poison, pure World's-End unmasked. And suddenly in a flash of insight, I understood what had happened, probably better than he did himself.

"You hate him," I said softly. "Because he's everything you aren't anymore, everything you lost, everything you loved the most. And you can't bear to face up to what you've become in his absence. So you're doing your best to suppress him, and you're succeeding … most of the time."

His answering silence was murderous.

"But not all of the time," I went on, smoothly. "And that's why you played so hard to get me back, this time around the carousel. Because Dios … loves me. The way you never did."

Akio cleared his throat. When he spoke it was stilted, and awkward, and so unlike him.

"But I do, Anthy."

We were silent together, while I took that in. I struggled to make sense of it.

It was impossible. It was only because Dios was changing him, forcing change upon him. It was Dios who loved me; Akio hated me. And yet?

Was that really true?

"I have to go," he said, suddenly, strangledly. The phone clicked. I stared at the receiver. I wasn't surprised he had hung up. After all, Akio couldn't bear weakness, and what he had just admitted was the epitome of weakness, at least from his point of view.

ChuChu was nuzzling into my collarbone, patting me and making soft coos of comfort. I realised silent tears were trickling down my cheeks. You see …

I loved Akio too.

That is why I'd stayed.

* * *

Scene 3: The question of Shiori and Kozue 

"You know," I said over a partially burned croissant as we all ate breakfast together, "dear Onii-sama told me he can't open his Geisha House after all."

Juri and Miki both stopped eating to gape at me. Utena watched wide eyed. She was getting used to my 'Anthy-unleashed' as she sometimes called it, and wasn't above enjoying it. But I noted that it also made her squirm quite a lot, and well … I wasn't above enjoying that.

"What do you mean?" Juri finally asked, fighting for the dignity she so prized. I admired that quality in her – I myself was a fan of dignity-as-a-shield.

I shrugged primly, and sipped at my tea. ChuChu did a little dance in the centre of the table which we all watched, me working on hiding my gloating, Utena and Miki with amusement, and Juri with wariness.

"My brother doesn't actually want those inferior rose brides," I said at last, once I'd paused enough for full dramatic effect. I sipped my tea again, relishing Juri's sharply drawn in-breath and Miki's fidgeting. Utena frowned at me; she didn't like it when I was unkind to her friends. Just for now, I pretended not to notice. This was too fun! And besides, sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind. That was a subtlety that Utena didn't yet understand.

"He wants me," I said simply. "Takatsuki-san and Kaoru-san were just bait for the two of you."

Juri and Miki stared at me, eyes painfully wide. Utena's eyes darted nervously between us all. I continued calmly.

"Arisugawa-senpai, you are lovesick for someone who hates you out of jealousy. Takatsuki Shiori will never love you back … but she gets off on stringing you along. She feels inferior to your superiority, and unwanted to your desirability - so she taunts you sexually, just so she can feel powerful. And you let her, because you are addicted to pain, and filled with nostalgia for what might have been."

The blood drained out of Juri's face.

"And as for you Miki-san," I continued, not letting up. "Kaoru-san also feels inferior to you, and jealous, and possessive. Your twin doesn't want any other woman to have you, because she wants you all for herself. So she uses her sexuality to keep you paying attention to her, and you lie to yourself about the boundaries crossed between a brother and sister. Because you would do anything to feel as close to her as you did in childhood, before your musical talent left hers behind."

Miki went white.

The silence was long and as charged as any duel. Utena's eyes were wide and filled with tears, but she wasn't saying anything, and made no move to intervene. I met her eyes and she nodded briefly – I saw then that she understood what I'd just done, and why it wasn't wrong to do. It was necessary.

It was (probably) Juri's and Miki's only way out of these impossible dilemmas, these growing pains … if they would but (finally) take it.

Yes, in its own cruel way, this was a rescuing hand reaching into a coffin. Memories whirled through my head; I looked at Utena gazing at me, and saw that she was remembering too:

_Utena screaming at me: "Take my hand! Come on, Himemiya!"  
I tried to warn her: "You don't understand! If you don't run quickly …"  
She didn't seem to hear me, or care: "Himemiya! Hurry, take my hand!  
I tried again: "I beg you …"  
But it was too late; the swords fell. Utena was gone from my sight. My coffin fell into the abyss with me inside, screaming. Yet …_

_… the coffin's door was open.  
_

Truth could cut like a sword, more than an actual weapon. But sometimes dark truths were so twisted and taboo that nobody dared speak them. Mortals were so invested in how people perceived them, and in getting things out of each other … it made them careful with what they were willing to say or hear or face up to.

But I had nothing to lose. I'd already lost everything someone can lose, and gained it all back too. I could speak the darkest truths. I embodied them.

ChuChu hopped onto Juri's shoulder, then climbed up her orange ringlets to perch on her ear, and solemnly pat the side of her face. It was attempted comfort, and it seemed to snap her out of her pained introspection. Slowly she sighed, a long drawn-out rasp. It sounded like a sword coming out of a wound.

Miki started crying, and from his perch on Juri's ear ChuChu started crying too. I felt my own eyes moisten; I found it sweet. ChuChu had always been the sweetest part of me; the receptacle of my innocence and feelings and everything I'd suppressed. There was so much suppressed that one day it burst into life, and made a magical creature, a weird pet, a friend forever. My ChuChu.

His strange eyes met mine and he chuuu-ed softly. I reached out a hand and he ran to cuddle under my chin. Utena smiled at us, all tender and happy. I knew then that she somehow knew something of my innate connection with ChuChu. I'd never told her, but Utena was especially observant when it came to me. Love helped her see beyond the veils.

And for my part, love helped veils drop away.

Utena went to sit beside Juri and put an arm around her shoulder. Without thinking, I followed suit with Miki. We all sat in silence, and it was painful, and thick with swirling emotions releasing, but it was also good.

Sometimes a wound needed to be lanced, and then the pus could drain out. You couldn't avoid the pain in life, not if you wanted to heal, and be whole again.

Juri had softened and was leaning against Utena, and Miki had melted into my arm. Finally Juri straightened. She turned to look at me, and her eyes met mine steadily, without ice. I saw that she had already begun to thaw inside.

"Thank you," she said, with Arisugawa dignity. I nodded back in kind. After a pause she added, "now _that_ was a miracle."

"I'm so embarrassed," said Miki, cheeks pink, eyes wet. "I've been such an idiot."

"We're all idiots," said Utena, cheerfully. "Until we're not. Especially me."

We all smiled at her. I saw Miki straighten up, and that Utena had helped him regain his inner footing. In that moment I appreciated her kindness for what it was – something that helped people shine, and be their best, a tool worthy of a prince. It really did help save people … when they were willing to be saved.

After all, her kindness had reached me, when nothing else could. I remembered the dance and the makeshift tablecloth-dress, and the strange girl telling me (her new rose-bride/house-cleaner) that she wanted to be my friend. I smiled at Utena, my meddlesome hero with a heart of gold.

She smiled back.

"I'll make us all tea," I decided aloud. "And cookies." There were pleased murmurs, and ChuChu leapt up to help me. In the kitchen he made an enquiring chirrup.

"Because they're our friends," I told him. "That's why."

And I realised then that I had some friends, and that truth had helped me make them.

**FIN**

_(but can it ever truly be the end? When every ending ... is a new beginning.)  
_

* * *

See Author's Note #2 in the next chapter, if that's of interest.   
And/or my AMV recommendations in the last chapter (that capture/illuminate this series).


	15. Final (finally!) Author's Note #2

**Thorns Wither (and 'Roses Grow' series):** Author's Note #2   
_by sharnii_

" _Love is the bridge between you and everything."  
~Rumi~_

* * *

Well, I never thought this would happen! I've completed 'Thorns Wither' (and the 'Roses Grow' series) and nobody is more shocked than me. 😉 But that's Life I've discovered, a series of twists and turns and unknowns. Yet it all works out in the end (or it isn't the end).

How did it happen? I don't know! I was on fanfiction.net just the other day, inspired to re-read some of my old fanfictions (which has happened every now and then over the years). I also read some of the newer reviews and re-read old ones (which I love catching up on – thank you, readers! They mean a lot to me, even the negative ones).

And then suddenly I had re-read all of Thorns Wither (what a wild ride). And then suddenly I found myself wanting to write the ending, and knowing how to do it (without knowing). I didn't know what it would be, yet it just flowed.

I think that might have been the difference – holding onto previous ideas of 'how things should be' actually gave me writer's block in a way. I blocked myself with the desire for perfectionism, and to please all the different readers (impossible), and to please the different voices in my head (impossible; those voices are never happy, and completely contradictory besides). And it had felt fine for it not to be finished … I've realised so many things that I've started will never be finished, and that's a part of almost every human life.

And then out of the blue, roses rained down, the world whirled around me, and … voila! Two more chapters, and an epilogue with three scenes. Yeah baby. 😊 *heart emoticon*

Also I suspect completing 'Thorns Wither' was not possible without certain life experiences. This ending is not one I could have written without everything that's happened to-date. Especially the last 2-3 years of happenings and learnings have somehow flowered into this (unexpected) ending.

I first published 'Roses Grow' around August 2008, and its sequel 'Thorns Wither' around October 2009. The series has finally completed now, in February 2021 (two stories instead of the originally proposed three. I was going to write the third story in Akio's voice, but I didn't feel that inspired-enough by the (crazy?) notion. However the writing challenge would have been right up there as well as the shock level … I guess a part of me enjoys shocking the fans … how Anthy-like).

I was 27 when we started and I've just turned 40. Many of you readers have stayed with these stories for years (or returned to them), and it's given me great pleasure to re-visit every now and then and re-read your reviews, and feel camaraderie and fellow-fanship with you. And to discover new readers discovering Utena and my fanfictions. I've also enjoyed re-reading my own stories, heh heh! They're so involved and they represent such a long period of time, that I often forget the nuances of them, and that makes re-reading them a special (and sometimes surprising) pleasure.

I imagine they've also been so fulfilling to re-read (is it kosher to admit that as an author? Yet it's true for me) because they represent the contents of my own evolving psyche. So I got to see my own dreams and nightmares come true through the wonderful/horrible world of Ohtori.

Re-reading reviews was very helpful too, on my growth journey over the years. I got a lot of pleasure out of the positive reviews. I sometimes got ideas for the story/s evolution, or found out what needed to be more clear. At first it was pretty hard for me to read reviews I perceived as critical or negative – my ego got offended. But now I can read those same reviews and see the truth in them, and they are often helpful to my writing. I can also see how every review is a mirror of/for me and the work/s, but also how these stories (and me) are a mirror of/for each of YOU. The way you respond, the kind of things that make you feel strongly, that you desire more of, or resist … all of it is a mirror of your psyche / up against mine / up against Ohtori. And we are endlessly reflecting ourselves back to ourselves, and learning a lot, and feeling a lot, in the process. Thank you, dear friends whom I've never met! You've helped me revolutionise my world. 😊 *heart emoticon* I hope the same for you.

Some of you asked me about my interpretations of various aspects of Utena, especially its rich symbolism. Here's a few thoughts:  
*I've always loved symbolism and easily seen the world in terms of symbols and metaphors and abstraction and poetry. Hence I love Utena, which is SO rich with symbolism that you could write a thesis on it - totally made-up mind you - and then write a thesis on that thesis. 😉  
*There's a wondrous forum called 'In The Rose Garden' (part of the 'Empty Movement' website, which is truly a labour of love, and has given me so much fan-pleasure) which I was a solid member of for a few years. I have much warmth and appreciation for my fellow (big) fans there, and I've enjoyed reading a lot of their theories and thoughts on Utena, including its symbolism. I reckon that would have influenced and inspired me heaps. Thank you. *heart emoticon* I'd also like to say a special thanks to the collection of Utena scripts in English hosted there, originally from The Utena Translation Project. I found them invaluable (and beautiful).  
*I've also loved reading a lot of Utena fanfiction over the years (and watched AMVs and looked at art and read analytical essays). I've been influenced by many works including the famous epic fics 'Archimage' and 'Jaquemart' (both of which I love), and I can now see how my stories have built off many other stories somehow (and no doubt some fanworks have built off my fanfic/AMVs, and I welcome that, and am so into it. Please go for it anytime you feel inspired, and play in the 'Roses Grow' universe all you want to or with my other storylines). So I feel like I haven't really written these separately from other plots and devices and symbol-interpretation and beauty that's out there, and that I couldn't if I tried (and no creative can).  
*I'd say I've also been influenced in a big way by my other favourite media stalwarts. So that would include fandoms like Xena and Buffy and probably various StarGate/StarTrek themes, and so much more (much of it in the fantasy and sci-fi genres). So if you feel like you recognised tropes … you probably did.

You know, looking back, I also see these stories in new lights, as they've been influenced and in-turn have influenced my own personal unfoldings (which I feel inspired to share about some here, and I'd love to hear yours too if you feel to write to me whether by PM or review. Just know that it might take me awhile to read them, as I've tended to only visit fanfiction-dot-net every now and then).

I realised I was a lesbian when I was about 14 (through Xena and Gabielle's soulmate-friendship on hit 90s tv show, Xena: Warrior Princess!). Most of my significant intimate romantic/sexual relationships have been with women. In the beginning I was hugely conflicted over this because my religious fundamentalist background taught me that homosexuality was a grave sin with a penalty of eternal hell if you practice it, and coming out officially (at about 27/28) meant risking the loss of my family and friends and community (yet I made new friends, discovered new communities, and eventually my family got used to my gayness and accepted it).

In my mid 30s I realised I was genderfluid, as in outside of the gender binary of male/female that most people experience themselves as, and which my society (Australia, QLD and VIC) is firmly invested in. I experience myself as both male and female though I have a female body … and I discovered that there are many people who feel like this or some other variation of gender difference. It had been so confusing for me, and scary, and taboo-to-even-wonder-about, and I was so worried about losing acceptance and/or sexual desirability and/or being punished by my society. I didn't even know such a thing could exist … (what else exists?!).

I started to understand more just why Utena's character fascinates me (as so many other 'girls who want to be boys in some way' have, in media, over the years). Like with gayness, it was a risk to come out about gender-queerness, but I was so sick of being in the closet earlier-in-life, that the risk felt worth it to me. Again the 'Duel of Coming Out' was hard, but it also was such a growth-full and gift-full experience; I wouldn't want it any other way. My friends and communities are all good with my gender now, although many of them don't understand it, and some of my family members resist it though they still love me. This might sound strange, but I've realised (after a struggle of course) that people can love me even when they don't understand or agree with me, and for myself, I'd rather stay in connection with them, and let them be them (while also being myself).

So it actually doesn't bother me anymore when people don't believe in non-binary people (although it certainly did heaps in the beginning) or when they're weirded out by queer people (gay and bi and pan and trans and asexual and all the diversity that the human family can be). I understand that (perhaps) most of us are merely following our societal and familial (and religious) conditioning, and few people actually question that conditioning (unless and until they're forced to by their own life experiences).

When someone seriously challenges your conditioning, it's a lot like entering into a duel! It can feel like your very identity (your belief construct, your ideas and feelings about how the world is or ought-to-be) is being threatened. It can feel like to lose the duel would be to die, to lose hope, to lose the chance of attaining eternity. That's why people can get so offended or crushed when they're cherished identities are challenged. That's why I did. I didn't want my 'known' and 'current' world to end. I didn't want my cherished illusions crushed. The known was easier, even if it was painful. It was … comfortable, familiar (black roses are more beautiful, perhaps?).

But that's why Revolutionary Girl Utena has been so important to/for me, and I see, for so many others. Utena for me, is about what it feels like when your world is (inevitably) ending, like you could die (and I've been on the brink of suicide twice, and remember what that was like). It's when your worldview is shattering and you can't hold it together anymore, and the challenge comes to be reborn, to step into the unknown, to open the gateway to a coffin, and to let go … even if you fall. Or to step over the threshold of Ohtori Academy, out into the real world - to leave the magic of illusions, game-playing, and power-ploys for the (fresh and innocent) beauty of the ordinary world and everyday life.

The ending of my world (which has happened so many times now) has never been JUST the ending. It's also always the new beginning. And the world has continued to open up, to grow, to become more spacious, more light, more innocent, more beautiful (even inside its horror), and more loving. I see now (perhaps with my own childlike innocence regained) that if we just lean into the pain rather than running away from it, if we embrace what actually is happening even if everything in us wants to deny it …

… then the spirit of 'Dios' appears (somehow, in some form – what a mystery!) and enters us, and empowers us. Dios gives us what we need to win that duel, to see past betrayal, to face any and all pain, to open that coffin lid, to grow the heart to feel again, and to find that seemingly-impossible way.

All that it takes is to be open to being saved (and this perhaps has been the hardest lesson for me. To be truly open to Life, just as it is. To stop pretending … to open my eyes … to look reality in the face). To grow up. To show up for this precious moment – which is the same thing as growing up.

And then eternity is ours.

* * *

I've now enjoyed and suffered through quite a few intimate romantic/sexual relationships (first I was monogamous and then polyamorous, so I've even experienced multiple committed loving relationships at the same time; becoming polyamorous was yet another duel!). I've also experienced being single and celibate for long stretches of time. Relationships-wise I've mostly been with women, and I've mostly been with women who remind me quite a bit of Anthy (oh my god …). I've often taken the 'Utena role' with them, and usually that's turned out badly in the end (for us both). Occasionally I've dated someone who was a fellow Utena-type and that's been a revealing (and shocking) mirror for me, helping me understand the hidden darkness and shadowy aspects to a 'heroic' personality. Here's a poem I wrote when I was facing up to the dark-side of being the 'rescuer/prince':

 **MY EGO'S CAPE**  
"I'm turning in my ego  
and my cape

I realise it's a thinly veiled  
escape

The hero role  
the righteous prince  
the one who saves  
repeat, no rinse

And underneath  
the victim  
in the dark

the basement-level  
martyr  
torn apart

And underneath  
the persecutor  
brewing

with grinding teeth  
saliva  
ever-chewing

It chews on pain  
over, again  
repeat, no rinse  
masked by the prince

~

I lie that I'm  
the one to blame  
fair victim  
in this endless game

I lie that I'm  
the blameless one  
poor victim  
and so put upon

I lie that I'm  
the righteous prince  
who saves the day  
repeat, no rinse

~

Repeat, no rinse  
and rinse repeat  
When you get up  
I kick your feet

I knock you down  
into your place  
the victim role  
your role to play

cos I'm the prince!  
I need your pain  
I need a princess  
for my game

And you need me  
because you're weak  
and like to be  
it tastes so sweet ...

until your outrage  
rises up  
you knock me down  
you're so fed up

and round we go  
and rinse repeat  
this tired game  
this endless beat

Staccato!  
Crazy-ass!  
Pause!  
What-the-fuck!

SCENE CHANGE!

I'm turning in my cape  
cos I can't fly  
My ego's role  
was just an alibi

and underneath  
I'm just like you  
I hurt and hate  
so vulnerable

and underneath  
the human game  
I am the faceless  
Buddha-face

~

I'm me: One human  
out of trillions  
one part of life  
in SUCH bajillions

one chip  
in a game  
one role  
on a stage

Nothing's been lost  
Nothing went wrong  
Ultimately  
it was part of the song

I sing!  
My soul sings!  
My soul is sung!  
Coming undone!

My stitching's unstitched  
My prince gets hitched  
with my princess  
AND my dragon

Now THAT'S polyamory  
a three-way marriage  
inside one human carriage

~

An alliance  
of no drama  
and no more games

Every mask removed  
the sunlight on my bare skin  
dewdrops on my naked ass

Everything assed-about  
Crazy authenticity  
Crazy intimacy

Just me-ness  
and living  
just this moment

Surrendered to  
the song  
that sings, and sings

I'm turning in my ego  
and my cape

I gain it all by giving up  
the fake"

* * *

I now understand the futility of romantic dreams, and how fairytales block unconditional love (for self, for others, for Life itself). When I'm trying to live up to some scripted fairtyale, I can't see the other person for who they truly are, let alone accept them. I can't accept myself when I don't live up to the fairtyale version (and that's a lot; I'm actually a mere human).

I simply can't be the hero all the time … and I only wanted to be because it felt so vulnerable and too scary to be the princess (to me), and I felt ashamed of my own needs and weakness (because of my family culture growing up where my Mum (mentally ill, and a product of abuse) was the only one who was allowed to have needs and feelings). It felt much safer and stronger and more rewarding to be the prince. Besides I believed (mistakenly) that if I saved and supported others (enough), than that would earn me their love, and guarantee me a fairytale ending. So it was a kind of trade (which really takes the romance out of the equation, when faced squarely in the light of day!).

I can now admit that I want to be the princess too … and the witch. I want to be weak and to cry and to express my feelings and vulnerability, and to be desired, and seductive and wanton, and evil, and rescued from my own victim-impulses.

I want it all! Ha ha! (*insert maniacal Akio laughter*)

Turns out I can't have it all, or even if/when I get it, keep it all. The answer isn't in romantic fantasies, and no prince or princess can save me or anyone at all (even themselves). And I can't save anyone, and I don't even want to try any more (which is a huge revolution, and an ending of my world).

I'm not saying that as an answer for you, by the way, just as a sharing of where I've come to. We're all on our own journey through Life, even though there's so much overlap. So please dismiss anything I'm saying that doesn't resonate with you. Or if it does, if it calls to you (or perhaps triggers you), I invite you to stay with it, and let it infuse into you, and see where it takes you (and I don't know where that will be).

I don't know anything at all.

And isn't that … sweet? The mystery. They mysterious not-knowing, but feeling cared-for by nobody-in-particular, by Life itself.

Isn't Life sweet? And magic too. 😊

Or … wouldn't we all like it to be? And that's perhaps why we're drawn to the castle of eternity, searching for what we hope it can give us. It must be calling us toward something real, even if we get that 'something' wrong, again and again.

_"Oh noble spirit of the unknown …  
… empower me, and any readers who want this too …  
and show us eternity,  
no matter what it takes -  
because truth is all that matters,  
and love is in the truth."_

With much love for you all,  
(and seriously grateful fanning-ness for Revolutionary Girl Utena),  
 _~sharnii~_

* * *

PS. If you're into AMVs (anime music videos), I have a list of recommendations from my body of work that help capture/illuminate this series _._ They're listed in the next chapter.


	16. Author's AMV recommendations for 'Thorns Wither'

**Author's AMV recommendations:** Thorns Wither

Hi readers of the 'Roses Grow' series, thanks for sticking with me/us all this way! What a ride it's been. 😊 For those of you who are fans of anime music videos (like me) or perhaps just curious, I have some recommendations for you of AMVs I've made that match the moods and themes of this fanfic.

I used to love making AMVs in which I edited the 'Revolutionary Girl Utena' anime and/or movie version clips (ie 'Adolescence of Utena') to evocative music. The many moods and genres and themes that emerged soothed or stirred my heart (much like writing fanfic).

I got a lot better over time, and always enjoyed making whatever project was itching at me. Warning that the early videos are often laggy, and have subtitles. The newer videos flow, and I got access to great quality clips without subs (yay!).

I recommend my new videos and will mark them with {new} next to the title. I don't recommend my old videos {old} so much, unless you're a big fan of the pairing/music etc.

Here's a list below if you're inspired to sip some poisoned? tea in-between or after reading the poisoned? cookies of my fanfiction. 😉 If you want directly clickable links go to my author's profile on fanfiction-dot-net (for the full list of AMVs, and consult the curated list below).

I've sorted the list by:  
 _WHO IT'S ABOUT  
Fanfic: how it fits into the fanfiction_  
 _"Video name - usually also the song name" (theme) {new project recommended /old project not-so-recommended}_  
 _[Artist, mood, song genre, anime and/or movie footage]_  
 _url_

Enjoy!

PS. Warning, my fanfic descriptions below have a few (minor) spoilers for 'Roses Grow' and 'Thorns Wither'.

* * *

 **UTENA/ANTHY**  
"[Coin Laundry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sKXWUzS834)" (fairytale soulmates) {new}  
Fanfic: The tender and romantic mood of Utena/Anthy in both 'Roses Grow' and 'Thorns Wither'.  
[Lisa Mitchell, romantic and friends-forever, folk, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2sKXWUzS834

 **AKIO/ANTHY**  
"[Losing our Religion](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTFMgNUJ2So)" (Mythic-scale) {old, still recommended}  
Fanfic: The ancient longing and twisted games that tie these two together. Here the tragic religion of 'The Prince' is explored and why Dios/Akio-Anthy-Utena/Dios did what they did in the past/present/future. These themes support the heavy subtext of both stories, but especially 'Thorns Wither'.  
[Masters of Chant, sad and ethereal, gregorian chant pop, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTFMgNUJ2So

 **AKIO/ANTHY/UTENA**  
"[Fallen Angels](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZLafaLXHHk)" (So beautiful you don't care they're devils) {old, still recommended}  
Fanfic: What inspired Utena to give Akio back Dios, in the 'Duel Called Couronnement' at the end of 'Roses Grow'? This AMV explores the intertwinement of Akio/Anthy/Utena, how they all bleed into each other, how Utena was in love with both of them (and ashamed and confused about that), and how Utena has always been in love with the Prince (and the Princess who needs saving).  
It also captures the bitterweet flavour of betrayal between Anthy and Utena, that 'Thorn Wither' explores when Anthy turns back into Mamiya, in plain sight.  
[Within Temptation, epic and angsty, alt metal, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZLafaLXHHk

 **MIKAGE/MAMIYA**  
"[Daniel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLF15z9JKfk)" (Obsession with a projection) {old, still recommended}  
Fanfic: Mikage's obsessive love for Mamiya, explored and extrapolated further in 'Thorns Wither'.  
[Bats for Lashes, tragic dreamlike, alternative/indie, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aLF15z9JKfk

 **ANTHY CHARACTER EXPLORATION**  
"[I was a Fool](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFhP_DccVVM) (for love)" (stockholm syndrome) {new}  
Fanfic: Why does Anthy forget herself on the hotel rooftop / dueling arena near the end of 'Roses Grow'? And why does she keep calling Akio in 'Thorns Wither'? Watch this video to get a feel for what draws her back, across time and good reason.  
[Tegan and Sara, angsty, adult conteporary, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFhP_DccVVM

"[Cosmic Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as9hq8JDUs0)" (Anthy's complicated motivations and love for Dios/Akio) {new}  
Fanfic: Who is Dios, and by extension Akio (and by extension The Prince, and by extension Utena) to Himemiya Anthy? This video gives a feel for those relationship dynamics from both stories.  
[Florence the Machine, epic angst, indie rock, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as9hq8JDUs0

"[Lady of the Flowers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jg53qRhbwU)" (abuse) {old, still recommended}  
Fanfic: Insight into Anthy's strange and scary relapse during 'Thorns Wither'. And exploration of her many 'scars'.  
[Placebo, dark, brit pop, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jg53qRhbwU

 **MIKAGE/NEMURO CHARACTER EXPLORATION (featuring Tokiko and Mamiya)**  
"[Rolling in the Deep](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayICX1986LA)" (His search for eternity) {new}  
Fanfic: A reminder of who Souji Mikage is/was, and why he is so driven to solve the equation of eternity (and thus arrives to grill the rose bride about Mamiya during 'Thorns Wither').  
[Adele, angst, soul pop, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayICX1986LA

 **UTENA CHARACTER EXPLORATION**  
"[I Believe in Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT8AOMnYPvk)" (Persistence out of love, achieves the impossible) {old}  
Fanfic: For an emotional refresher of how Utena just keeps going and (blindly, stupidly) going, driven by her heart and what she (alone) sees in Anthy … (especially seen in 'Roses Grow', also present in 'Thorns Wither').  
[K's Choice, angsty and inspiring, rock, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nT8AOMnYPvk

"[My Guiding Light](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb7h9zynu6k)" (How she revolutionizes everyone's worlds) {old}  
Fanfic: Juri and Miki are knights in Utena's court in 'Thorns Wither'; here's a reminder why they're inspired (and how Utena gave everyone the opportunity to revolutionise their world). Also helps explain the tender moments with various duelists during 'Roses Grow' (like Utena with Juri and Saionji in the gym, where they call each other by first names).  
[Evermore, inspirational, alternative indie, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb7h9zynu6k

 **NANAMI CHARACTER EXPLORATION (featuring Touga)**  
"[Everything You Want](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN3jtOR6YdQ)" (Forbidden love) {old}  
Fanfic: Helps explain Nanami's loyalty-to and defence of Touga near the end of 'Roses Grow', even after he was revealed to be in league with Akio.  
[Vertical Horizon, angsty, rock, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN3jtOR6YdQ

 **CAST OF UTENA**  
"[Our Love is Forever](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5tBZVXGQcQ)" (Duels! Forbidden love! Mindfucks!) {new}  
Fanfic: Captures the epic feeling that both fanfictions sought to recreate: dreams, symbolism, action, wtf-moments-galore, shock endings, and over-the-top melodrama!  
[Neutron Star Collision by Muse, epic campy melodrama, progressive rock, anime]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5tBZVXGQcQ

"[Ah Ah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7AuLPlWUPg)" (WTF symbolism!) {new}  
Fanfic: Captures the wtf and liberally sprinkled symbolism that both fanfictions sought to recreate. Plus the Utena movie is drawn from in 'Roses Grow' when Utena and Anthy portal-between-dimensions to the (beautiful) rose-garden-in-the-sky of the MovieVerse.  
[Bertine Zetlitz, mysterious and fun, ambient pop, movie]  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7AuLPlWUPg

* * *

For a full list of the Utena AMVs I've made (not related particularly to this fanfiction) see my author's profile on [FanFiction.net](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/385676/). Or portal directly to my youtube channels:

 ***New youtube channel '[sharnii2](https://www.youtube.com/user/sharnii2/videos)'**  
https://www.youtube.com/user/sharnii2/videos  
 ***Old youtube channel '[sharnii](https://www.youtube.com/user/sharnii/videos)'** (I lost access when google took over youtube)  
https://www.youtube.com/user/sharnii/videos


End file.
